~Thoughts~

As I looked down at his picture held in my shaking hands the sun broke through the cracks of the blinds and streamed into the bedroom. I was laying on my side,holding my head up with my hand, the other hand swirling my finger near where his hair was. The sun's long fingers were bright to say the least and settled on his blue/gray eyes. They were warm upon his kind,round face yet sad...His smirk curved at the corners of soft lips like he was holding back the thoughts of a joke no one else knew. Still even with that smirk his eyes were untouched. I wished I could kiss his eyes, move my lips along his eyelashes. I knew looking through the glass that I might never get to feel what his skin was like to touch or see his eyes looking back at me without a camera to catch his image.I wondered with a sigh what those full,soft-looking lips must feel like on mine and all over my body. I would never know these things but I knew something more important, something that even he didn't. I loved him. I loved everything about him. The way his voice,so heavy with the Irish brogue, felt in my ears through the phone. The way he said my name.It was a gift when he said it, his voice swirling with it and it was  like no one had ever said it before and no one could ever say it again. No, not like he did. I knew,... no, I felt, the love in my heart like it was a glass being filled and spilling over, yet never stopping at the rim,the love cascading over the sides,splashing everywhere...I knew that he didn't love me and yet I could be okay with that, almost relieved,because I knew that by loving me he would become no longer beautiful and perfect to me. No person that loved me did so without settling. I was ugly,broken, and mental. No, not the kind of hospitalized mental but I had a mind that didn't know how to stay straight. It was constantly veering, always doubting itself and never stopping even when I slept. To love me was to deny oneself happiness because I felt I was a hole that sucks everything good,everything that is real and honest, from the soul.

Yes, I loved him and I loved more that he would never love me.

~Stacy J. Roosa

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