~Hope Vs. Doubt in The Fight For My Heart~
My head is spinning and my stomach hurts. I have reached out to a friend, well,at least someone who used to be my friend, to see if they will talk to me again. I have no doubt in my mind that they won't and yet hope is still there. Like an annoying, little sunspot that I cannot blink away no matter what, hope is always there. I try to tell her to go away, to stop making my heart swell and my mind race but she has a mind of her own.And she has a plan. That plan is to make me believe in things like true love and honesty...Happiness and dreaming.Damn you Hope!
And it distracts me from the truth. The truth that I might have never had a true place in my friend's heart or life as they had in mine. Hope tells me white lies, expressing her wishes for me with a sweet,sugary voice.She makes me almost believe that if I just explain my mind, if I just simply say the right words,my friend will finally see that I meant no harm and believe that I am not trying to bother them or even hurt them. Still, what Hope doesn't seem to understand no matter what I do is that my friend may not have EVER been who I thought they were and,in the case that they might, I might not have deserved such a person or offer of friendship.
With Doubt as my buddy sure, I am always sad and depressed. Yet, being down at my lowest point, there is a certain comfort, a hope in its own,dark as it is, that no one will ever expect anything of me so therefore I can never let anyone down again. Still, its the same old story because when I did have my friend was here Hope was shy and giving into Doubt all the time. Doubt had such a power over both of us so that Hope would hide herself deep inside my heart and not even try to talk over Doubt for fear of being wrong...Fear of my friend finding me Ugly,uninteresting and boring. No, of course Hope was not where I needed her to be. When I was trying to be a good friend back my other friend Doubt was the only thing around. Doubt is bigger and definitely more demanding and easier to believe. Doubt doesn't expect any work on my part~He does all the work,crawling into my mind and heart, snuggling in for the cold and long winter that is my life. Doubt spoke for me, made darkness warm and the loneliness easier to take. No, doubt is NOT my friend but he certainly has a way of making me feel more at ease,if not more comfortable too. He doesn't make me put my heart out there for someone like my friend to slaughter.
I thought I had smothered Hope the day my friend went silent and didn't come to find me anymore.It wasn't hard to get Hope to go, all I had to do was let Doubt in and Hope knew she was no longer needed. The long silence, the way I seem to have no breath in my friend's world...It was so easy to settle in for the long,slow and uneventful ride that Doubt offered.
Time went by, Need won over for a bit and then here comes Hope all smiling and bouncing, poking me on the shoulder incessantly, Her sweet voice singing in my ears, singing that I should give it another shot with my friend. Convincing me that I should try to make my friend see that I stepped away because Doubt kidnapped me but rest assured that Hope is with me now.
Ahem....Hope has a way of making me fib where as doubt makes me so honest I am almost a martyr. Sure, why not? Doubt doesn't wear a facade or try to make anyone feel better. Doubt just is and doesn't try to impress me. Hope is a mean thing, although she doesn't try to be,she lies to me,puts visions of possible happiness into my dark head, lets the Sun stream in and fill the emptiness.Hope has something doubt doesn't, Hope has Happiness,Future and Love as friends whereas Doubt only attracts hate and death...And Hope doesn't take space up like Doubt so there is always room for what might be....
Doubt is easy, carefree yet heavy. Hope is light yet hard and sweet but oh, so hard to leave...I am standing with Hope right now,truly hoping with all that is in me that my friend will listen to the heart inside and see me there...
~Stacy J. Roosa
And it distracts me from the truth. The truth that I might have never had a true place in my friend's heart or life as they had in mine. Hope tells me white lies, expressing her wishes for me with a sweet,sugary voice.She makes me almost believe that if I just explain my mind, if I just simply say the right words,my friend will finally see that I meant no harm and believe that I am not trying to bother them or even hurt them. Still, what Hope doesn't seem to understand no matter what I do is that my friend may not have EVER been who I thought they were and,in the case that they might, I might not have deserved such a person or offer of friendship.
With Doubt as my buddy sure, I am always sad and depressed. Yet, being down at my lowest point, there is a certain comfort, a hope in its own,dark as it is, that no one will ever expect anything of me so therefore I can never let anyone down again. Still, its the same old story because when I did have my friend was here Hope was shy and giving into Doubt all the time. Doubt had such a power over both of us so that Hope would hide herself deep inside my heart and not even try to talk over Doubt for fear of being wrong...Fear of my friend finding me Ugly,uninteresting and boring. No, of course Hope was not where I needed her to be. When I was trying to be a good friend back my other friend Doubt was the only thing around. Doubt is bigger and definitely more demanding and easier to believe. Doubt doesn't expect any work on my part~He does all the work,crawling into my mind and heart, snuggling in for the cold and long winter that is my life. Doubt spoke for me, made darkness warm and the loneliness easier to take. No, doubt is NOT my friend but he certainly has a way of making me feel more at ease,if not more comfortable too. He doesn't make me put my heart out there for someone like my friend to slaughter.
I thought I had smothered Hope the day my friend went silent and didn't come to find me anymore.It wasn't hard to get Hope to go, all I had to do was let Doubt in and Hope knew she was no longer needed. The long silence, the way I seem to have no breath in my friend's world...It was so easy to settle in for the long,slow and uneventful ride that Doubt offered.
Time went by, Need won over for a bit and then here comes Hope all smiling and bouncing, poking me on the shoulder incessantly, Her sweet voice singing in my ears, singing that I should give it another shot with my friend. Convincing me that I should try to make my friend see that I stepped away because Doubt kidnapped me but rest assured that Hope is with me now.
Ahem....Hope has a way of making me fib where as doubt makes me so honest I am almost a martyr. Sure, why not? Doubt doesn't wear a facade or try to make anyone feel better. Doubt just is and doesn't try to impress me. Hope is a mean thing, although she doesn't try to be,she lies to me,puts visions of possible happiness into my dark head, lets the Sun stream in and fill the emptiness.Hope has something doubt doesn't, Hope has Happiness,Future and Love as friends whereas Doubt only attracts hate and death...And Hope doesn't take space up like Doubt so there is always room for what might be....
Doubt is easy, carefree yet heavy. Hope is light yet hard and sweet but oh, so hard to leave...I am standing with Hope right now,truly hoping with all that is in me that my friend will listen to the heart inside and see me there...
~Stacy J. Roosa
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