~Friends~

Yesterday I met someone who is a lot like me. She has suffered much of the same abuse and self-doubt through her life. Reading her words was like reading my own. I wanted to ease her pain, to tell her that things would get better and that she was going to surely find a way through this dark,deep depression...And I realized as I wrote those words to her, as I said what I could to try to comfort my new friend, that I was also trying to comfort myself. And like she said as I myself have said so many times before, no one else can make another human feel better or make the future look like something worthy of the time and people and the parts of oneself they have lost~No one else in this entire world can take the pain,the loss and the sadness away, It is all in our own hands to find away to fight through the constant destruction and mess that is our hurt to find the light of hope.

And there it is...The truth. I have been reaching out for someone, anyone, to hold onto. I've been looking into strangers eyes for some kind of resemblance to what I see when I look in the mirror. Its a human need to feel part of another,to want to know in this lifetime that I am not alone no matter how alone I constantly feel. When I find that person whose eyes and words mirror mine I want to help ease the pain that sometimes handicaps their lives but I can't. No more than they can relieve my pain...We die as we are born, alone. There is no way to know for sure that life is going to ever be okay or that all the time and love we have put forward to others will ever come back to us. One day I could be me,married and living here with my kids and tomorrow I could be left by everyone who ever loved me. I have lost three quarters of my family already. Its difficult NOT to expect worse of tomorrow. Whenever I hope for more I get let down.Whenever I really give myself to another I lose them and the part of me I gave them unconditionally. I want to smile and say that I know everything will be okay,that my life will get better because,damn it,it can't get worse,but I know it can... It has. I might wake tomorrow and wish I'd been happy with what I had today,even the connections that are frayed and splitting. Be happy with what I have cause I'm lucky I have that....I know how lucky I am to have my children, my home, to be healthy as far as my body goes...Its my heart and mind, and the depression that won't let go of its hold on me like a thick fog that makes tomorrow more of a scary stranger to me than a welcome change... "Be happy for what you have because you aren't worthy of half of it."  That is the voice playing like a recording in my weary head...No more,I am not listening.I am fighting that voice and that pain and finding my way..

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