Where Did I Go?

I've been so afraid to live that I am not~So scared of messing up anything I do that I do nothing.Is it the agoraphobia or depression that keeps me from stepping out into the world.That's easy,right? No,I don't think I'd let the agoraphobia run my life if it weren't for the deep and overwhelming depression.

I used to work. Not just work but run a home for people,making important day to day decisions and helping people to stay clean. Now I wouldn't trust myself to give advice to anyone. Where did my self esteem go? Not so long ago I was working,shopping,keeping the house,paying the bills,playing with the kids,writing poetry and meeting with friends.Now the idea of doing any two of those things together in the same day not only scares but exhausts me.I don't sleep at night.Like a guard I wait for the next sound, the out of the ordinary noise,thinking I will be awake if anyone tries to break in. Then in the daytime while the kids are safely away at school I sleep hard. Thats when the depression takes over because once asleep I feel no reason at all to wake up. The kids come home and its time for homework.dinner and clean-up and honestly I just want to get back into bed.

I wonder what it will be that will finally get me up and moving? I guess for so long I was so busy being the caregiver and when Mom died and the father I know slipped into a memory-altered existence,I,too. died. Its not what Mom would have wished for me.Its not what I want.

Am I depressed because of my life and the way things have ended up so far or am I so depressed that a life that is fine feels like less? Its a viscous circle....The worst part is feeling alone-No one knows this pain,this deep hate for myself and,honestly, the feeling that no one will ever understand nor wants to. My friends who have bothered to check on me have only stopped to comment that they think I should just snap out of this...force myself to face the world. If they knew what I felt-like I am at the bottom of a dark and mile deep,dark ocean with no idea which way is up- they would never say or believe that what I am going through is a choice I've made. Depression is like a cancer, a disease that eats every bit of my hope and yearning to live.No, my body is not being affected like some cancer might do except that I don't eat and the lack of wanting to bother with anything has wreaked havoc from the outside in. I live in a bubble of my own depression while the world goes on around me...I don't think anyone has or will stop to make sure I'm still here.Everyone goes on just fine without me anyway. I'm simply a shell of myself.

Comments

Post a Comment

Have something to add?

Popular posts from this blog

~ The Silencing Of An Abused Voice ~

When you go through life feeling almost everything that happens around you, it can be very difficult to separate your heart from your mind and what you feel from what you know.  Most thoughts are rooted in emotions when you feel so much.  Your perception of the world and how it views you is influenced by your own self-worth. Perhaps over feeling everything has to do with being abused~ At least for me. Sexually, mentally and physically~ All forms of abuse can eat away at the core of self worth and become so overwhelming that in time it's all one can do to not pick everything apart-even compliments-for some hidden insult. It's exhausting, to say the least, and it can put a lot of distance between yourself and others.  As if you aren't lonely enough in that dark and cold place, you become a victim of your own thoughts, doubts and worries. You feel shame for the abuse because in your heart, you wonder what you did to deserve it, to cause it. Your brain tells you that these...
Read more

~Your loss, My Gain~

Image
Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves. I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me. My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think tha...
Read more

Taking A Joke

Its come to my attention that life is a joke....Or, at least, it should be taken as one. I am a perfectionist. I worry about things I cannot control and I worry about worrying. If there is something going on, be it a meeting for the kids, a doctors appointment next week or a bill due, I am going to put all my thought energy into thinking, rethinking and overthinking a possible negative outcome. Lately its gotten so bad that I cannot sleep, eat anything more than a snack or enjoy my life when it is going well. So worried about what might happen, I can't relish the moments that aren't going badly. So I decided last night that enough is enough! I am going to stop letting the "what if" scenarios of my days halt my life. There will be a tomorrow, the day will come and go and maybe come again and there may be really bad days in my future but I certainly cannot make them disappear or go smoother by stressing out about them all the moments and days before and until they c...
Read more