Have I Woken up or is it all a dream?
~There is something that happens to me once in a while that I have a very hard time describing. I don't mention it often but as It did happen today I am wondering if this happens to everyone?
~How do I describe it? Okay, when it happens I am sitting alone, it is quiet. For some reason i have stopped looking around or at anything of any importance and focused my eyes on one thing. Then it starts happening;I call it an "awakening" because over and over, like waking from a strange, unfamiliar place in a dream and into the comfort of my room, I come back to the room, back into my head. Some people might call it coming out of a trance except for the fact that I was never in a trance. In a minute or two I have gone from looking at something to the room and my mind says over and over the words "I am really here, I am REALLY here..." and my mind seems to have to sincerely take in the room and the fact that I, Stacy, am REALLY here in this room, in this body and of this world...No, not like an extraterestrial "of this world" but a human one like before that moment I wasn't living. No, this is not another form of realization that I am me and I have a place in this world, etc but a real, true, strange waking into something that already existed for me, my life, and my mind almost going into it as if LIFE is the dream and dreaming is the real life...Okay, I said it all, explained it the best way I know how and that's that. Don't bother sending the men in white coats (I have already passed the competancy tests, lol)...
~Onto today. I stayed busy, cleaning, grocery shopping and trying to figure out how to deal with 3 cats fighting (or spraying) to prove their territory. Called for pricing on getting them neutered (holy crap) and am getting to the point where I think to myself it would be so much easier to give up BUT I can't.Period.They are part of the family and honestly, after losing their Nana Chris I don't think my two children could handle another loss. I want to blog about Mom and our losing her about a year ago and I will but today its not at the forefront of my mind as it usually is so I will give myself a break on that.
~I have been shy about how to handle this blog. Do I go forward using my name? I know that I cannot use other peoples names or else they may become upset and sue me...I am a very open person but most of the people I will be talking about arent including my husband. He is of the belief that what happens between him and I should stay between him and I. I respect that. The problem is...I am trying, through this blog and through my poetry writing, to get to the root of some of my actions and thinking...How can I do that if I don't talk about my biggest relatiionship? Then another idea, change MY name also...That would aleviate all problems having to do with identities. My problem with that is how honest am I being if I am using a fake name? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. As is is I have only invited about 10 people to read this. I have yet to even publish it to face book. As much as I am NOT embarrassed about my past, my molestation and my other life experiences, I don't want what I do to affect my family. Then I think, we all do jobs, have hobbies or act out in ways that affect our family and friends everyday whether we mean to or not, why should I stiffle something that is just screaming to be heard? I know one thing, it is time to stop seeking validation from everyone else and do, for once, whatever I need to do FOR ME. (this is where I keep myself from typing, "So what do you think?" LMAO...What do I think? That is the question, the reason I am here. ~Stacy
~~When we look outward for answers, when we take others opionions and let only their voices lead us, how can we truly call ourselves an independant person? We must listen to our own voice, trust our own opinions and let that guide us or else give in completely and lose the "I" in life. SJR~~
~How do I describe it? Okay, when it happens I am sitting alone, it is quiet. For some reason i have stopped looking around or at anything of any importance and focused my eyes on one thing. Then it starts happening;I call it an "awakening" because over and over, like waking from a strange, unfamiliar place in a dream and into the comfort of my room, I come back to the room, back into my head. Some people might call it coming out of a trance except for the fact that I was never in a trance. In a minute or two I have gone from looking at something to the room and my mind says over and over the words "I am really here, I am REALLY here..." and my mind seems to have to sincerely take in the room and the fact that I, Stacy, am REALLY here in this room, in this body and of this world...No, not like an extraterestrial "of this world" but a human one like before that moment I wasn't living. No, this is not another form of realization that I am me and I have a place in this world, etc but a real, true, strange waking into something that already existed for me, my life, and my mind almost going into it as if LIFE is the dream and dreaming is the real life...Okay, I said it all, explained it the best way I know how and that's that. Don't bother sending the men in white coats (I have already passed the competancy tests, lol)...
~Onto today. I stayed busy, cleaning, grocery shopping and trying to figure out how to deal with 3 cats fighting (or spraying) to prove their territory. Called for pricing on getting them neutered (holy crap) and am getting to the point where I think to myself it would be so much easier to give up BUT I can't.Period.They are part of the family and honestly, after losing their Nana Chris I don't think my two children could handle another loss. I want to blog about Mom and our losing her about a year ago and I will but today its not at the forefront of my mind as it usually is so I will give myself a break on that.
~I have been shy about how to handle this blog. Do I go forward using my name? I know that I cannot use other peoples names or else they may become upset and sue me...I am a very open person but most of the people I will be talking about arent including my husband. He is of the belief that what happens between him and I should stay between him and I. I respect that. The problem is...I am trying, through this blog and through my poetry writing, to get to the root of some of my actions and thinking...How can I do that if I don't talk about my biggest relatiionship? Then another idea, change MY name also...That would aleviate all problems having to do with identities. My problem with that is how honest am I being if I am using a fake name? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. As is is I have only invited about 10 people to read this. I have yet to even publish it to face book. As much as I am NOT embarrassed about my past, my molestation and my other life experiences, I don't want what I do to affect my family. Then I think, we all do jobs, have hobbies or act out in ways that affect our family and friends everyday whether we mean to or not, why should I stiffle something that is just screaming to be heard? I know one thing, it is time to stop seeking validation from everyone else and do, for once, whatever I need to do FOR ME. (this is where I keep myself from typing, "So what do you think?" LMAO...What do I think? That is the question, the reason I am here. ~Stacy
~~When we look outward for answers, when we take others opionions and let only their voices lead us, how can we truly call ourselves an independant person? We must listen to our own voice, trust our own opinions and let that guide us or else give in completely and lose the "I" in life. SJR~~
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