The first day for blogging
I am going to be honest, as an agoraphobic and a stay at home mom, I don't see or participate in anything too exciting. I wake up whenever my back can't take the bed anymore thanks to a hubby whose shift doesn't start until 3pm, I make myself a great big cup of coffee and slowly greet the day.I have had to learn to stay off of the computer since I have let it take over a big chunk of my life.Hey. I am a damn agoraphobic, the idea of showering, getting dressed and actually LEAVING the house scares the hell out of me.With Face book I can go as I am; noone will see my hair or whether I am still in my pajamas or not.
The truth of why I am trying to stay off here? Long story short, I have been married 12 years and after losing my Mother about a year ago and my Dad a year before that (my dad is not deceased by the way, he is not my dad anymore since his stroke stole his real personality away), I was reaching out for help to the wrong people.I met and talked to other people instead of my own husband and I am trying to figure out why...WHy do we(or at least me) find it so much easier to rehash my life to a stranger than to the man who married me and my own family and friends.I think its because of the fear of letting people down...I always wanted to make everyone happy, everyone but me.
See, I have always been the caregiver, always. Even as a young child My brother was always into trouble.The kinds of trouble where my mom couldn't go grocery shopping with him because he had been kicked out of every store for stealing, the sort of trouble that makes your neighbors lock their doors and look at even me and my sister with the question in their eyes of "Are you like your brother? Best to guess you are and treat you accordingly then to find out the hard way." My brother is 4 years older than me and is now in minumum security prison, What for? Wow, I can't quite remember, was it for mugging someone? No, that was the first jail sentence. I don't remember the second or 3rd time really but this time. oh yes, he was living with one of our childhood friends and his wife and child when he decided to steal the money right out of the bank account of the child with the atm card that was left on the counter...Not only was the child a baby but he also had cancer. My brother was caught on tape and the bank pressed charges. So there he sits, having stolen money given to the baby,breaking a very good relationship up between our parents and theirs and on top of it made up a story about the friend being in on it.
Anyway,the caregiver point was what I was trying to get at...As a sister who is 4 years younger I had to "babysit" for my brother while Mom shopped or visited any place that had ripped off.I hated those days...I would be trying to watch him without him knowing,(couldn't stop him if he did decide to steal from Mom and Dad or take off) and then report back to Mom.He used to hold me down and hit me from the moment mom left until she got back. Still, parents see only what they choose to and my parents didn't choose to see that.If they did they never would have been able to leave the house. No one would offer to babysit anymore, not when br brother would steal from them and berate them. I hated what he was doing to my family and I hated that I had to be the one to keep an eye on him when I was supposed to be kept an eye on. Not to mention my sister was four years younger so she was on my watch too. Oh well, we all have our sob stories...Anyway, he calls me once a week from prison asking for money or stamps or both. Wonders if i can get it on a scheme with him where he sends me money from his account, money he made for working that is meant to be saved for when he is let out for housing and not allowed to be touched...One loop hole? If he has me submit bills for the cost of his long-distance, collect calls to me, I can be compensated out of this account. Here's where he makes out (as always)...I don't get to use it to pay the bill. No, instead the plan is that I send it right back to him for him to use. No one would be the wiser.See? Even in jail he is still up to no good. Guess what the money is for? Its for name brand soaps and shampoos. The prison only gives the generic and he wants the best...(In the meantime I have to settle for the 99 cent shampoo in a bad week but he gets what he wants all the time. As a kid I always heard the term "bad seed" when people would refer to my brother. How else could anyone explain a bad kid when my sister and I are just fine? It depends on what "just fine" means!
So today I took a call from my brother. A week or so ago he had called asking me to call some college that does free legal work.It seems he had a dirty urine so they sent him up to medium security, tossed all his things(that I bought by sending him hundreds of dollars)and he wanted a student lawyer who would work for free to prove his innocence. Well, I guess his urine finally came back clean the 2nd time but thanks to them tossing all his shampoo,soap and deodarants he needs more money.God knows I am just floating in money.(thats a joke btw).
A few weeks ago I had to stop enabling my dad and put up a boundary to my own family because of me taking care of him, being his caregiver and stupidly expecting him to be thankful or at least work with me to make the next step be a positive one for him. Thats a blog for another day but lets say I had to say "enough" and that was the hardest and best thing I have done in a long time.This is me giving up and yet holding on tighter than ever...A normal woman with too big of a heart, I guess, or too small of a mouth...
Until tomorrow,...
Let your inner poet write verses in your mind, string sentences in the air and pull beauty from the clouds...Its there, we just need to be open to it!
The truth of why I am trying to stay off here? Long story short, I have been married 12 years and after losing my Mother about a year ago and my Dad a year before that (my dad is not deceased by the way, he is not my dad anymore since his stroke stole his real personality away), I was reaching out for help to the wrong people.I met and talked to other people instead of my own husband and I am trying to figure out why...WHy do we(or at least me) find it so much easier to rehash my life to a stranger than to the man who married me and my own family and friends.I think its because of the fear of letting people down...I always wanted to make everyone happy, everyone but me.
See, I have always been the caregiver, always. Even as a young child My brother was always into trouble.The kinds of trouble where my mom couldn't go grocery shopping with him because he had been kicked out of every store for stealing, the sort of trouble that makes your neighbors lock their doors and look at even me and my sister with the question in their eyes of "Are you like your brother? Best to guess you are and treat you accordingly then to find out the hard way." My brother is 4 years older than me and is now in minumum security prison, What for? Wow, I can't quite remember, was it for mugging someone? No, that was the first jail sentence. I don't remember the second or 3rd time really but this time. oh yes, he was living with one of our childhood friends and his wife and child when he decided to steal the money right out of the bank account of the child with the atm card that was left on the counter...Not only was the child a baby but he also had cancer. My brother was caught on tape and the bank pressed charges. So there he sits, having stolen money given to the baby,breaking a very good relationship up between our parents and theirs and on top of it made up a story about the friend being in on it.
Anyway,the caregiver point was what I was trying to get at...As a sister who is 4 years younger I had to "babysit" for my brother while Mom shopped or visited any place that had ripped off.I hated those days...I would be trying to watch him without him knowing,(couldn't stop him if he did decide to steal from Mom and Dad or take off) and then report back to Mom.He used to hold me down and hit me from the moment mom left until she got back. Still, parents see only what they choose to and my parents didn't choose to see that.If they did they never would have been able to leave the house. No one would offer to babysit anymore, not when br brother would steal from them and berate them. I hated what he was doing to my family and I hated that I had to be the one to keep an eye on him when I was supposed to be kept an eye on. Not to mention my sister was four years younger so she was on my watch too. Oh well, we all have our sob stories...Anyway, he calls me once a week from prison asking for money or stamps or both. Wonders if i can get it on a scheme with him where he sends me money from his account, money he made for working that is meant to be saved for when he is let out for housing and not allowed to be touched...One loop hole? If he has me submit bills for the cost of his long-distance, collect calls to me, I can be compensated out of this account. Here's where he makes out (as always)...I don't get to use it to pay the bill. No, instead the plan is that I send it right back to him for him to use. No one would be the wiser.See? Even in jail he is still up to no good. Guess what the money is for? Its for name brand soaps and shampoos. The prison only gives the generic and he wants the best...(In the meantime I have to settle for the 99 cent shampoo in a bad week but he gets what he wants all the time. As a kid I always heard the term "bad seed" when people would refer to my brother. How else could anyone explain a bad kid when my sister and I are just fine? It depends on what "just fine" means!
So today I took a call from my brother. A week or so ago he had called asking me to call some college that does free legal work.It seems he had a dirty urine so they sent him up to medium security, tossed all his things(that I bought by sending him hundreds of dollars)and he wanted a student lawyer who would work for free to prove his innocence. Well, I guess his urine finally came back clean the 2nd time but thanks to them tossing all his shampoo,soap and deodarants he needs more money.God knows I am just floating in money.(thats a joke btw).
A few weeks ago I had to stop enabling my dad and put up a boundary to my own family because of me taking care of him, being his caregiver and stupidly expecting him to be thankful or at least work with me to make the next step be a positive one for him. Thats a blog for another day but lets say I had to say "enough" and that was the hardest and best thing I have done in a long time.This is me giving up and yet holding on tighter than ever...A normal woman with too big of a heart, I guess, or too small of a mouth...
Until tomorrow,...
Let your inner poet write verses in your mind, string sentences in the air and pull beauty from the clouds...Its there, we just need to be open to it!
Comments
Post a Comment
Have something to add?