Crazy crazy nite

Its 10 pm, the kids just went to bed (kinda like two tornadoes whipping about then landing into one place with the energy still reeling) and my husband is coming home early from work..Not much time to myself. No wonder I tend to be a night owl, only at night when they are asleep do I really get time to myself. Even then the cats take up much of my attention.

Today I am bothered by the behavior of a friend. Although we have never met in person because we live 3,000 miles away, I considered this person my friend as well as they said they too considered me the same. Yet, a week or so has gone by (again) and to spite my sending two messages and forwarding this blog as well as some of my poetry, I have had no response from them. Sure, they could be having a busy week with many things taking up their time and the computer could possibly be the last thing on their mind but they have been on several times and this isn't the first time that this friend has done this to me.

The friendship is, to say the least,confusing. I don't know from one conversation to the next what to expect. I am always having to carry on the conversation when we do instant message and any talk of emotions or past memories they close up like a flower in the cold. For what I know about this person and what they allow me to see, I believe we would get along wonderfully in person. They have taken an interest in my life, listened to me talk about my problems and we have laughed a lot. We have even found ourselves sharing many things in common including liking to color with crayons (LOL) and play with legos to escape the stress of being an adult as well as how we like to spend our time. The problem has always been that they don't let me return the shoulder to cry on or the honor of listening to them complain about life. They have said that they would never want to lose my friendship, that they feel lucky to have it but I have been left day after day and week after week through the 6months of our friendship to wonder if they really truly value me.

I believe they are afraid to feel and to really let me because they have been hurt so therefore I am the "next" friendship and therefore their test friendship. Do I save myself the constant let down and give up or do I push on knowing that if I want to continue I will have to do all the reaching out as well as holding up the falling walls of this thing called friendship? I am at a loss. It saddens me because I give 100 percent to each relationship but feel like this person doesn't consider me even a small part of their life...

~Stacy J Roosa

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