Why I Failed you
Putting aside the very angry and scary outbursts, the threats and the fear you could draw out of me as you came at me with anger burning in your eyes, I want to explain why I left you...
We were married 15 years and to all that looked on, we seemed to be a happy couple. Awesome kids, a home...I was all smiles and positive. It was my privilege to stay home with the kids 24/7 while you worked hard. When you came home I had dinner ready, the house clean and the kids and I were always thrilled to see you.
You used to listen to me ramble on. Anyone who knows me realizes that I have a LOT going on in my mind all at once and that if I feel it, I need to share it verbally. I imagine I wasn't very calming when things were stressful. I tried to leave it in my journal, think and worry on it quietly and fix whatever was going on in my mind on my own. But I always showed you my love for you...Even when I doubted yours for me. You barely shared your emotions. I couldn't fathom that. It felt like you were blocking me out. Your childhood, any bad days....You would either show extreme anger towards me or the world or be like a kid playing goofy games and wrestling the kids. There seemed to be no in between for you.
I wanted you to have a life outside of work. I learned early on that you were not going to be happy if you weren't doing your thing, your way. You even felt controlled if I asked you to take time out of work or your volunteer fire department, to spend "special" time with me and the kids...Even finishing a family meal with us was like asking you to give up the world. When you were home and no fire or EMT calls were coming in, it was like you weren't "there" with us. Not that I minded watching T.V. with you, but I wanted more.
I was lonely. God I was so lonely. And I had few people to talk to. Mom kept telling me to work it out. Mom was the queen of staying put no matter what..She would tell me that I over dramatize things in my head....turn something that was possibly innocently said or done into a personal attack. But I learned Still how could I turn that "off" when you were missing? I learned to internalize it. I stopped sharing my poetry, my dreams and wishes with you. I don't think you read more than 2 of my poems . I stopped talking to you about how my abuse as a child made me fearful for our kids safety. To spite your promises that they were fine, they weren't.
Shit happened. Too much for one family. Too much to mention but the turning point was while I was finally back at work full time, running a program and finally proud of the work I was doing outside of being a Mom and you were still expecting me to be the "housewife" who you could drop the kids off to whenever you wanted to do your thing. I was getting crap from my boss for having to leave work early at times so you could show your face at an emt or fire alarm call. At other times I was berated by my workplace for you dropping them literally off to my workplace. Then you announced that you were going to drive a semi~truck across country and would be gone for weeks at a time. My opinion didn't matter.
Where did I fit in? Did I even matter? In all of this we had our blow outs...and sure, I could be a bitch. I knew what buttons to push to get you mad but most of all I learned to keep my damn mouth shut and hide when your anger flared up. It could be someone who cut you off in traffic, a jerk at work or my request to have even one night without your scanner and fire dept radio screeching.
I was invisible to you. I found you no longer respected my opinion.
Then Mom died. You helped me get through the endless phone calls, setting up my brothers visit to Mom's casket from where he was in prison. You put on that charismatic and caring face that everyone but I got to experience. I did my thing....wrote and read a eulogy for Mom. Said Goodbye. Everyone kept telling me how strong I was, how proud Mom was of me. When all the friends and family left I crumpled. I couldn't return to work or even go out to get the mail. It was like the outside world was going to swallow me whole.
Most of the time my agoraphobia suited you because it meant you could work and volunteer and hang out with friends and never have to worry about the kids. And to spite my deep and very dark depression I managed to show them love, cook them dinner and still be there for you...
But I learned in that time with all the drama with my family's home being invaded and taken and Dad moving on so quickly that nothing, NOTHING, not even love, can hold together a couple if one person wasn't wanting to do the work.
I failed you because I could have drawn the line...I could have said "enough", "Snapped" out of my depression and found a way into your heart which, I learned 15 years too late, that I never lived in. Still my depression, unlike your emotions, didn't have a switch.
I failed you because I needed to feel loved, needed for more than my parenting skills, and wanted. I expected too much. Maybe I always will.
Maybe it's me.I left you for a man who read my poetry and blog because he wanted to and not because I pushed it on him. He cares about my feelings...wants to help me put the puzzle together that is my life. I know that hurt you... You moved on quickly and I think the experiences showed you that you need to be present in the moment.
Today I am happy to say that we can "co-parent" from 3,000 miles apart. It's not perfect. Sometimes it feels like you want me to fail. Still, I want only for you to find someone who makes you truly happy...Someone who helps you to want to be home and in a family. I want for you to have a wonderful relationship with our kids. I hope that you will start to see that while I am far from perfect, all I ever did was give up my life for you and for our kids.
That is where I failed ME. I deserve to be a person...To work through this anxiety and find my place in the world. To this day I have never EVER heard you tell anyone that I am a good or an even ok parent, that I write, that I was the very reason you were able to work so hard because you had no one at home to worry about....That I was always here for you.
And even to this day you call me and tell me about your life, your ups and your downs, your relationships and work. I pray for only great things for you, that you figure out how to tame your temper, how to make life about living and loving and not just working. I hope you find a woman who makes you feel good about yourself and proud of her.
I used to wonder "Do you even think about me? The Mother of your kids?" and then I realize that its not my problem anymore... And I let go.
We were married 15 years and to all that looked on, we seemed to be a happy couple. Awesome kids, a home...I was all smiles and positive. It was my privilege to stay home with the kids 24/7 while you worked hard. When you came home I had dinner ready, the house clean and the kids and I were always thrilled to see you.
You used to listen to me ramble on. Anyone who knows me realizes that I have a LOT going on in my mind all at once and that if I feel it, I need to share it verbally. I imagine I wasn't very calming when things were stressful. I tried to leave it in my journal, think and worry on it quietly and fix whatever was going on in my mind on my own. But I always showed you my love for you...Even when I doubted yours for me. You barely shared your emotions. I couldn't fathom that. It felt like you were blocking me out. Your childhood, any bad days....You would either show extreme anger towards me or the world or be like a kid playing goofy games and wrestling the kids. There seemed to be no in between for you.
I wanted you to have a life outside of work. I learned early on that you were not going to be happy if you weren't doing your thing, your way. You even felt controlled if I asked you to take time out of work or your volunteer fire department, to spend "special" time with me and the kids...Even finishing a family meal with us was like asking you to give up the world. When you were home and no fire or EMT calls were coming in, it was like you weren't "there" with us. Not that I minded watching T.V. with you, but I wanted more.
I was lonely. God I was so lonely. And I had few people to talk to. Mom kept telling me to work it out. Mom was the queen of staying put no matter what..She would tell me that I over dramatize things in my head....turn something that was possibly innocently said or done into a personal attack. But I learned Still how could I turn that "off" when you were missing? I learned to internalize it. I stopped sharing my poetry, my dreams and wishes with you. I don't think you read more than 2 of my poems . I stopped talking to you about how my abuse as a child made me fearful for our kids safety. To spite your promises that they were fine, they weren't.
Shit happened. Too much for one family. Too much to mention but the turning point was while I was finally back at work full time, running a program and finally proud of the work I was doing outside of being a Mom and you were still expecting me to be the "housewife" who you could drop the kids off to whenever you wanted to do your thing. I was getting crap from my boss for having to leave work early at times so you could show your face at an emt or fire alarm call. At other times I was berated by my workplace for you dropping them literally off to my workplace. Then you announced that you were going to drive a semi~truck across country and would be gone for weeks at a time. My opinion didn't matter.
Where did I fit in? Did I even matter? In all of this we had our blow outs...and sure, I could be a bitch. I knew what buttons to push to get you mad but most of all I learned to keep my damn mouth shut and hide when your anger flared up. It could be someone who cut you off in traffic, a jerk at work or my request to have even one night without your scanner and fire dept radio screeching.
I was invisible to you. I found you no longer respected my opinion.
Then Mom died. You helped me get through the endless phone calls, setting up my brothers visit to Mom's casket from where he was in prison. You put on that charismatic and caring face that everyone but I got to experience. I did my thing....wrote and read a eulogy for Mom. Said Goodbye. Everyone kept telling me how strong I was, how proud Mom was of me. When all the friends and family left I crumpled. I couldn't return to work or even go out to get the mail. It was like the outside world was going to swallow me whole.
Most of the time my agoraphobia suited you because it meant you could work and volunteer and hang out with friends and never have to worry about the kids. And to spite my deep and very dark depression I managed to show them love, cook them dinner and still be there for you...
But I learned in that time with all the drama with my family's home being invaded and taken and Dad moving on so quickly that nothing, NOTHING, not even love, can hold together a couple if one person wasn't wanting to do the work.
I failed you because I could have drawn the line...I could have said "enough", "Snapped" out of my depression and found a way into your heart which, I learned 15 years too late, that I never lived in. Still my depression, unlike your emotions, didn't have a switch.
I failed you because I needed to feel loved, needed for more than my parenting skills, and wanted. I expected too much. Maybe I always will.
Maybe it's me.I left you for a man who read my poetry and blog because he wanted to and not because I pushed it on him. He cares about my feelings...wants to help me put the puzzle together that is my life. I know that hurt you... You moved on quickly and I think the experiences showed you that you need to be present in the moment.
Today I am happy to say that we can "co-parent" from 3,000 miles apart. It's not perfect. Sometimes it feels like you want me to fail. Still, I want only for you to find someone who makes you truly happy...Someone who helps you to want to be home and in a family. I want for you to have a wonderful relationship with our kids. I hope that you will start to see that while I am far from perfect, all I ever did was give up my life for you and for our kids.
That is where I failed ME. I deserve to be a person...To work through this anxiety and find my place in the world. To this day I have never EVER heard you tell anyone that I am a good or an even ok parent, that I write, that I was the very reason you were able to work so hard because you had no one at home to worry about....That I was always here for you.
And even to this day you call me and tell me about your life, your ups and your downs, your relationships and work. I pray for only great things for you, that you figure out how to tame your temper, how to make life about living and loving and not just working. I hope you find a woman who makes you feel good about yourself and proud of her.
I used to wonder "Do you even think about me? The Mother of your kids?" and then I realize that its not my problem anymore... And I let go.
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