What I Hate and Why

I don't use the "hate" word often because I realize the weight and power I am giving to the person or thing in my mind and that I am wasting such a strong emotion on them when they or it isn't worth my energy. But, in fact, there are things I hate and I am ready and willing to put them out here so I can, I hope, let these controlling emotions go.

1. I hate, hate HATE having my picture taken. There are few pictures of me. The snapshots that are in our family album as a baby up until I was a teenager are all the ones I have that I ever want to see...and even those make me cringe. The ones I have on my facebook pages are all self portraits taken by myself, up close and very carefully taken, deleted then retaken until I looked half way okay. I realize most people don't like to see pictures of themselves but it seems that I are among few who have a very deep desire to cut myself out of any picture with me in it. Am I ugly? I'm certainly not pretty, but no, I am not deformed. Would I feel better if I lost weight and always had make up on when a photo was being shot? I'd be more willing to have a picture snapped of me but not thrilled with having to see it. I see all my flaws. I think that makes me a shallow. I am not proud of that.  On a side note, my Mom didn't like her picture taken and, to spite being complimented often on her beauty, she often admitted feeling ugly too. But no, she never said anything negative to me about my looks. Quite the opposite. But there were other people in my life that liked to use my own negativity about my looks to hurt me. I am careful not to say negative things about myself outloud because, thank God, my kids, while gorgeous, do not seem to have my same hang ups.

This subject will be revisited. I firmly believe so much of my self esteem issues have to do with my past.

2. I hate my house unorganized, dirty and any laundry or chores left undone. I know a lot of people feel this way and up until I weaned myself off of pain medications and ceased having any energy, I was constantly dusting, vacuuming, washing, organizing and decorating my home. I know why~ It was the ONLY control I felt over the chaotic world.  Now where we are, the house was left to us with a LOT of issues including dog urine soaked into and staining the entire hallway, walls that are blackened with smoke in the kitchen and grease marks everywhere. The whole house smells like wet dog. Now, I am NOT in anyway judging the person who lived here before us...I am just saying that I will NOT turn on the hallway light because seeing those stains makes me uncomfortable and out of control of my surroundings. And no matter how much I've scrubbed them, they are not going anywhere but deeper into the carpet. Eventually we will either have to re~carpet or lay new carpet pieces over the hallway so I can walk down the hall without having to wear shoes or clenching my teeth.

If you are imagining me coming into YOUR house and judging your mess or chaos you are dead wrong. I actually enjoy going to and visiting houses that are lived in~ Dusty, dirty, unwashed dishes....Its fine with me. I am actually in awe of people who live rather than clean for a living. I don't have to control your world or environment, just mine. 

3. I hate not being liked. I think I am an easy going person. If you like me, I like you. And if I don't much care for a person, I still try to find the best in them. But if one person doesn't like me its as if everyone doesn't like me...I see negativity even in people who, I am sure, are not being negative. I will admit that I often make up things in my own head, see people give looks that, while are probably innocent, are perceived by me as them not liking me.

4. I hate sand dollars. I know people love them, decorate them and hang them on the wall. I get that they are a beautiful act of nature but something about the intricity of the markings literally makes me throw up. Snow that is crusty and "layered" gives me the same uneasy feeling. I think it has to do with the sexual abuse I endured at about the age of 7. Maybe its an item that I looked at in order to "fade away" from what was happening to me. I don't remember but there are several "flash backs" I do have that bring that time back to me...including the t.v. show "Solid Gold" (which was playing on the T.V), and the very apartment building where it happened that I had to pass almost daily years after the age of 7 and until I moved here to California. Also, when I close my eyes I often see my childhood favorite cartoon "The Flintstones" turn from their normal hue to a very dirty and disturbing blackened scribble of themselves. When those flashes come I cannot breathe but somehow I come out of it....Even if it takes till morning.

5. I hate the very controlling and stupid fear of leaving my home. Granted, I am in a new state, 3,000 miles away from home and its a much bigger city than I am used to but, damn it, I do not NOT want to depend on other people to "hold my hand" so I can go grocery shopping or to pick up my kids from school!

6. I hate that my fiance cannot come up and surprise me with a touch anywhere on my body, even my shoulder,  without me flinching. It's not fair to him that my past affects us. It sucks. Yes, I've been to therapy...Yes, I've written about all this until my fingers have ached. I've even decided and made groups and pages on the idea that I am a SURVIVOR and NOT a victim. I often feel like a fool because I need validation more than I have advice to give.

7. But I hate feeling like a victim. And I don't want to explain myself to anyone who doesn't care to know my story. I don't want to be scared of writing, or of possibly succeeding. I want to write for me, for other people like me, and hope that I can help myself and others....And to hell with whether a book is written or my blog is well known.

I am writing for me...and if you find some solace or likeness in my words, I am thrilled to share...It's my calling, I think...Just because I will never be read by thousands or millions it doesn't mean my words or feelings mean nothing. Believe me, my heart can tell you honestly, I've got a lot of feelings and so much more to say.