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~The First Cut Is The Deepest~

The first time I cut myself for pleasure, I was in 9th grade. I didn't know why I was doing it except that it felt good. It was a high like nothing I'd felt before. It was the worst pain and the best but it was my pain. One I could control unlike the rest of the misery I felt in my soul. It was a Saturday night and like always, Mom was at work doing over time she wasn't paid to do and Dad was in bed. I honestly don't remember where my sister was. I imagine in bed or out at a friend's house. My brother was in prison. It was his first stint there for breaking and entering and wouldn't be his last. I was lonely. Like always, the feeling of need and desperation was like a hole in my heart. I couldn't fill it with anything but attention and what I knew well~Pain... I remember going to the kitchen. It was dark except for the light on the stove.  I quietly went through the drawers and the knife block to find a knife that no one would miss. When I found it I s...
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Its the truth....

I am feeling very lonely, scared, unsure of my future and not too sure there will be a future. Whenever I try to "see" past the next few months its all black....I have never felt like that before. No matter how depressed I've been I have had the ability to see hope and a plan for the coming years. I want to get out of my house and my head and go to work but I don't know how to leave the house. I have applied for job after job on line but can't find a way to walk into a place and do the same thing I do on line...Filling out an application...How hard can it be? Then even the possibility of one of those jobs calling me in for a meeting...OMG, it makes my stomach hurt..Just thinking about an interview and then, if I get a job, the training, makes my heart start banging in my chest and my skin start to sweat. I can't breathe... I can't breathe.... I can't figure out anymore how to live. It doesn't even make me sad anymore. It just makes me feel aw...
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Reaching out is the most difficult part

Apparently in spite of all the good things in my life I am currently caught, again, in the tight grip of depression. While I've experienced it most of my life, I can't always recognize that is has me until I'm well imprisoned by it's firm hold. One minute I'm laughing and enjoying the little things in life, the next I'm struggling with ugly, broken thoughts. And like pieces of glass in my head, the thoughts cut into the flesh and leave me bleeding only darkness. When I am in a depressive state I am not sad all the time. There isn't some large black cloud that follows me everywhere. If we are to compare it to weather, which I usually do not, I honestly feel soothed by the darkness because the sunshine is too much a reminder of what I should or could be. Depression for me is eating to try to fill the empty spaces inside. It's denying the sunshine by closing all the blinds. It's sitting at the dining room table with Jesse's family and my own dau...
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