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~Your loss, My Gain~

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Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves. I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me. My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think tha...
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- Not A Word -

Your silence pains me. It catches a sigh so deep in my chest that it hurts to move and to breathe. Your silence has a way of gobbling up  all of the sweet words you've spoken until the teeth of doubt chews away at reason. Your silence haunts me. Like the one lone shadow in an open,  sun-drenched field where no objects stand to cause a block of the sun, your quiet eclipses the sunshine. Your silence shames me. I go over every word we have said to eachother. I pick apart sentences until the words are unlatched and mixed up. Then I  rearrange them in my head until their meaning is muddy and I feel a conflict within me. Your silence breaks me. I'd rather you voice the truth-  whatever that is- to clear up all this anxiety storming within. I continue to feel that I am not worthy of your time... Even a mere second. The sharp edges of the words "too busy" and "not important enough"  cut into the flesh of my brain, leaking the poison ...
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~Why She Stays~

She has yet to let anyone in... Has welcomed them to her world,  gave them her everything but not her heart... Never her heart. She has a way of always keeping them  close enough to feel her love yet never deep within to allow herself to feel theirs . She cries in the night even with their supportive arms around her. She doesn't know that they love her more than she could ever believe. Yet sadly if she did realize she would run straight back into his arms because she feels safer in the tight, choking hold of his abuse than in the wide open, sunshine~flooded space of true Love. Like a fool she hungers for that control he takes from her~ For that abuse because its all that she has known, all she has breathed into her soul for so long. He won't challenge or leave her. He won't ask for her heart. Like the dark she can count on him . But the sunshine she cannot. Why can't she let real love in? The one who loves her...
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