~Why The Abused Person In Me Writes~Repost

~There's a voice in me calling out to be heard. It was born when I was first molested as a young child and has been building with time. The voice once like an animal scratching at its cage, is now hollering in need to be heard. Wisdom has been growing slowly but very strong in all the pain. Its always there-the words in me and I don't always know what I am going to say. Yet with  pen or keyboard in hand that voice finally feels free to tell my story. Not always backed by enough years at school, my voice can lose strength at times  but where I might lack the easiness at what words I should choose, I never lack the honesty or the sincerity of what has happened to this body, and in turn, my heart and mind, Yes, I too fear judgment from my readers but know that anyone who comes to this place for the right reasons will not walk away questioning why they came. There cannot be any judge of someone's experience with being molested.

 ~Why was I molested as a 7 year old? Why was I raped at 17? Why later in life did I endure such self esteem derailing mental abuse by my first love? Why did I cut myself as a teenager? Why did I watch as my parents love grew so strongly over 30 years only to see the bloom become beheaded by a physical stroke that hit my father?  What was the reason for me to care for and live with my Mom and Dad and to protect their home from foreclosure when they were sick and in no place to do it on their own only now to see it be taken anyway when Dad did not want to fight for it later? Why now do I shrink from the limelight when as a teenager I wanted to be in the spotlight? Why is the man I was married to for 15 years, who I had 2 kids with so readily and easily able to let me go and treat me like I meant nothing?

 ~I can go on asking so many questions...voicing my hurt and angst but while each question may have different answers, the me inside is shaped and molded from each experience. I don't know why there are bad people in this world who abuse others. I don't know how such innocent and beautiful souls can live just seconds away from such ugly people.  I imagine they weren't always bad. Something similar probably happened to them to become that way. I may never figure out why so much abuse happened to me and my family but I do know that I can take all these bad things that happened and make them into something positive for others. We can either let the bad things in our life take and keep us down or we can take them in, process and survive them. While being abused is part of who I am it is NOT WHO I am! In the end we will be smarter, wiser and stronger for each bad experience yet only if we have good, supportive people around us who teach us that its not our fault. We cannot always find the sun in the darkness...Sometimes we will lay down for a bit and let the pain take over. We are only human. But we know that even some failure is good for us because if we never fail we cannot know how grand succeeding can be.

~I know now that my experiences happened for reasons I may never know or understand...I know more importantly that weren't my own fault. Too often children and adults who have been raped or molested carry around a feeling of responsibility for their abuse. They think that because they "allowed" it or didn't know better that they are the reason it happened. Even my own Mother blamed herself because she thought she should have taught me better. Still, I taught my kids and yet it happened to them. No, its not their fault. Its the fault and sickness of the adult. Period.

~I am never going to change what happened or even how I dealt with it up until now yet its what I can do with what has happened from now on that counts. For whatever reason I am not shy about sharing my experiences of abuse with others. It's that lack of fear that has enabled me to bare my soul to others.  Its how (I hope) to show my humanity and to help other people to not feel alone in their pain. It's my way of giving a voice to survivors of sexual, physical, verbal and mental abuse. If I can take a blank page and carefully revisit those raw memories that have bled and hurt me so badly, then truthfully and thoughtfully fill the page with my story, then I feel like it didn't all happen for nothing. My cutting and my need for constant validation were reactions to my abuse. Understanding my actions may help me to help another to go through their own experience with abuse in a safer and healthier way than I did. I want to offer a safe place for people to come to to be able to read what experiences I've endured. I want people to know they are not alone and then be able to walk away feeling that another person on this earth has dealt with similar experiences.Feeling alone, after all, makes all things worse, especially something so cruel happening at such a young and vulnerable age. I want to help people become survivors but not victims of their abuse. If I can do all that then I have done what I set out to do.  It hurts me intently to think that someone else, anyone, is hurting alone in this world....That they are suffering having been sexually abused. I want to give them someone to talk to and confide in even if its simply by reading their own story through my words. I feel like its my reason for being and I feel honored to be a voice for such hurting yet strong and brave survivors of abuse. Also, I hate the idea of t.v., media and the very offender getting more attention than the abused person themselves. While no one wants to be outed for being abused and they should have their privacy, the things we learn from each person's experience can hopefully be pieced together to aid in stopping abuse all together.

~For some people the very fact that I talk about my abuse is upsetting. Not everyone is accustomed to people being brutally honest about their experiences with such dark subjects. Yet I talk openly about it for selfish and for others.  If I keep it inside and allow it to be a dirty secret than each of my abusers win. I will yell it from the hill tops if I have to. "I have been abused but I am not a victim! I am a survivor! I am worthy of Love and I am beautiful!!"

I will keep writing and screaming till I can get all the little girls and boys, both young and grown up now, to finally realize that abuse is NOT their fault!! I will be your voice, my dear friend...No matter how much pain and shame you feel please know that you are not a victim.You survived and you win every day that you live and every single time you smile!!

That is my reason for being on earth. Its something I take very seriously. I hope I can do it in the best, most empathetic and sensitive way.

Love to All, Stacy...