~Don't Give Up On Yourself~

Often I spend time looking out the window at people coming and going or I sit watching a TV show of people living normal lives and I think that I want to do that...I want to live again. If I had a car, I reason, I would go out more... If I had some extra money then I would finally be able to do the things I want with Jesse and the kids~Movies, the beach, shopping, traveling,etc...Or just going to a doctors appointment or other place I am supposed to go as a parent, person or Stacy. Then I realize, Stacy-you did have a car, you had enough money to go shopping or go to the movies or do whatever it is you are daydreaming about now yet you didn't do anything. You lacked the self esteem and braveness to walk out your own door.  Back in 2008 you ceased living and went into a coma. Mom's death, the realization that your 14 year marriage was dead and that the kids weren't forever going to need you...


Or maybe, I wonder, did I wake from the cocoon, the lie, where before Mom's death and Dad's memory stealing illness, I felt safe and secure in my life. Until the day my husband and I decided to split, I had control over my children's world-or some of it-then he met someone new and bam....I had no control over who they spent their days with and where they'd go. The reality that death is imminent and nothing in life is sure punched me in the face and put me into a coma that I wake from only for moments at a time to realize I am destined only to fall back away.


My voice inside tells me, You've been sleeping the day away so you don't have to deal with the reality of your sadness, you can't sleep at night for fear that the outside darkness will break in and take away the only real safeness you do feel. You are on watch to protect the kids, the house and whatever little shred of comfort you feel in your 4 walls. During the day you sleep and you get up only when you have to greet the kids as they come home from school. Then and only then do you do anything close to living. You make dinner, clean up, help out with homework, deal with the problems of two teenage kids...Then its back into the world of TV or movies to dream away the crappyness of life. That's not even a word...I just make em up when I need to. Its the luxury of living in my own world.


I don't want to be that person anymore, in the dark and coma struggling to open my eyes to the sun and waiting for someone to save me...I know only I can save me. I want to find a way out of this dark and depressing hole back to the place where I felt part of life and not a photographer of it. I want to bask in the sun, not hide from it.


I will...I will find a way back. Don't give up on me. And from inside I hear my own voice echoing back, Don't give up on yourself, Stacy <3

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