~Sometimes The End Is Just The Beginning~
To spite what I believed for so many years and through one failed relationship after another, it can be so easy to put someone out of your life after a break up...That is unless you two have kids together. Even though you no longer live together in the same house and there may be animosity and hurt between you, two people who have kids need to find a way passed their own emotions in order to co-parent. I thought it would be easy. After all, my ex and I were brought us similarly with many of the same house rules and values so what would change. I never even fathomed any part of parenting from different houses would be difficult...Until he met "her" and she got his claws in him. Whether he has let go of all of our shared promises out of anger for me leaving him (like our kids going to an out of area school and dealing with the work that comes along with it in order to give our kids a smaller and more safe education), or because its not what his girlfriend wants, my ex has suddenly become the kind of parent who wants to only do what is absolutely necessary to get by. I realize now that a lot of the decisions we made were my idea and he simply followed them because he was my husband and their father but now that he feels no need to amuse or respect me his ideals have either gone by the wayside or changed completely.
I didn't have much time on my own to "deal" with the end of our 15 year marriage. Either did he. While I fell in love with a long time friend, he suddenly and all at once moved in with a girl whose kids went to school with ours. To this day he claims they only knew each other to say hi, and I believe that if it matters, because I realize now that my ex was so afraid to be alone that jumping into a relationship and home of a girl who had 5 kids didn't faze him. I have tried so hard to make a relationship with him that would allow the kids to have a close bond with him. I also thought that us "adults" could be smart and put our own emotions aside for the good of our kids. While I admit that I have not been perfect at this notion, I have tried. I've only wished the best for him and tried to support him even when I saw him heading for a heartbreak. After all, who am I, the ex wife to be, to have a say in something having to do with his heart? Even though I've known him the longest and have only ever wanted the best for him he doesn't believe that. Oh, and yes, the heart wants what the heart wants as the saying goes. Too bad the heart can't be reasoned with. To spite what I've done to make his life easier from taking him into our own home when he was thrown out by his ex-girlfriend to asking the judge to be easy on him in regards to him paying child support, he has decided to allow his on again off again girlfriend the unyielding power to decide what he will say and how he will treat me. If she was trying to protect him or do anything out of pure love for him I would not say a word but it seems what she does is spurned by jealousy and hate. Otherwise why would she want him to be with her when it means his own son cannot visit? (Long story, but trust me, its a mess and no parent who planned a life where their kids could come visit weekly would stay with a person who will not or cannot allow their own child at the house they share.) I have not interfered in their relationship but have made the mistake of listening to him as he complains about her. Even the kids have had to hear it along with empty promises that he will NEVER allow another woman to get in between his relationship with them ever again. Even as they are broken up one day and together the next, he would rather play sides than give into what our co-parenting might do to his girlfriend. Of course if she really cared for him she would want to support our getting along for the kids sake but we aren't talking about love. At least by what he tells me. Still whatever his relationship status, Its no longer my hope to be able to have a friendship with him but instead my goal to maintain a co-parenting role so that I can move on.
I cannot fix other people and I refuse, unlike others, to control them. I realize now that the kids, who, I was doing all this hard work for, will be no worse for wear whether we are amicable or truly friends. Honestly, because I am no longer going to allow myself to be dragged into the soap opera that is his love life, I will be a less stressed and better Mom. I will NOT talk negatively about my Ex or his girlfriend(s), I will not allow my kids to engage me in any conversation where he may or may not be negative about me and I will simply be a Mom to my kids who needs on occasion to speak to and make decisions with him.
But my rules have changed. There will be no more long texts from him where he tries to cram in everything he needs to ask or tell me in under one text. If we cannot talk on the phone or face to face like two human beings then there is no need to talk. I will no longer go out of my way to include him in the happenings of our 2 kids...They are going on 13 and 15. If they want to invite him some where or let him know what's going on they are more than capable of doing it. Besides, he doesn't come to their birthday celebrations or anything else unless he is broken up with his girlfriend. Better to not get the kids hopes up... I won't call him when I am up to my eyeballs in stress from both or either of our kids. I have tried it both ways and have found that even when I have called him to discuss one of the kids outburst or talking back that he has been less than helpful. I have to go back to trusting my own judgment. I have gotten through 15 years of being a "single" Mom (yes he was around part of the time but not any of his attention or putting in anything helpful) so what would be new?
I will NOT try to make his parents better Grandparents. It is their choice whether to continue being absent from the world of 2 of the most wonderful people in the world. I have invited her to stop by as well as the opportunity for them to pick up the kids so they can spend time with them yet to no avail. I cannot change them. They have never been Grandparents who go out of their way to take part in their life anyway. They have expected us to bring the kids to their house and have put little to no energy into building a loving relationship. Christmas presents and swimming in their pool does not a Grandparent make. While they literally drive by our house 3 days a week to go to Bingo, it is NOT my problem to make stopping here more attractive. They have become angry with me because I let them down. I didn't stay with their son. I let his Mother over anyone down. She used to thank me for my part in her son's life and tell me how good I am for him. Sorry, Anne but I deserve to be happy. I invested 15 years into your son, giving up my independence, my safety, my voice and my self esteem to make your son happy. All I asked for in return was his love, attention and for him to be the best father he could be. He didn't try to do any of these things. Its my turn to find happiness.
I will no longer spend time, after this, trying to figure my Ex out. Somethings can't be understood. Some people are just screwed up. I know what I did to make him happy. I know how it ended, the truth of how he gave up minutes after we said "I do" and how when I finally looked inward after 15 long, miserable and lonely years, that all I found in myself was "Kevin's Wife", "Bailey and Tessa's Mother" yet barely found an ounce of self respect, love or freedom. I am done being his maid, his cook, the mother to his kids and everything he needed but nothing I needed to be a separate entity.Years of him forcing me to get and then quit jobs because being home with the kids was too much for him, dozens of missed opportunities to climb the ladder of my career because he expected me to make money but be home at a moments notice. I can't even count how many times he dropped the kids off to me at work so he could go fishing. While I know that the blame is on me too and that I should have fought back, I didn't. I thought love meant that I had to be what and who and where he needed me. I learned that from watching my Mother be that woman for so long.
I am taking back my independence. No, not out of anger or even regret but instead out of respect for myself. I am no longer going to apologize for not being perfect or beat myself up when I can't
make other people, namely my Ex, be who they should. I can NOT make him a good, responsible father. I've tried. When he finally leaves the clutches of this girlfriend he will sadly just find another woman to make him happy. He will again give up time and a home with his own kids if it means making another "girl" love and stay with him. I cannot fix that about him and to spite what I've been telling myself, even if I had stayed with him 5 more years he was never going to be the dad they deserve. He has always given his attention to the local fire department as a volunteer, to his job and to his TV watching. While I hope he will change for our kids sake I won't be relying on it. He's already come to our kids after he and his girlfriend broke up and promised them he'd put them first. He never even tried though and now he threatens to move far away if he can't make it work with this same woman. His feeling of emptiness without having a woman, any woman, by his side is his problem not mine. While it of course affects our kids I cannot make it better.
So I wonder, why did I ever meet him? What did I love about him that now I realize was never there at all? Yes, sometimes I have doubted my own choices especially when those choices brought on the disconnection of him from his kids. For a moment I questioned everything that was our end..and then he opened his mouth and showed me his true self again and I realized all at once that his love was not at all what I should have been fighting for these last 15 years of my short life. While he did very little good in my life he gave me 2 of the best people I know--our kids--and his true place in my life was to give me such doubt in the world so I would finally turn to myself and trust what and who I am.By being a selfish and abusive jerk he taught me that I deserve better than him.Truthfully, I cannot find myself anywhere in or near him. He is a shadow and I am looking for the sun....I am looking for my own independence and love of self. I would have never found it with him nor would I ever be able to be friends with a man who only knows and loves what a person can do for him. I am no longer relevant to him. I am only the mother of his children after all. But if I was in his bed or cooking his dinner---presto--I would be amazing again. I'd rather be alone than be with him EVER again.
I have alot of work to do to get the old me back. I have to find a way to suppress this strong voice inside that tells me there will never be a way to work or to be a social person again. The voice resembles my Ex. I don't have to put up with it anymore. While I honestly tried to make our marriage work, while I did therapy and walked on egg shells so as not to see or feel his anger, I have been doing everything wrong. I have a right to my opinion, to my voice and to a life I want. I don't understand how a man who supposedly loved me for almost 2 decades could so easily trade me in for "her" especially when its evident that she doesn't care about his happiness or about our kids. I don't get how he can complain to me daily that she puts herself first, her kids 2nd and him and his kids last and yet continue to put her first. But that's where the most wonderful and freeing realization comes to my mind---I don't have to figure it out. I don't have to care! My time and energy no longer has to be put into a selfish man who thinks the world and everyone in it should revolve around him. I have met a man who treats me like every breath he takes is to love me. I am surrendering, finally, to him...I am giving my trust to his love. To spite every man before him showing me that I should hide under a rock, I am not going to let them win. And if tomorrow he too goes away, then I will have me. And I am really the only one I can truly count on. Time to start believing in that woman!
I didn't have much time on my own to "deal" with the end of our 15 year marriage. Either did he. While I fell in love with a long time friend, he suddenly and all at once moved in with a girl whose kids went to school with ours. To this day he claims they only knew each other to say hi, and I believe that if it matters, because I realize now that my ex was so afraid to be alone that jumping into a relationship and home of a girl who had 5 kids didn't faze him. I have tried so hard to make a relationship with him that would allow the kids to have a close bond with him. I also thought that us "adults" could be smart and put our own emotions aside for the good of our kids. While I admit that I have not been perfect at this notion, I have tried. I've only wished the best for him and tried to support him even when I saw him heading for a heartbreak. After all, who am I, the ex wife to be, to have a say in something having to do with his heart? Even though I've known him the longest and have only ever wanted the best for him he doesn't believe that. Oh, and yes, the heart wants what the heart wants as the saying goes. Too bad the heart can't be reasoned with. To spite what I've done to make his life easier from taking him into our own home when he was thrown out by his ex-girlfriend to asking the judge to be easy on him in regards to him paying child support, he has decided to allow his on again off again girlfriend the unyielding power to decide what he will say and how he will treat me. If she was trying to protect him or do anything out of pure love for him I would not say a word but it seems what she does is spurned by jealousy and hate. Otherwise why would she want him to be with her when it means his own son cannot visit? (Long story, but trust me, its a mess and no parent who planned a life where their kids could come visit weekly would stay with a person who will not or cannot allow their own child at the house they share.) I have not interfered in their relationship but have made the mistake of listening to him as he complains about her. Even the kids have had to hear it along with empty promises that he will NEVER allow another woman to get in between his relationship with them ever again. Even as they are broken up one day and together the next, he would rather play sides than give into what our co-parenting might do to his girlfriend. Of course if she really cared for him she would want to support our getting along for the kids sake but we aren't talking about love. At least by what he tells me. Still whatever his relationship status, Its no longer my hope to be able to have a friendship with him but instead my goal to maintain a co-parenting role so that I can move on.
I cannot fix other people and I refuse, unlike others, to control them. I realize now that the kids, who, I was doing all this hard work for, will be no worse for wear whether we are amicable or truly friends. Honestly, because I am no longer going to allow myself to be dragged into the soap opera that is his love life, I will be a less stressed and better Mom. I will NOT talk negatively about my Ex or his girlfriend(s), I will not allow my kids to engage me in any conversation where he may or may not be negative about me and I will simply be a Mom to my kids who needs on occasion to speak to and make decisions with him.
But my rules have changed. There will be no more long texts from him where he tries to cram in everything he needs to ask or tell me in under one text. If we cannot talk on the phone or face to face like two human beings then there is no need to talk. I will no longer go out of my way to include him in the happenings of our 2 kids...They are going on 13 and 15. If they want to invite him some where or let him know what's going on they are more than capable of doing it. Besides, he doesn't come to their birthday celebrations or anything else unless he is broken up with his girlfriend. Better to not get the kids hopes up... I won't call him when I am up to my eyeballs in stress from both or either of our kids. I have tried it both ways and have found that even when I have called him to discuss one of the kids outburst or talking back that he has been less than helpful. I have to go back to trusting my own judgment. I have gotten through 15 years of being a "single" Mom (yes he was around part of the time but not any of his attention or putting in anything helpful) so what would be new?
I will NOT try to make his parents better Grandparents. It is their choice whether to continue being absent from the world of 2 of the most wonderful people in the world. I have invited her to stop by as well as the opportunity for them to pick up the kids so they can spend time with them yet to no avail. I cannot change them. They have never been Grandparents who go out of their way to take part in their life anyway. They have expected us to bring the kids to their house and have put little to no energy into building a loving relationship. Christmas presents and swimming in their pool does not a Grandparent make. While they literally drive by our house 3 days a week to go to Bingo, it is NOT my problem to make stopping here more attractive. They have become angry with me because I let them down. I didn't stay with their son. I let his Mother over anyone down. She used to thank me for my part in her son's life and tell me how good I am for him. Sorry, Anne but I deserve to be happy. I invested 15 years into your son, giving up my independence, my safety, my voice and my self esteem to make your son happy. All I asked for in return was his love, attention and for him to be the best father he could be. He didn't try to do any of these things. Its my turn to find happiness.
I will no longer spend time, after this, trying to figure my Ex out. Somethings can't be understood. Some people are just screwed up. I know what I did to make him happy. I know how it ended, the truth of how he gave up minutes after we said "I do" and how when I finally looked inward after 15 long, miserable and lonely years, that all I found in myself was "Kevin's Wife", "Bailey and Tessa's Mother" yet barely found an ounce of self respect, love or freedom. I am done being his maid, his cook, the mother to his kids and everything he needed but nothing I needed to be a separate entity.Years of him forcing me to get and then quit jobs because being home with the kids was too much for him, dozens of missed opportunities to climb the ladder of my career because he expected me to make money but be home at a moments notice. I can't even count how many times he dropped the kids off to me at work so he could go fishing. While I know that the blame is on me too and that I should have fought back, I didn't. I thought love meant that I had to be what and who and where he needed me. I learned that from watching my Mother be that woman for so long.
I am taking back my independence. No, not out of anger or even regret but instead out of respect for myself. I am no longer going to apologize for not being perfect or beat myself up when I can't
make other people, namely my Ex, be who they should. I can NOT make him a good, responsible father. I've tried. When he finally leaves the clutches of this girlfriend he will sadly just find another woman to make him happy. He will again give up time and a home with his own kids if it means making another "girl" love and stay with him. I cannot fix that about him and to spite what I've been telling myself, even if I had stayed with him 5 more years he was never going to be the dad they deserve. He has always given his attention to the local fire department as a volunteer, to his job and to his TV watching. While I hope he will change for our kids sake I won't be relying on it. He's already come to our kids after he and his girlfriend broke up and promised them he'd put them first. He never even tried though and now he threatens to move far away if he can't make it work with this same woman. His feeling of emptiness without having a woman, any woman, by his side is his problem not mine. While it of course affects our kids I cannot make it better.
So I wonder, why did I ever meet him? What did I love about him that now I realize was never there at all? Yes, sometimes I have doubted my own choices especially when those choices brought on the disconnection of him from his kids. For a moment I questioned everything that was our end..and then he opened his mouth and showed me his true self again and I realized all at once that his love was not at all what I should have been fighting for these last 15 years of my short life. While he did very little good in my life he gave me 2 of the best people I know--our kids--and his true place in my life was to give me such doubt in the world so I would finally turn to myself and trust what and who I am.By being a selfish and abusive jerk he taught me that I deserve better than him.Truthfully, I cannot find myself anywhere in or near him. He is a shadow and I am looking for the sun....I am looking for my own independence and love of self. I would have never found it with him nor would I ever be able to be friends with a man who only knows and loves what a person can do for him. I am no longer relevant to him. I am only the mother of his children after all. But if I was in his bed or cooking his dinner---presto--I would be amazing again. I'd rather be alone than be with him EVER again.
I have alot of work to do to get the old me back. I have to find a way to suppress this strong voice inside that tells me there will never be a way to work or to be a social person again. The voice resembles my Ex. I don't have to put up with it anymore. While I honestly tried to make our marriage work, while I did therapy and walked on egg shells so as not to see or feel his anger, I have been doing everything wrong. I have a right to my opinion, to my voice and to a life I want. I don't understand how a man who supposedly loved me for almost 2 decades could so easily trade me in for "her" especially when its evident that she doesn't care about his happiness or about our kids. I don't get how he can complain to me daily that she puts herself first, her kids 2nd and him and his kids last and yet continue to put her first. But that's where the most wonderful and freeing realization comes to my mind---I don't have to figure it out. I don't have to care! My time and energy no longer has to be put into a selfish man who thinks the world and everyone in it should revolve around him. I have met a man who treats me like every breath he takes is to love me. I am surrendering, finally, to him...I am giving my trust to his love. To spite every man before him showing me that I should hide under a rock, I am not going to let them win. And if tomorrow he too goes away, then I will have me. And I am really the only one I can truly count on. Time to start believing in that woman!
This hauntingly reminds me of my parents break up. It sound so familiar. The difference being, my dad didn't want anything to do with his family, including his kids. He got out of paying alimony, so my mom had to tow the line, as it were. She was already working at the bank, so there was no problem with finances. She only had a problem trying to raise three kids. She did the best she could and she was successful at it. While my father became nomadic, keep moving from place to place all over the country, being less successful. Even thou my siblings and I tried to establish a rapport with our father, he was never really into being a father figure. So yes, you're not the only one to experience this upsetting life style. Yes you will get through it and even better than you could possibly think. Take it from me, having lived through it as a kid, you will survive, and be fantastic! It won't be easy, but the good things never are, and in the end it will be worth it. Keep smiling my friend!
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