~Letter To Mom~

Of all the thoughtful and wise things you have told me over the years as my Mom,  one thing in particular has helped to carry me through some of the toughest emotional challenges over the past few years. One day you and I were having a discussion about my boyfriend at the time. I was worrying that he didn't seem to understand that I needed more emotional response from him; He would constantly break up with me but then expect me to get back together with him a few days later. He didn't understand why our yo-yo relationship was messing with my self esteem and heart..To me it was simple, if he loved me he would not break up with me over small disagreements~ He would stay and make it work.  You didn't know or understand his problem anymore that I did...If you had I know you would have tried to make me understand him but I think you knew that we were destined to break up. You did me a bigger favor by letting me learn my own lessons. Looking back I realize that the problem was his and not something that anyone could ever make sense of or fix. Still, at that moment you said something to me that I have grown to appreciate more and more over time. You told me in that soothing and beautiful voice of yours "You cannot make other people treat or love you the way you want them to or even in a way that to you seems practical. If you could change them they wouldn't be who you fell in love with. What you need to know is that sometimes the love a person gives, while you may not feel like its as much as they have inside, is most likely the most they can give."


No, at first I didn't understand what you meant. How hard could it be to give back love that was comparable to the love I was giving him so easily?  I decided that if he really truly loved me he would just decide to be that man who loves me the way I want him to. We didn't stay together and while he was my first love and a good memory for me, he did leave me with a sort of negative expectation.When I get into a disagreement with my boyfriend I automatically assume we will break up. Its taking me time to realize that just because he was like that it doesn't mean all men are like that.Still,  It took me years of meeting and having different relationships-both through friendships and romantic lovers- to see that  love is not a one dimensional, one size fits all thing. Every relationship is different and with each relationship there are different expectations, hopes, moods and also, very importantly, personalities. There are also amounts of baggage we each go into a relationship with. While the man I am with now has absolutely no problem expressing his love for me,this man I speak of and the man I married had huge problems showing his emotions.  Does my boyfriend love me more than the man I was married to and had 2 children with? This is just what you taught me...No, You cannot measure love. It is or it isn't real love but there is no way to line them up to see whose love is more meaningful and will last longer....


The 2nd part of your lesson I had to find out on my own..I'm pretty sure you intended for me to figure it out alone because it meant more that way. While I cannot measure love and I don't have any control over what a man gives me emotionally, I can walk away if its not enough. I can decide if I am happy and if I am getting what I deserve in a relationship.  If what the man I love is giving me does not make me feel safe and loved then why waste his time and mine? When one has given and loved with all their might yet they feel that there love is not being returned it is then that one has to decide if they are happy with what they have or not. No one should settle. If one feels like they are not getting the respect and love that they deserve then its time to move on. It doesn't mean that that person didn't love you but one has to feel content.


And that is what you were trying to teach me~ that love and relationships cannot be measured and that what may seem so easy for one person to give doesn't always come as easily to another. Yet the intention is the important thing. Like the saying that its not the gift but instead the thought that counts. That is love....Expectations will ruin everything that is Love.


I miss you so much Mom yet when I can reminisce about our talks and still find that your lessons are with me, then you, too, are with me. I love you.

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