~If There's A Way~
On May 11, 2012
The phrases "God works in mysterious ways" and "God never gives you more than you can handle" have been swirling around in my head for awhile. Since my car was totaled about a month ago I've had to ask friends, and sometimes strangers, for help. Since its happened you wouldn't believe the people who have been helping. My ex-fiance, Bill, who I was engaged to back at the age of 18 who is now married to a wonderful and sweet woman, has been giving my boyfriend car rides from work on and off for a month. On the days Bill and his wife aren't doing it my Dad's new wife, Michelle has been picking Jesse up. The kids. who I have going to school some 30 miles away through school choice, have been picked up every morning by their father to get to the bus stop (which happens to be on his way to work) and my son's best friend's parents have been bringing my kids home every day after school. Now my daughter has been given a part in a school play so she wants to stay after school as late as 4 or 5. Ann and her husband have been so sweet and have had her take the bus to her house and then dropped her here all hours of the day.
I cannot say thank you enough. My appreciation is huge but I don't know what to do to pay everyone back. I am not comfortable asking for help. Who is?
My car was older. My husband and I refinanced it back a few years ago when he lost his job in order to lower the payments so we wouldn't lose it. That is why the insurance company paid us out nothing. Here we paid for that car for over 7 years yet the bank had to tap into the gap insurance just to pay it off when it was totaled. Therefore of course I was given no money to buy another car...There was no money in the car. That is why a month later we are still struggling to get a car. To spite working and our income being there, my credit from the divorce is not up to par with what will help me get a car. It will happen. Eventually. We are doing what we can to get a better down payment so we can make the bank work with us.
But in the meantime my dad and his new wife came to us one day with an offer. They offered to give us the SUV they have if we take over the payments. Yet it could only work out if they could find their own new vehicle. When they told me of their plan I literally had to hold myself up.See, since my Mom died a few years ago and my marriage ended, I have been seriously questioning whether there is anyone left in my life that really, truly without a doubt loves me...No matter what. I started to cry and felt my heart beat so fast as they explained to us their car plan. To be honest for a few moments I almost wondered if it was the reason why all these strange and negative things were happening that kept our car deals from going through- I mean, it seemed like each time we were about to make a deal with a car company something would happen to keep us from signing the contract. Plus, the SUV they were offering is not only the same car that my Mother died in (which that whole fact has me wanting it more at some points and at others makes me want it less. Overall though I feel a connection to that SUV because Mom drove it and it was the last place I saw her alive.).Also, this is the car that my father had offered me back a few years ago. He had just been told by his doctor that he was no longer allowed to drive because of his the affect his many strokes had on his memory and gross motor skills so he wanted me to take over the payments and therefore, the car too. I had my own car (yes, the very one that was JUST totaled) but realized it a good thing to buy the bigger SUV because my father could no longer afford it and my family was growing out of my little car. So we took it, started making payments, paying the excise,etc. But a month or two later Dad decided he wanted it back. His girlfriend, (His wife now) was going to use it to drive him around to appointments. Sure, I was let down, and my wallet was lighter for the few payments we did make. Yet I knew that Dad's girlfriend would need it if they were to be together. I had offered to bring him to his appointments from the first time he got sick but she would be able to do it all easier so the car went back to them.
So, here we are years later and they are offering this same SUV back to me. It felt like it was meant to be~~that maybe God indeed did have a plan for me and that was why a friend who offered me help with a down payment on another car had to take her money back and why a car we were signing for fell through for a silly glitch. I even remembering that I had said to Jesse one day after they mentioned the offer that maybe it was some kind of pay back for the fact that Jesse has been lending his own truck to his daughter while he has been here with me over the past almost year.
But then that plan fell through to. They didn't find a new car that they liked. So without a new car for them, they can't offer us theirs. They did however offer to help in other ways. I appreciated it. I understand. I am certainly not mad because, My God, look what they were trying to do for us!! I mean, who could ask for such sweet, thoughtful family members???It always felt too good to be true anyway for me to take over their low payments and to acquire the SUV that I had an emotional attachment to. .. What they tried to do for us made me realize how much I am loved and how lucky I truly am to have my Father. It wasn't anything but bad luck that got in our way.....again.
So, here we are. We are making small bits of headway getting our other bills caught up (since I was in the hospital and Jesse was hit that day by that unlicensed driver we lost income.) Once we catch up on those bills we can make an effort to come up with the down payment so the car company will work with us. I guess God wants me to learn another valuable lesson....That I can do this on my own. Yet I am not doing it on my own at all, Am I? Every single day I have to rely on 4 other people to make my life work. 2 people to get Jesse (Our local bus company doesn't have a bus that runs after 4 when he gets out of work), 2 people to get my kids to and from their bus stop (I cannot change them to a local school now with the year being almost over) and then other people when I need to get groceries, go to doctors appointments, etc. I want to be able to pay them all back by finally getting my own transportation and then doing something very special for them. Gas money just isn't enough. I need to be patient, I know. I am trying. I am also trying to fight this agoraphobia and its winning when I can't leave the house for weeks at a time. Yes, today I am having a negative day but I will get through this. There just has to be away!
On May 15, 2012
I was watching the Ellen show on CBS when they showed her giving a new car away to a viewer! I couldn't believe it. I thought to myself "Why can't that be us? What is wrong with or different about us that we can't be the ones getting help with a new car?" I took a big breath, got out my lap top and wrote a letter to Ellen. I explained our story in 1500 words (MY GOD, was that difficult! I could have written triple that and still not explained even part of our life!) I am keeping my fingers crossed. Many people are telling me to forget it...That no one like me will get a dream like a free car...There is a loud, familiar and negative voice in my head that is telling me to listen to those people...It hovers over the great big hole in my heart that has been dug open every time someone hurts me or my kids and every time I've tried to believe in something only to be let down. Still, what's the harm in hoping? I have 2 of the most beautiful, loving, sweet and giving kids in the world. They deserve a Mom who gets out of her own way, fighting this anxiety and who brings them to museums, water parks, swimming and to other great places! They have waited long enough and endured my fear of being hurt. So I refuse to be negative. What is life without hope? It's like spending the day indoors or under an umbrella just because the sun is stuck behind big, fat clouds. Sure, the rain is threatning to fall..and it probably will, but the sun will shine too.Without hope, the rain and the sudden appearance of the sun cannot create those gorgeous rainbows. I've taken all the rain life has given me-I've been down, sure, but I've gotten up and pushed on. Me and my kids deserve a break...Maybe not a totally free car but enough of a break at least to get an affordable car that is dependable...(Like the one I was already paying for and driving so carefully). I refuse to let all the crap in life take the hope out of me. Maybe Ellen and her team WILL find my e-mail and maybe they will find me and my kids deserving of one of her free giveaways!! She is going to give a car to a lot of people....Why can't it be us? I dare to dream! I want to hope and to finally be happy dancing in the rain.
The phrases "God works in mysterious ways" and "God never gives you more than you can handle" have been swirling around in my head for awhile. Since my car was totaled about a month ago I've had to ask friends, and sometimes strangers, for help. Since its happened you wouldn't believe the people who have been helping. My ex-fiance, Bill, who I was engaged to back at the age of 18 who is now married to a wonderful and sweet woman, has been giving my boyfriend car rides from work on and off for a month. On the days Bill and his wife aren't doing it my Dad's new wife, Michelle has been picking Jesse up. The kids. who I have going to school some 30 miles away through school choice, have been picked up every morning by their father to get to the bus stop (which happens to be on his way to work) and my son's best friend's parents have been bringing my kids home every day after school. Now my daughter has been given a part in a school play so she wants to stay after school as late as 4 or 5. Ann and her husband have been so sweet and have had her take the bus to her house and then dropped her here all hours of the day.
I cannot say thank you enough. My appreciation is huge but I don't know what to do to pay everyone back. I am not comfortable asking for help. Who is?
My car was older. My husband and I refinanced it back a few years ago when he lost his job in order to lower the payments so we wouldn't lose it. That is why the insurance company paid us out nothing. Here we paid for that car for over 7 years yet the bank had to tap into the gap insurance just to pay it off when it was totaled. Therefore of course I was given no money to buy another car...There was no money in the car. That is why a month later we are still struggling to get a car. To spite working and our income being there, my credit from the divorce is not up to par with what will help me get a car. It will happen. Eventually. We are doing what we can to get a better down payment so we can make the bank work with us.
But in the meantime my dad and his new wife came to us one day with an offer. They offered to give us the SUV they have if we take over the payments. Yet it could only work out if they could find their own new vehicle. When they told me of their plan I literally had to hold myself up.See, since my Mom died a few years ago and my marriage ended, I have been seriously questioning whether there is anyone left in my life that really, truly without a doubt loves me...No matter what. I started to cry and felt my heart beat so fast as they explained to us their car plan. To be honest for a few moments I almost wondered if it was the reason why all these strange and negative things were happening that kept our car deals from going through- I mean, it seemed like each time we were about to make a deal with a car company something would happen to keep us from signing the contract. Plus, the SUV they were offering is not only the same car that my Mother died in (which that whole fact has me wanting it more at some points and at others makes me want it less. Overall though I feel a connection to that SUV because Mom drove it and it was the last place I saw her alive.).Also, this is the car that my father had offered me back a few years ago. He had just been told by his doctor that he was no longer allowed to drive because of his the affect his many strokes had on his memory and gross motor skills so he wanted me to take over the payments and therefore, the car too. I had my own car (yes, the very one that was JUST totaled) but realized it a good thing to buy the bigger SUV because my father could no longer afford it and my family was growing out of my little car. So we took it, started making payments, paying the excise,etc. But a month or two later Dad decided he wanted it back. His girlfriend, (His wife now) was going to use it to drive him around to appointments. Sure, I was let down, and my wallet was lighter for the few payments we did make. Yet I knew that Dad's girlfriend would need it if they were to be together. I had offered to bring him to his appointments from the first time he got sick but she would be able to do it all easier so the car went back to them.
So, here we are years later and they are offering this same SUV back to me. It felt like it was meant to be~~that maybe God indeed did have a plan for me and that was why a friend who offered me help with a down payment on another car had to take her money back and why a car we were signing for fell through for a silly glitch. I even remembering that I had said to Jesse one day after they mentioned the offer that maybe it was some kind of pay back for the fact that Jesse has been lending his own truck to his daughter while he has been here with me over the past almost year.
But then that plan fell through to. They didn't find a new car that they liked. So without a new car for them, they can't offer us theirs. They did however offer to help in other ways. I appreciated it. I understand. I am certainly not mad because, My God, look what they were trying to do for us!! I mean, who could ask for such sweet, thoughtful family members???It always felt too good to be true anyway for me to take over their low payments and to acquire the SUV that I had an emotional attachment to. .. What they tried to do for us made me realize how much I am loved and how lucky I truly am to have my Father. It wasn't anything but bad luck that got in our way.....again.
So, here we are. We are making small bits of headway getting our other bills caught up (since I was in the hospital and Jesse was hit that day by that unlicensed driver we lost income.) Once we catch up on those bills we can make an effort to come up with the down payment so the car company will work with us. I guess God wants me to learn another valuable lesson....That I can do this on my own. Yet I am not doing it on my own at all, Am I? Every single day I have to rely on 4 other people to make my life work. 2 people to get Jesse (Our local bus company doesn't have a bus that runs after 4 when he gets out of work), 2 people to get my kids to and from their bus stop (I cannot change them to a local school now with the year being almost over) and then other people when I need to get groceries, go to doctors appointments, etc. I want to be able to pay them all back by finally getting my own transportation and then doing something very special for them. Gas money just isn't enough. I need to be patient, I know. I am trying. I am also trying to fight this agoraphobia and its winning when I can't leave the house for weeks at a time. Yes, today I am having a negative day but I will get through this. There just has to be away!
On May 15, 2012
I was watching the Ellen show on CBS when they showed her giving a new car away to a viewer! I couldn't believe it. I thought to myself "Why can't that be us? What is wrong with or different about us that we can't be the ones getting help with a new car?" I took a big breath, got out my lap top and wrote a letter to Ellen. I explained our story in 1500 words (MY GOD, was that difficult! I could have written triple that and still not explained even part of our life!) I am keeping my fingers crossed. Many people are telling me to forget it...That no one like me will get a dream like a free car...There is a loud, familiar and negative voice in my head that is telling me to listen to those people...It hovers over the great big hole in my heart that has been dug open every time someone hurts me or my kids and every time I've tried to believe in something only to be let down. Still, what's the harm in hoping? I have 2 of the most beautiful, loving, sweet and giving kids in the world. They deserve a Mom who gets out of her own way, fighting this anxiety and who brings them to museums, water parks, swimming and to other great places! They have waited long enough and endured my fear of being hurt. So I refuse to be negative. What is life without hope? It's like spending the day indoors or under an umbrella just because the sun is stuck behind big, fat clouds. Sure, the rain is threatning to fall..and it probably will, but the sun will shine too.Without hope, the rain and the sudden appearance of the sun cannot create those gorgeous rainbows. I've taken all the rain life has given me-I've been down, sure, but I've gotten up and pushed on. Me and my kids deserve a break...Maybe not a totally free car but enough of a break at least to get an affordable car that is dependable...(Like the one I was already paying for and driving so carefully). I refuse to let all the crap in life take the hope out of me. Maybe Ellen and her team WILL find my e-mail and maybe they will find me and my kids deserving of one of her free giveaways!! She is going to give a car to a lot of people....Why can't it be us? I dare to dream! I want to hope and to finally be happy dancing in the rain.
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