For a very long time now I have dealt with anxiety. Not only has it been an affliction that has caused me to doubt myself and my own judgment, but it has affected pretty much every aspect of my life from the way I plan my day to the overprotective way I parent. To say that my anxiety is controlling my life is an understatement yet that is not why I came here to write this time. I actually had 2 things that happened today...break throughs I will call them.
While talking to a family member who deals with anxiety too I learned that many of the things I do in my day to day life are normal for someone dealing with this. I was embarrassed to admit that I put off such important things like getting and taking my medications and visiting my doctor. Also, we compared notes and were both relieved to learn that we procrastinate about other similar things. It felt good to know that I am not alone in the lengths I will go in order to keep my brain from going into a panic mode. Isn't it so much easier in this mess of a life to know that we are not alone?
The 2nd thing that happened today truly put my disease in perspective. A friend from high school wrote a post about the affect of going off and then retaking his anxiety medication. I asked him how he liked his particular brand of medication. As we went back and forth he made a point to tell me not to allow other people to minimize my problem. Another person came back with a comment later that supported his statement telling me that I need to make my needs known to my doctor. I need to ask questions when my doctor prescribes a medication over another or if he thinks a certain medication won't work and why.She gave me advice that I should not suffer unnessarily and that my condition should be taken as seriously as if I had high blood pressure or diabetes. A light went on and I realized that I have been my worse enemy when its come to my anxiety. I have sat here day after day allowing people to take me down at the knees by dismissing what is real to me. I've made excuses to so many people for my symptoms even spending way too much time and too many words on and in this blog so that my readers will understand my problem. Sure, its important to some degree that I at least explain what my condition is and what occurs when I become anxiety-ridden but only to inform my readers, not to make reasons so they will believe me.
It seems I have spent my entire life looking for validation and understanding. Isn't it time....No, wait, let me rephrase! ~ IT IS TIME that I stop putting on a show for everyone else; that I stop trying to give everyone the footnotes of my actions and reactions and my mind and life. I deserve to simply do and be who I am. No, I don't believe I am above apologizing if I hurt someone or if I do something wrong but I don't feel that I need to be sorry for what I am dealing with and how I am reacting to a very bad and difficult time in my life. Right now I am someone that is struggling with anxiety and if that means that I cannot have visitors who stop in without notice or that I can't go somewhere simply to appease someone else that for me will cause only feelings of anxiety then that is what it has to be. If I needed insulin for my diabetes would I stand there and ask permission to take it? No. I would do what I needed to do to get healthy. And if one of my symptoms is that I need to have a kind of plan to exist peacefully or that I have to do things a certain way and in a certain order in order to cope then that is okay. Would someone with a broken leg apologize for needing crutches? In a way I can already hear what you, my reader, will say- "But you should not give into your illness. You should talk to your fears and fight them and not make the plans. It's all in your head. You should simply allow the visitors and go outside your home when its needed and don't look back." That is all so true but its so much easier said than done. If it was simple as all that then would anyone be sick? Of course not.
Anxiety is all in my head. Just like any part of our body that is not working properly, my head needs time, therapy and maybe medication. Having my "friends" and family mad at me because I don't live up to their expectations is NOT helping me get better. It's expectations like those that are keeping me fearful. Sure, 20 years ago I was acting in plays and I was a spotlight hogger. 10 years ago I loved to bring the kids out to the park or go to the bar every now and then and sing Karaoke with friends. I am not that person anymore. She is inside me but she is being held back by fears that are bigger and in more control than me. I'd rather be at home on my own now. If the phone rings or someone comes to the door (either expectantly or not) my mind goes into panic mode. If you don't like it or don't understand it that is NOT my problem. Ir is yours. While I am more than happy to educate my readers and my friends about my condition, (and hopefully help someone like me to not feel so alone in the world) I will no longer waste my time explaining why I am this way or giving other people reasons that suit them.
If I spend my time doing that then I am not spending time working on me.
I want to thank those 3 people today who took the time to really talk to me and not at me. It was such a huge relief as well as an eye-opening talk because I learned that I am not a damn animal in a zoo for people to gaze upon and make a joke about. I am a human being whose experiences have jarred and worn me into a place where I need patience and to be surrounded by positive, understanding friends and not an audience who has no right to judge*And No, not enablers either who make it easy for me to stay sick. There is a difference.* I would not judge you if you sprained your ankle or had high blood pressure. I would not look down on you for needing physical therapy after a bone broke or if your body required medication to kill an infection. Why should I allow you the right to judge me? I cannot stop people from being ignorant or small minded BUT I can stop allowing those people to have any voice or negative influence in my life..
Tomorrow I will follow up the e-mail that tonight I sent to my primary doctor. After the post and the comments from the friends I spoke of above I asked him what he thought about putting me back on a depression and anxiety medication. New ones, I hope. I will continue to push myself to go out of the house and look into a therapist so I can have a professional to help me put my fears into check. I will surround myself with people who are my friends- People who,while they are not perfect, do not judge me for my imperfections. I will work on getting back to a place where leaving my house and having friends visit my home is again a joyous event. I will no longer give reasons to people who don't matter why I do this or why I don't do that. I will get healthy again and it starts with gaining my self esteem back.
Stacy J Roosa
While talking to a family member who deals with anxiety too I learned that many of the things I do in my day to day life are normal for someone dealing with this. I was embarrassed to admit that I put off such important things like getting and taking my medications and visiting my doctor. Also, we compared notes and were both relieved to learn that we procrastinate about other similar things. It felt good to know that I am not alone in the lengths I will go in order to keep my brain from going into a panic mode. Isn't it so much easier in this mess of a life to know that we are not alone?
The 2nd thing that happened today truly put my disease in perspective. A friend from high school wrote a post about the affect of going off and then retaking his anxiety medication. I asked him how he liked his particular brand of medication. As we went back and forth he made a point to tell me not to allow other people to minimize my problem. Another person came back with a comment later that supported his statement telling me that I need to make my needs known to my doctor. I need to ask questions when my doctor prescribes a medication over another or if he thinks a certain medication won't work and why.She gave me advice that I should not suffer unnessarily and that my condition should be taken as seriously as if I had high blood pressure or diabetes. A light went on and I realized that I have been my worse enemy when its come to my anxiety. I have sat here day after day allowing people to take me down at the knees by dismissing what is real to me. I've made excuses to so many people for my symptoms even spending way too much time and too many words on and in this blog so that my readers will understand my problem. Sure, its important to some degree that I at least explain what my condition is and what occurs when I become anxiety-ridden but only to inform my readers, not to make reasons so they will believe me.
It seems I have spent my entire life looking for validation and understanding. Isn't it time....No, wait, let me rephrase! ~ IT IS TIME that I stop putting on a show for everyone else; that I stop trying to give everyone the footnotes of my actions and reactions and my mind and life. I deserve to simply do and be who I am. No, I don't believe I am above apologizing if I hurt someone or if I do something wrong but I don't feel that I need to be sorry for what I am dealing with and how I am reacting to a very bad and difficult time in my life. Right now I am someone that is struggling with anxiety and if that means that I cannot have visitors who stop in without notice or that I can't go somewhere simply to appease someone else that for me will cause only feelings of anxiety then that is what it has to be. If I needed insulin for my diabetes would I stand there and ask permission to take it? No. I would do what I needed to do to get healthy. And if one of my symptoms is that I need to have a kind of plan to exist peacefully or that I have to do things a certain way and in a certain order in order to cope then that is okay. Would someone with a broken leg apologize for needing crutches? In a way I can already hear what you, my reader, will say- "But you should not give into your illness. You should talk to your fears and fight them and not make the plans. It's all in your head. You should simply allow the visitors and go outside your home when its needed and don't look back." That is all so true but its so much easier said than done. If it was simple as all that then would anyone be sick? Of course not.
Anxiety is all in my head. Just like any part of our body that is not working properly, my head needs time, therapy and maybe medication. Having my "friends" and family mad at me because I don't live up to their expectations is NOT helping me get better. It's expectations like those that are keeping me fearful. Sure, 20 years ago I was acting in plays and I was a spotlight hogger. 10 years ago I loved to bring the kids out to the park or go to the bar every now and then and sing Karaoke with friends. I am not that person anymore. She is inside me but she is being held back by fears that are bigger and in more control than me. I'd rather be at home on my own now. If the phone rings or someone comes to the door (either expectantly or not) my mind goes into panic mode. If you don't like it or don't understand it that is NOT my problem. Ir is yours. While I am more than happy to educate my readers and my friends about my condition, (and hopefully help someone like me to not feel so alone in the world) I will no longer waste my time explaining why I am this way or giving other people reasons that suit them.
If I spend my time doing that then I am not spending time working on me.
I want to thank those 3 people today who took the time to really talk to me and not at me. It was such a huge relief as well as an eye-opening talk because I learned that I am not a damn animal in a zoo for people to gaze upon and make a joke about. I am a human being whose experiences have jarred and worn me into a place where I need patience and to be surrounded by positive, understanding friends and not an audience who has no right to judge*And No, not enablers either who make it easy for me to stay sick. There is a difference.* I would not judge you if you sprained your ankle or had high blood pressure. I would not look down on you for needing physical therapy after a bone broke or if your body required medication to kill an infection. Why should I allow you the right to judge me? I cannot stop people from being ignorant or small minded BUT I can stop allowing those people to have any voice or negative influence in my life..
Tomorrow I will follow up the e-mail that tonight I sent to my primary doctor. After the post and the comments from the friends I spoke of above I asked him what he thought about putting me back on a depression and anxiety medication. New ones, I hope. I will continue to push myself to go out of the house and look into a therapist so I can have a professional to help me put my fears into check. I will surround myself with people who are my friends- People who,while they are not perfect, do not judge me for my imperfections. I will work on getting back to a place where leaving my house and having friends visit my home is again a joyous event. I will no longer give reasons to people who don't matter why I do this or why I don't do that. I will get healthy again and it starts with gaining my self esteem back.
Stacy J Roosa
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