Karma's Little Twist
Since a few years ago I have been in a very deep emotional sleep...I don't tend to feel very up or down. Often when I am happy I find myself pulling back so I don't get too excited and when I get sad I don't feel all the emotions that I used to. It's often very frustrating, like being on the verge of jumping into a pool but pulling back just as the time to give into the fall pulls. Honestly, I miss feeling those highs and lows because without them I feel like I am in a limbo-like state.
When I finally took steps to leave my husband...or should I say, when I finally stopped pretending everything was OK and my actions brought on the steps to end us, it was as if I was planning for a simple break...A vacations of sorts. I didn't let myself truly calculate the cost of leaving him. Of course I knew that we would no longer be together but until it happened I didn't get how it would affect us but more importantly the kids. It's funny how suddenly you start to separate everything from furniture to friends. No longer is your Mother in law that woman who comes running out to hug you but now she barely looks at you. It's true that no one can really understand the consequences especially since divorce is new to me. I took it for granted that we other people would also have to endure so many emotions. His parents, our kids, our friends in common, teachers, and so on. But after 17 years of feeling so lonely and misunderstood I wanted to break free of all the tension, hurt and the feeling of always being resented. My husband will so honestly describe himself as someone who doesn't open up about his feelings...It was difficult and such a horrible and sad feeling to reach out to my own husband for emotional support and yet always come back empty. I felt like being alone would be more fulfilling then being lonely with him...Then I made the choice and from my actions he went away. It didn't occur to me that what was on the horizon could have more of a negative affect on us than simply standing still for a few more years. Especially our kids....
It wasn't that I didn't want to fix things with him. If he had taken anyone of the many options I brought to him I would have thrown myself into fixing our marriage 100 percent. But he was at the point where he thought that we were just fine and that my unhappiness was my own problem. I've gone through all this in other blogs and don't wish to revisit it now but the fault is not his anymore than its mine. It was both of us. We should have, could have but didn't. So there we were. We had a plan to live together until I got on my feet., got a job, a place and so on. Wow, did we have high aspirations. Its not easy to live with someone for 17 years even when you are pretty happy but to suddenly be trying to share space with both people having new friends, old arguments and newly found jealousy~It was hell. He started a relationship with the first woman who looked his way and I was growing closer to someone I had been a friend with for years. All that mess along with the fact that neither one of us knew what being without eachother would really mean plus our kids trying to understand it all equaled one big mess. We were ignorant to think we could make it work. But what happened next I blame on myself. At least when we were together I could help him stay close to them but apart? His very vulnerable state led to him opening the door to a person who only cared about herself....
He couldn't sit by and watch our marriage ending while I was growing closer to Jesse. He wanted, I imagine, to feel okay again. Although he didn't share his feelings often while we were married he certainly and suddenly had lots of emotions to share with me now...Feelings of anger, jealousy, confusion and so on. I still don't really know if he was truly happy being married to me or if he just was more scared of what leaving me would mean. If I had just sat still for a few more years...These words come into my mind constantly these days. I know, I know...There is nothing saying that he wouldn't have left me instead or that something or someone else wouldn't have interrupted us somehow but I know that if I had just shut off the outside world and made myself stay with him he most likely never would have met the person he did. And sadly I wouldn't have either. But his next chapter was the hardest for us all.
And WOW, is She quite a chapter. So many people warned me about her. Even her own kids warned my kids that she didn't have good intentions and that my husband was going to be just another victim in her serial emotional murders. In 7 months time she not only left him with nothing financially but she turned a very trusting family into one that will never again doubt that there really are bad people. See, when my ex left me he was so angry with me that he did leave me with many debts and lots of messes that I am still cleaning up. You could say Karma came and got him back but...yes, I said BUT, he didn't deserve all that Karma! From what I am learning drama queen is an understatement. She use face book to advertise herself as a victim yet even her friends have heard it all before. She thinks keeping a 12 year olds Target.com card is going to hurt my ex but its just making us see her real colors. She kept things that my husband accumulated over our marriage--Thousands of dollars worth of tools from Sears and personal awards he earned from being on the fire department.
The people she is really hurting? Her own kids. They can't control who she brings into her life, or worse, who she kicks out. She needs to control everything and for awhile, she was controlling me through my ex. She would tell him when I could see my kids and making every little detail...even socks....an issue of such huge arguments that it was ridiculous.Thankfully my ex has seen the light and realizes that his kids need him so much more than he needs a girl friend. I am sorry Karma got him but thankful that it taught him a huge lesson. It has taught me too...I am not innocent in all this. I could have done all this better. But I can't go back and change anything...All I can do is learn from my, and his, mistakes. Our biggest and best job is being the parents to those great kids. That is all that matters in the end.
When I finally took steps to leave my husband...or should I say, when I finally stopped pretending everything was OK and my actions brought on the steps to end us, it was as if I was planning for a simple break...A vacations of sorts. I didn't let myself truly calculate the cost of leaving him. Of course I knew that we would no longer be together but until it happened I didn't get how it would affect us but more importantly the kids. It's funny how suddenly you start to separate everything from furniture to friends. No longer is your Mother in law that woman who comes running out to hug you but now she barely looks at you. It's true that no one can really understand the consequences especially since divorce is new to me. I took it for granted that we other people would also have to endure so many emotions. His parents, our kids, our friends in common, teachers, and so on. But after 17 years of feeling so lonely and misunderstood I wanted to break free of all the tension, hurt and the feeling of always being resented. My husband will so honestly describe himself as someone who doesn't open up about his feelings...It was difficult and such a horrible and sad feeling to reach out to my own husband for emotional support and yet always come back empty. I felt like being alone would be more fulfilling then being lonely with him...Then I made the choice and from my actions he went away. It didn't occur to me that what was on the horizon could have more of a negative affect on us than simply standing still for a few more years. Especially our kids....
It wasn't that I didn't want to fix things with him. If he had taken anyone of the many options I brought to him I would have thrown myself into fixing our marriage 100 percent. But he was at the point where he thought that we were just fine and that my unhappiness was my own problem. I've gone through all this in other blogs and don't wish to revisit it now but the fault is not his anymore than its mine. It was both of us. We should have, could have but didn't. So there we were. We had a plan to live together until I got on my feet., got a job, a place and so on. Wow, did we have high aspirations. Its not easy to live with someone for 17 years even when you are pretty happy but to suddenly be trying to share space with both people having new friends, old arguments and newly found jealousy~It was hell. He started a relationship with the first woman who looked his way and I was growing closer to someone I had been a friend with for years. All that mess along with the fact that neither one of us knew what being without eachother would really mean plus our kids trying to understand it all equaled one big mess. We were ignorant to think we could make it work. But what happened next I blame on myself. At least when we were together I could help him stay close to them but apart? His very vulnerable state led to him opening the door to a person who only cared about herself....
He couldn't sit by and watch our marriage ending while I was growing closer to Jesse. He wanted, I imagine, to feel okay again. Although he didn't share his feelings often while we were married he certainly and suddenly had lots of emotions to share with me now...Feelings of anger, jealousy, confusion and so on. I still don't really know if he was truly happy being married to me or if he just was more scared of what leaving me would mean. If I had just sat still for a few more years...These words come into my mind constantly these days. I know, I know...There is nothing saying that he wouldn't have left me instead or that something or someone else wouldn't have interrupted us somehow but I know that if I had just shut off the outside world and made myself stay with him he most likely never would have met the person he did. And sadly I wouldn't have either. But his next chapter was the hardest for us all.
And WOW, is She quite a chapter. So many people warned me about her. Even her own kids warned my kids that she didn't have good intentions and that my husband was going to be just another victim in her serial emotional murders. In 7 months time she not only left him with nothing financially but she turned a very trusting family into one that will never again doubt that there really are bad people. See, when my ex left me he was so angry with me that he did leave me with many debts and lots of messes that I am still cleaning up. You could say Karma came and got him back but...yes, I said BUT, he didn't deserve all that Karma! From what I am learning drama queen is an understatement. She use face book to advertise herself as a victim yet even her friends have heard it all before. She thinks keeping a 12 year olds Target.com card is going to hurt my ex but its just making us see her real colors. She kept things that my husband accumulated over our marriage--Thousands of dollars worth of tools from Sears and personal awards he earned from being on the fire department.
The people she is really hurting? Her own kids. They can't control who she brings into her life, or worse, who she kicks out. She needs to control everything and for awhile, she was controlling me through my ex. She would tell him when I could see my kids and making every little detail...even socks....an issue of such huge arguments that it was ridiculous.Thankfully my ex has seen the light and realizes that his kids need him so much more than he needs a girl friend. I am sorry Karma got him but thankful that it taught him a huge lesson. It has taught me too...I am not innocent in all this. I could have done all this better. But I can't go back and change anything...All I can do is learn from my, and his, mistakes. Our biggest and best job is being the parents to those great kids. That is all that matters in the end.
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