~From The Inside Out~

If you have read my blog you know that I suffer with anxiety. Often times it has been so crippling that I have gone without leaving my house for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. Agoraphobia is the official term for what I have. When I have gone a day or two without going anywhere, the many symptoms of agoraphobia take over me. Then the time will come when inevitably I am called out, whether because my kids needed me or I needed something from the outside world. Suddenly I am taken over with rapid heartbeat, sweating, dizziness and I can't catch my breath. This  anxiety attack is what keeps me from going out to begin with because when it happens I lose control over myself, body and mind.  But no matter what you call it,  it's overwhelming, controlling and very scary. It's like every bit of self-esteem and confidence I've ever had goes out of me like the air of a popped balloon. I am happy to say that it has been almost a year since I've allowed myself to be controlled by this disorder.(While its very real its also, in the end, in a persons head and can be fixed only by ourselves.) I've taken steps to ensure that I don't fall back into the 2-year long ordeal that was my agoraphobic coma.

First of all, since my husband and I are divorcing we have both, of course, had to move from our home separately. Yes, this doesn't help my anxiety but it wasn't helping me to stay in a marriage that wasn't healthy. While I am proud of myself for making such a scary and huge change that is better for all involved, it can be challenging to me when I see the kids struggling with my decision. But, because we have both had to move out of our small town and because its very important to me that we don't also change the kids school, I have fought for both of our kids to remain with their classmates in their school several town away. That means bringing them to and from a bus stop. This very action, while I do it for the kids, also helps me to keep me active. Two times a day I have to get up, go outside and drive to their bus stop then come home. I know to the normal person that may not sound like much but to me and anyone who suffers with anxiety, every step of the process is difficult. From simple things like showering and dressing to worrying about whether I have enough gas, where I will go if I don't and then the awful possibility of getting into a car accident, which way to go to avoid traffic, to making sure I am on time ....There are so many useless yet very real and controlling thoughts that jam up my brain and play against my confidence.

For almost a year I have been taking many steps forward as well as a few back.  To continue my climb I have been thinking lately that I might do well if I reach out to other agoraphobics. If I can be of some help to others who suffer with this problem, whether its bringing them groceries or actually helping them to run their own errands,  then I can hopefully help both them and myself.  To view my problem from the outside it might help me to stop allowing myself to be controlled by my own stress. Its true that there is always someone worse off than ourselves. It's also true that when we see the people who are worse off that while we might feel we can identify we can sometimes also get a kind of kick in the butt to push forward harder. I know that my agoraphobia has been bad for me and my family because it has kept me from enjoying and living life for several years. If I see another person who has dealt with it longer I will want to win my fight sooner. Also though, If I meet someone who has just begun to let anxiety take over maybe I can help them beat it before it gets in the way of their careers, kids and so on. I wish I had someone to help me back when it began but I think everything happens for a reason. Maybe mine was to help others.

In the end its in our own hands to decide that we are no longer going to allow life to hold us down. I have finally decided that I am worth the challenge. After being out of the public and working world for many years I am looking for a job now and I go out of my house at least 2 times a day. I run errands daily that I used to depend on my husband to do. I have good days and bad and sometimes its nice to have Jesse pick up the kids cause everyone needs a break. I am fighting. I know I cannot afford to give into my worry or to allow the what ifs to keep me home. Every single time I open that door to go outside, even if its only to get the mail, I am making huge progress.