Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

~To all the people who have spent their time trying to convince me that Jesse doesn't love me, I have a lot to say. Its not that you deserve to read it or that I feel that I should waste my time saying it to you but for Jesse because he needs to know I love him and don't doubt him-and never will again- I am saying it. ~ I met Jesse at the most screwed up and emotional time in my life. He became my friend just as I was finally seeing the truth about my 14-year marriage. It wasn't the first time I saw the writing on the wall but it was the beginning of me reacting to it.  As a new friend Jesse sat listening to me go on and on about my problems. When I wasn't talking to him through messages on face book or Instant messaging him on MSN, he was taking the time to read my blog or my poetry.  Honestly, for the first few months of our friendship I was not a very good friend back to him.  I would often put him last after other on line acquaintances because I didn't see him,...

I have tried to hide my feelings regarding my separation from my husband so much that I've forgotten that part of moving on is the ability to bury and also grieve for its end. It is a death, a loss, a very sad and heart-breaking change in my life. Even though I know that its the best for me and my life, my husband was in my life for almost  two decades. Even my very understanding and wonderful boyfriend has told me that I need to deal with all this. He has welcomed my pain and my tears but I was too foolish to let it out and finally set it free more because I didn't want to believe the pain existed...Yet, who could expect themselves to move on into a new world, happy and free of the pain of the past if they never said goodbye to it, never put it to rest? This is no different. Its time to grieve and to cry for this death. So, here goes.All the turmoil, hurt, questions and all else... My letter to my soon to be Ex-husband~ 14 years ago I stood before you and said I loved yo...

I've made an important decision~One that has been staring me in the face, waiting for me to deal with it. It won't be easy,of course, as change is difficult, but it will free me finally from heartache and worry.  It was over before I came to terms with it and yet knowing that doesn't make it any easier.  In the end I believe it will be best for those involved.  Now to just take the next step....(No matter how much it hurts and scares me.)

~As I lay down to sleep tonight I will pray to God as I have done every night since the state of my life became upset and scrambled by my need for true happiness. I will ask God to keep my children, family and friends safe but also for courage. I will close my eyes and try to block out the fear that is at times choking me. I will try to imagine strong, loving and protective arms around my body while I listen intently for any sound of a stranger trying to break in. And as I fall to sleep with all the mixed feelings of doubt, love and worry, and my stomach aches from the stress, I will hope that I wake up in a mood that is anything but hopeless. I realize as I lay in the darkness paralyzed by the silence that this new and lonely life is exactly a version of what I asked for...My husband is gone and I am free to pursue an independent and happy life. As I drift off to sleep I will see the faces of my Bailey and Tessa in my mind and the big question mark that is my tomorrow. Will I be happy...

Blind and lost, battered and beaten from my inside out, I reach out  hopelessly one last time into the dark open spaces of the world. My own life lay in pieces at my bare feet like broken and splintered glass~ All the Love I gave to that man he's returned to me with only tears and pain. The time I spent fighting for that love has left me with only scars and wrinkles, all threatening now to take my very life. I dare not move or I'll risk cutting open my own skin, my heart and my life. Yet as I grasp the dark empty night for someone, anyone, I close my own hand on another that is soft and warm. Do I hold on? I worry that its only another man intent on hurting me. Just as I decide to pull my hand back It pulls me free of the broken world I know. I feel it guide me gently and so carefully toward the sunshine. I don't dare open my eyes because I fear the burn of the sun and what I might find. For the first time in so long I feel lush soft grass under my achi...

My face book Status for today : Stacy J. Roosa Have you ever loved another person so much, given them every ounce of yourself  and poured your heart and soul into everything you did for them only to wonder if they love you back even half as much? We can't measure Love as we each have our own way of showing it.  Also true love isn't suppose to expect Love back. Still, my heart cannot love anymore than is does right now. And if I fall I am going down hard. Yet if it all goes well, I know I am going to be the happiest, most loved woman in the world.   What else can I say? Its been a tough couple of days since my baby left and went home...My life is all about finding a place to live, a dollar to buy gas or food and about keeping my kids happy. Everything in my heart is on its toes waiting to see if we both will fight to get me there across the country to finally be together. I am so scared...Sometimes I want to sign off of my face book, my blog and my relationship wit...

~So, here I am....I have separated from my husband of 14 years. I am living in the home we rented together juggling to pay for bills I cannot afford with no job and no income whatsoever. The landlord has asked me to leave by early next week because of money both my ex to be and I owe. I have just saved myself from darkness by minutes thanks to Kevin paying for his half of the past due electricity bill but soon I will probably lose my satellite and telephone/internet. I literally have about $100 dollars to my name. I have started applying for jobs everywhere I go, pass or think of...I am not picky....Convenience store, coffee shop--I am not too proud to work anywhere because money is money. ~Of course I would make double the income if I were to return to a job working with people with addictions but I don't know if I am in a steady enough place to be offering myself up to running a program again. They would need to page/text me when problems arise, I would be on call 24/7 and need...

~I have decided to change what I blog about....For the most part I usually do write about my life but now as I am struggling with the issues of my divorce, moving and being without financial stability, I will try to chronicle my steps through the process of getting on my feet.I hope to be able to see hope in my own writing,to find a strength in myself and to write through the pain and anxiety. Bear with me though as I could lose internet service at any moment or any day so I might have to write from a friends house or a cafe or whatever has internet. I would love someday to be able to be in a much better place and to be able to read back on how scared and alone I felt...I hope too that I can help other struggling people to see their way clear of their own self doubt and pain....So,here goes nothing but I am really praying that its something.I would hate to have my life end someday having given up on myself. I am really my only true friend--the only person who will be here for me no mat...

I am standing on the ledge of such pain, such misery.... I can neither pull away or jump in but can only teeter there like a fool. Then when I think it can't get any worse staring at the dark, ugly shape that is my heart's enemy, it comes at me... So mean, so big- It wraps its strong,fat arms around my body in a bone-crushing hug... Please, let go, I beg....I can't breathe. I can't inhale or exhale. All I can do is let the pain envelop and mold my body to its body. And my air supply is being sucked out of my lungs by its greedy mouth. My ribs are breaking, sticking into my heart as they splinter under the pressure... Then like a kiss the pain presses onto my lips... Its a kiss of poison. It tastes spoiled and rotten,like hatred I would guess... ...Or maybe like misery. Then comes the rain as the sky becomes crowded with black clouds. Big, wet drops of rain hit hard then slither down my body but do nothing to loosen pain's grip. Aching, wet ...