Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

In such a short amount of time my baby will finally be here with me. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and feel his arms around me. For so long its as if I have been holding my breath waiting for the chance to be in the same room with him. And soon we will have two weeks together-Just Jesse and me. I imagine the many moments we will share from the feelings we will have as we talk to each other in the same space instead of through a microphone on line to being able to hold each other.I know that we still have so much to learn about one another that being on line couldn't fulfill. Don't get me wrong,  we both know how lucky we are to be able to see each other through a camera. We have spent so many hours every single day for over 6 months talking about everything from the weather to our most personal feelings, hopes and fears. I have learned more about him in this time than I have any other man because there has been nothing to distract us like what would in the "real wor...

~I have had a very long,sleepless night of thinking. After a volatile fight with my ex-husband-to-be I see that I and I alone am the only person that can and should control my own happiness. Its been years of me giving into other peoples control as well as trying to make other people happy- Men mainly. I will no longer allow my molester, rapist, husband or any other man, even a man who I may believe truly means well, to have power over me. It ends now. ~I am a person, a woman--a smart, talented and worthy woman...I said it and I mean it. And if you know me well you know that its hard for me to make that statement. I am worthy of love, of respect and worthy of a man who will not count my imperfections while trying to make me feel like I am lucky that he loves me to spite them.  No one is perfect. We all have traits and baggage that make us at times hard to deal with. I have been difficult as of late but that doesn't mean I should settle for any man who looks my way. Why wouldn...

Sometimes after I've written my blog I receive e-mails and comments from friends whose opinion of me is that I am brave and strong.  Honestly, I have stopped publishing their opinions in my blog comments because to me I feel like a girl who is anything but strong or brave. I feel scared as hell all the time. I worry about my kids and how this divorce is affecting them. I worry that I am the reason for my marriage ending, (not just the decision but the problem causing the decision to start with). Most of the time my ulcer is burning and my head hurts because all I seem to feel anymore is worry, doubt and fear.. The worst part is that I've met the best man who I would love to spend everyday of my life with...A man who actually cares about me. Yet I feel like I am always one bad mood away from ending it all with him. When I am away from him I feel like I miss him, like I am suffocating because I need him and when I am "with" him I feel like I should not be because I do...

~I truly wish someone~ Anyone ~ could explain to me why a man who has been married for 14 years, who had supposedly, until the day his wife said it was over, loved and was in love with his wife, could suddenly turn it all off like its a light switch. Not just the love itself, because honestly, that was not something she felt from him anyway, but the respect and the attention and care towards the kids he's had with her...If a Mother were to dare do that she would be considered the worst mother ever-Even labeled as an abandoner. I don't understand it and yet I know if I ever do understand it would have to be because I was sick in the head or lost my conscience. ~And here they are, a Mother and two kids living in a home that the father has decided is his. A home that is accommodating to 3 people and yet he has taken it upon himself to decide that he will stay. Forget that neither one can afford it alone anyway but he doesn't care. He even brings boxes home to her as if packi...

~It just occurred to me that 99% of the people who read my blog don't know me. My audience is made up mostly of people I have befriended on face book or strangers who have come across it in their search on google and other sites. No, I don't have a family member or a friend that comes here specifically to read about what I am dealing with. (**That doesn't include you Jesse who I know actually asks me when my next blog will be published before my first one is even done**) It makes me sad and yet it also makes me realize that I have always been alone....I wonder as I write this now if this will ever change? Will I forever have friends who don't care to read my passion? Even if I didn't like art for example, I would be the first person at a friends art exhibit. I have been the first person to do and experience things my friend are doing or are interested in. No, not because I feel like I should but because I genuinely want to experience what they are so keen on. ~I ha...

What will your heart do if I've doubted us again? When I need more reassurance because the miles are getting hard on my heart will you love me harder or give up? All I know is that my Love for you has never wavered~ It is as true and as steady as It was before and fills me up and over. When I am here with you, when we are in Love's arms even across the many miles, I don't question your Love for even a second. But time and missing you swallows all that... It leaves me wanting to hear those words, to see the Love again in your eyes and to feel again your promise. If I am asking too much I know we will be at the edge of goodbye again because I am only human with a frail heart and a love for you that leaves me needing to feel your heart. I can hide it- Simply put my needs aside and pretend everything is okay but you see through it all. I could tell you but that makes you feel like you are loving in vain. I am asking only for some time to see my way clear of...

So intricately and with painstaking attention the girl cleared her home of all memory of Him. She untied and unwrapped the many ribbons that were etched with their names that were laced up the wall. Gently she pulled down from the walls each picture of him from the heart shaped collage. By the time she was done. She tore up and burned all poetry that was written to or inspired by Him. She would leave no trace of Him or of what His love had created. She looked around the house as it became more and more naked and empty of His influence. The world in which she was once safe- where she once fit into it like a tight cocoon surrounding her had so quickly become infested by Him-- Was overtaken and poisoned  by him- The part of him that was left was all at her fingertips yet completely out of reach to her. And she wouldn't stop moving or cleaning or undoing until his love was but a memory. After many hours and held back tears the room was back to its old self. Free ...

Sometimes when everything feels lost and you can't catch your breath or find a reason to believe that you deserve anything good in life,  all you need is an unexpected "I love you" or some words of support from the person that let you down...(even if what they did was never meant to hurt you).  Without that the silence and the feeling of being alone in this world feels like the only truth there is. Maybe to you what I felt was not too bad, that we have gone through harder... Yet, what I feel is a loss of something that you and only you had once given to me. Tonight I go to sleep feeling so very alone and in complete silence.  My doubt is pounding in my ears and my heart is sad. All I needed was for you to tell me it was all going to be okay, that we would get through this and that I am not alone. I know you've said it to me before but my heart needed to hear it again...