Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

Every woman wants to feel special~ She wants to be looked at by one certain handsome man whose amazingly deep eyes only see her~ She wants his voice to speak of how lucky he is to have her and for him to truly wonder why of all the men she could have she would want him. To him she is so breathtaking and lovable, ~She is exciting and he feels so lucky... He knows that when she looked his way there must have been some miracle because he feels he does not deserve her. And the pride he would feel just to stand beside her,,, Every woman dreams of a love that is as wide as it is deep and as strong as the power of a thousand mens arms~ Yet only he gets to hold her. Many women don't know this love, would give anything even to brush the lips of this kind of passion. I have touched with these very fingertips that very Man~ Have been held by him across the miles and felt his Love like he was right here. I laid in his lap, my head on his chest, and in his tight but gen...

For my Love, who I have always known would come find me and free me from my pain,I love you. So many held breaths, broken sighs and tear-soaked pages between me and My Love~ I've had to endure so much pain and hurt to be able to recognize the difference when a man's touch was love and when it was not. So many days closer to him (and I hope) worry,wonder~ will he love me when he sees me as I already love him? I've loved him for so long... Since the day I became broken. Every step has led me toward him and now so close I shiver to think of his hands in mine and his lips touching my lips.. I know his voice, his smile and the way it stretches across his face and catches in his eyes too. I know the feeling of his fingers and understand that ~for the first time ever~ I will feel a man touch me and I will not hurt. I have been so patiently waiting, keeping myself here for him and even when doubt has held me under and I couldn't breathe, I could fee...

~There is something that happens in that moment when a person, an animal, takes his or her power and uses it against a child.That child once so innocent and having no knowledge usually about sex, changes. Its like they're taking a flower's gorgeous and velvety petals in their hands with a sweet touch then turning violent and ripping them off. Of course I cannot speak for every child who has been through sexual abuse. I can only speak for the little girl inside of me that in one awful moment went from being a loving, giving and trusting 7-year old who was in love with the world to a broken, scared and ruined girl who had to figure out what I did wrong to deserve the pain. ~Imagine in one clear,happy moment you are looking at the world with such loving and trusting eyes-You say hello to everyone and share your smile like its a gift for all. You have no reason to think that bad exists and even though you know someday you will deal with pain and letdown as readily as you will bre...

What I am about to open up about is not an easy thing to write about and I understand too that its not easy to read. Yet if my own story of being molested as a child can help even one other person to feel like they are not alone then I have done what I have set out to do. My molestation as a child was not something that I can leave back there- It is just as real and as painful now if I don't deal with it. This is my way of dealing as well as trying to gain back and fix what it has done to my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. It is a difficult, jumbled and frightened memory in my mind so please,bear with me because I might be all over the place and it will surely take me a few blog entries to explain. When I was 7 or 8 years old I went to my best friends house for a normal sleep over. For one reason or another she wanted to go to her Grandparents house in the next town over. So we packed up and went there. I remember being scared to go to a new place because I really didn...

I want to lay deeply in your strong arms against your body far away from the reality and pain that chokes me. I want only to hear the sound of your beating heart and feel your face against my head... All around us the smell of our warm skin and need winging gently above. Run your fingers through my hair, down my back and wherever they take you. The sweet taste of your lips meets mine as you tilt your head down to kiss me. Your hands cup my face, leave me tingling all over. I need you all to myself as night swallows the light all around us. In your bed and safely in your arms still, I would know real love. I don't want to remember yesterday or worry about tomorrow because here and now is all I want and  I need you. Would you mind just holding me, letting me feel your chest rise and fall against my back? I want to hear your breath in my ear while I fall into a comfortable trance. If you want to wake me, Baby~ Say my name. No matter how gently it falls from...

~What is this feeling that has taken over? Like the anger of a knife against my head,it makes me flush with such heat! It is a sharp,warm feeling but it also makes me feel cold and shaky. And then I am almost relieved because I know when I experience its pain I am alive! And its such a silly thing that controls me-Simply when I see or hear another woman call you "sweetie",or "honey" it starts... The  knife stabs me in the head, body and heart! ~Then just as I feel like I can't take that blade even another second and every breath I pull into my lungs hurts my body, it melts into the angriest, hottest lava-like liquid.  This jealousy and anger fills every curve,crevice and part of my body then explodes in me all at once. I am so vulnerable that it feels like my heart is wide open to this disease,this cancer-   Like its a precious baby naked and lying in the open of a 1,000 foot drop...Then after its exploded  the liquid anger fills me once more,this time with ev...

When will I be loved?  It seems like forever ago that you held me in your arms just to feel me there and told me you love me. It seems like a million miles away from the day we met and then the day we married. Its a lonely place here without you,and sadly,even when you are here. I am your wife,their Mom but I am no one's world.No ones reason to be anymore. I wonder what day it was that you fell out of love with me? Was it something I said or did? Is it because I am sick? No amount of tears or pleading is going to bring back that love. Sometimes I don't know if I'd still want it. I sit here a shell of myself longing for you but forever find my arms empty. You tell me its work,that we need money but what will we need money for if we aren't together?? You literally sit 2 feet away from me but you might as well be a million miles away. The one person who could make sense of all of this and truly cared for me is gone. She was taken two years ago today. And like God was ...

Ok,vacuum,shower,eat dinner&snuggle.in no particular order.  I'm a woman with a plan :P  Tomorrow will be sad as I remember & miss my best friend,Mom. I'll allow myself a day to be this way but then its high time I start working on not feeling sorry for myself, fight this anxiety and start living again.(why can't I feel as positive and hopeful in the morning as I do at night?) Fingers crossed,praying to God and wishing on everything I find that I will finally live again.

I don't deserve you. Not the time you've shared nor the love you've given. I am but a needy and simple weed that for some reason you have tended to when you can have any beautiful flower you'd like. I don't deserve life~ Not in the way you have dragged me from my death as I laid upon the ground wilting... Not in the way your sunshine has burned away my hurt or your raindrops have slipped away my tears. I don't deserve anything but what can be taken from me. It is an ugly and sad reality but it is the truth. I will forever be a lone weed looking for the kindness of strangers to give me their love~ If only for a moment... Waiting for a drip of rain or a finger of sunshine because you,too, will go when you see my real petals and I will be alone again.  ~Stacy J.Roosa 2/9/2011

~I am a pretty honest,open person when it comes to my experiences. At times when I have shared my pain about my loss, feelings of abandonment of abuse as a child I get two different reactions.Some people are very supportive. They will write and tell me that they feel better about their own situation because I was open about mine.When I receive e-mails telling me that I write the way that person feels it is a huge compliment. It makes me feel like I am doing something greater than simply writing my thoughts down. All I have ever wanted as a writer is to touch a persons heart,to make them feel that they are not alone in this world. As a person all I've wanted is to be understood. The two things do not always go hand in hand. ~The second response that I've received is that I am too open. Once I was told by an acquaintance on Face Book  to "take it to a talk show". I felt bad for that person because it seemed to me that not only are they uncomfortable with other people...