I'm Sorry

I want to be able to say I'm sorry and not leave it here. I want to be able to look straight into your eyes, eyes I have never looked into, and say the words that are waiting on my heart like a bird to fly to your ears. Its painful to know that how I really feel you will never hear, to know that no matter how sad I am over how I've treated you, I can not voice it to you.

I don't know if I'd know you if I passed by you on the street, if I'd recognize your voice if you called my name.The worst part is that you are so important to my happiness and yet I have done nothing but push you away. I have been building great walls around myself and you...All the time complaining that YOU won't let go of your own...I have made everything that is wrong,sad and heart-breaking to me be your fault. How could I have ever expected you to come to me, to trust and open up to me while I have pushed, lied and closed off all that is inside of me? You fell because I pushed you, was deaf to my words because I didn't speak them, became lost behind my wall because I closed myself off and yet I somehow decided, no, Believed that you didn't care enough, love me enough, to try to fight. What fight could you give, what of yourself could you afford to lose when I was what was standing between me and you and happiness?

It doesn't matter now that I've figured it all out if you are gone. It doesn't make sense to keep wishing for you when you don't even want to bother with me. I have done so much damage that these words, no matter how true, won't fix us.  I hate to say that I deserve my loneliness but how can I not?? I will walk this earth separated from the only person who really honestly would ever understand me. I have lost you to the mere idea that I was fearing...I feared losing you so I pushed you away before it could be real. What did I gain but the same ending?

And though I was the one who closed the door on you, I did it out of that same fear. Yet you were all too quick to go, to never turn and fight, to not even utter a word of goodbye. I stand here alone with only the proof of you as a hole inside. You didn't even have love enough for me to say goodbye...So, that is my only comfort, the idea that I pushed you but you were ready to BE pushed...

Life goes on. My breath will still rattle inside and though hiccuped by the pain, it will move in and out of my lungs until my body uncages it. I am what I deserve, a woman who is separate from herself, a body who has betrayed her own soul. I have pushed away my own self in trade for others happiness and even that no longer remains a prize for my loss. The world is cold without my soul and I am not the me that could capture happiness without touching its wings...I am no longer a wise but playful child but instead a heartbroken, aging old lady and my soul is the price I paid for a happiness that didn't stand time's pulling...

~Stacy J Roosa

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