Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

My head is spinning and my stomach hurts. I have reached out to a friend, well,at least someone who used to be my friend, to see if they will talk to me again. I have no doubt in my mind that they won't and yet  hope is still there. Like an annoying, little sunspot that I cannot blink away no matter what, hope is always there. I try to tell her to go away, to stop making my heart swell and my mind race but she has a mind of her own.And she has a plan. That plan is to make me believe in things like true love and honesty...Happiness and dreaming.Damn you Hope! And it distracts me from the truth. The truth that I might have never had a true place in my friend's heart or life as they had in mine. Hope tells me white lies, expressing her wishes for me with a sweet,sugary voice.She makes me almost believe that if I just explain my mind, if I just simply say the right words,my friend will finally see that I meant no harm and believe that I am not trying to bother them or even hurt t...

I knew with each breath I drew into my chest that I was breaking.The inhale brought such a burn to my throat.The air was heavy as it tried to reach my lungs and like a raindrop trying to plunge through an ocean,each breath was useless. I needed to get away and fast. He was outside the door waiting. His voice was deep, dark and mean. He was not holding back."Are you coming out or do I have to come in there?" His impatience was kicking his foot against the door.I could see the bottom of it bending in with each hard kick. "I'm coming, I'll be right there.Just please give me a minute!" I whined. Wow, the words were as hard to breathe out as the air was coming in. I wiped the tears off my cheeks,chin and  finally my eyes. I looked in the mirror. My irises usually hazel were now bright green, a characteristic trait of mine people noticed if they saw me cry,which wasn't often. My cheeks usually pale white were red and blotchy, my lips pale. I could see the br...

As I looked down at his picture held in my shaking hands the sun broke through the cracks of the blinds and streamed into the bedroom. I was laying on my side,holding my head up with my hand, the other hand swirling my finger near where his hair was. The sun's long fingers were bright to say the least and settled on his b lue /gray eyes. They were warm upon his kind,round face yet sad...His smirk curved at the corners of soft lips like he was holding back the thoughts of a joke no one else knew. Still even with that smirk his eyes were untouched. I wished I could kiss his eyes, move my lips along his eyelashes. I knew looking through the glass that I might never get to feel what his skin was like to touch or see his eyes looking back at me without a camera to catch his image.I wondered with a sigh what those full,soft-looking lips must feel like on mine and all over my body. I would never know these things but I knew something more important, something that even he d...

When you stand back to look at your life, when everything you have fought for believed in and everyone you have loved have all become a sad story told by unfinished poems and endless,sleepless nights of tears, it finally dawns on you that this is not life, the stories,the tales~ life is not in the details and how well they are told but in the unsaid words the unspoken emotions that were so well felt they have no words to describe them. You realize that there are some people who were in your life to fill in the gaps, just to give you a measure of who is worth your precious love and time when they promise you love but leave you with a heart that is broken and weak. And when you look and see there are only a few beings that withstand your imperfections and the shades if ugliness that we all have, only a few real, honest people who love you for you and not for what you do for them, but one of them is not the one that you gave your all to... One of them is not the...

~If you are so proud that you would choose rather to be right than to be viewed by another as wrong but still with your Love....That you would rather be seen as strong than ever  be overheard saying that you made a mistake and you're sorry.. If you view your own imperfections and any apologies you might make as weakness or see the act of succumbing to your heart's longing as a loss of self integrity, then the loss of your love and the loneliness that you will inevitably swallow Is what you deserve and truly your greatest Weakness.~ ~Love is not about how you are viewed by the world but rather how you can stick your nose up at it when you feel such love for a person that no one can understand. There is no place in this world where Love can hide~ No person is strong against love that won't be led by the heart into a place where love can make them do things they normally wouldn't, say words they didn't know they knew and feel emotions that are all...

~I have been on face book for over a year now. Like most people on face book I have friends from high school, college,work, and relatives too. Unlike those groups listed though, I also have friends that were not made the conventional way, through meeting and becoming friends, but from adding them or being added to their friends list because of a common game we play on face book or a common interest or goal. I have been added by over a thousand people for Mafia wars, hundreds for Farm Ville and as many people for teams for Walk for The Cure, a face book application where people "walk" to raise money for research of a cure for cancer. ~While adding people and being added I have met people who I adore and hope to be real, life long friends with while others I have accepted as a friend and have not seen again since they were on my request page. I would love to get to know everyone of the over 1700 people but for many reasons it can be a difficult feat if not an  impossible one....

It's all I have in me, this love for you. I have pushed away all need to be me, to be happy. Have made no room for my own soul to have yours in me,with me. That's why when you go I die. You are all I have, all I taste,feel,hear...and see. How can I be, live, without a center,a soul. I want me back! You may go and never come back and all I'll be is a walking shadow, a ghost of me with nothing breathing inside. I need to find my own feet, feel my own hands and breathe my own breath again. I love you and because of that love I am letting you out of my body and letting me back in. 6-7-10

~It's been over 2 weeks since last I blogged. Guess I had some stuff going on inside that even I couldn't explain. Trying so hard to make sense of my world and all I get is more confused. Is anybody out there listening? Sometimes I feel so alone and so misunderstood. It doesn't matter...I don't need anyone to witness my self-loathing. I don't work outside the home. Since my semi-nervous breakdown when I had to decide between working and being the Mom that I wanted to be, since Mom died and things just plain old changed with my family, I have not been able to face the world with my real face.My husband,Kevin, says he understands. He says he is patient and wants me to get better at my own pace. When he comes home to half-folded laundry or my making an easy dinner instead of his favorite meat and potatoes dinner, he says it's okay. Still, the minute we argue he doesn't understand what I am going through at all. Why can't I just get over it and leave the h...