Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

This group is amazing... More people need to listen to Aquilo including the songs "Human" and "You There".  <3  "I gave it all"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEbALC15Q1Y  "You There"   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlefHgF0kPA "Human"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50fBVpjz8qI

One thought of you passes through my mind, then another~ Before I know it I'm being dragged in from the sun and swallowed by the darkness of missing you. Your smile, your voice... They lure me to stay, to remember what once was but now is a gaping abyss inside. When I search in the ever lapping tides of my yesterday hoping to pull out just one memory I can comfort myself with my hands come up empty. Were you ever real? Or just a ghost of what I needed? Doesn't matter now~ I can't even pretend I ever mattered to you. One thought, two and I am taken over again, enveloped and battered in the questions you never answered. I pray for memory loss to keep this heart from forever breaking.  ~Stacy J French

This song, these lyrics, fit my life... Rascal Flatts "I'm Moving On"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKIGOHhiDuY

I tend to keep things to myself when it comes to my anger or annoyance with others.  It takes a lot for me to get angry but once I'm there it's like a destination instead of a stop. I figure I've held onto too many things in the past few years and need to vent before I explode. So here goes.... To the very sweet, well-meaning friends (me included) who often think they know better than others and who like to preach.  Please, let's stop telling everyone what we "know" is best for them. There is a difference between voicing our concern and being an asshat. Giving advice? Great.  But leave out the judgemental jabs as well as any phrases that contain the words 'just get over it', 'I told you so' or 'what's the big deal?' As if we each are the expert on everything? We all go through different things in our lives and we are all just learning as we go. At 4, 40 or 90 years old, we can all learn new lessons and improve ourselves.  I know...

Having depression most of my life I have tried many medications to aid in my treatment.  While I'd rather not have to depend on a pill to help me get out of bed and feel even, without it I am not able to deal with day to day life.  The medication I was on last, Prozac, was one I had tried many years ago before I had kids. It didn't help me then and now I realize, it was only worse this time around. It was killing me. So I went off of it. For now I am medication free and I have to admit, compared to how the Prozac made me feel, I am better without it.  Not cured, not happy. Just no longer hopeless and suicidal. Prozac works quickly. Within a week it can change your thinking.  If its affects were as tame as they were the first month I may not have needed to stop it all together. Still, slowly and without warning I found myself sleeping all day and night in 2-hour increments. When I wasn't sleeping I was staring at the ceiling planning the end of my life and not cari...

My memories of you have worn soft and feathery like the edges of a well-read novel. I no longer see the colors or shapes  of the memories we  made but instead feel them firing off  the synapses of my mind  as if I was born with the thought of you  already implanted in my d.n.a. © 2015 Stacy J. French~Roosa (All rights reserved)

I miss you very, very much, There is no poetry in that~ Only insufferable silence hiccupped by a cracking heart.

LOVE Love is such a little word just four letters long it represents so much for being so little there is no limit to it's meaning there is no limit to it's feeling when you have it you can be so happy and if you don't it can make you feel so sad but when I see my baby the love I feel is so strong because of that love is huge for me  She makes me smile just being around me I feel her love every minute she is here for me that little word Love is a huge powerful word because I have My Love with me Love is a very Huge word for me by Jesse Jacobo

I thought you were the Moon, I placed you up among the stars. I thought if I was good enough I could feel your glow from Mars. But you were not what you pretended- You were merely a reflection in the night. What I found from you was nothing but a fleeting flash of light. I would have followed you through the darkness, I could have danced with you under the trees. I would have given you everything that was shining from within me.  Yet  your light dimmed and wavered in the splinters  of your caress - You left me cold and fractured in the expanse of total darkness.  ~Stacy J. French (Roosa)

I am writing with fear pulsating in my throat and shaking in my fingers. I have been so frightened of my thoughts that I spend most of the day in bed wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets with any mindless show I can find blaring on the t.v. so I don't have to hear my own thoughts. At this very moment I am one word away from going to that place now. Still, I am trying to push through this. I can't see a tomorrow where I will be free from this feeling of doom inside my head.  I don't see any relief from this pain sitting on my heart. Although I know I will have moments of laughter, I doubt I will have any true duration of just being "even".  What I wouldn't do to simply be a woman whose mood is affected by life instead of a shell of myself whose life is affected by my mood and depression. I struggle often with the idea that my existence causes more problems than taking my life would. I'm not sure that the pain of my absence is any worse than what I do to pe...

I am letting go and you won't even notice... I am but a flicker of light among a blaze of fire so my death won't be felt by you. And only when the rest of the flames smolder to embers will you'll realize  how strong I burned for you.

Your silence pains me. It catches a sigh so deep in my chest that it hurts to move and to breathe. Your silence has a way of gobbling up  all of the sweet words you've spoken until the teeth of doubt chews away at reason. Your silence haunts me. Like the one lone shadow in an open,  sun-drenched field where no objects stand to cause a block of the sun, your quiet eclipses the sunshine. Your silence shames me. I go over every word we have said to eachother. I pick apart sentences until the words are unlatched and mixed up. Then I  rearrange them in my head until their meaning is muddy and I feel a conflict within me. Your silence breaks me. I'd rather you voice the truth-  whatever that is- to clear up all this anxiety storming within. I continue to feel that I am not worthy of your time... Even a mere second. The sharp edges of the words "too busy" and "not important enough"  cut into the flesh of my brain, leaking the poison ...

I have nothing to offer this paper. Like the pale face of the moon it gleams & invites new adventures yet I am at a loss for words. I am at a loss for emotions too. There is a block, a shadow over this poet. It feels as big as a skyscraper but it's as small as the tip of this pen ....which lays here as dry as my eyes. Every blank space haunts me.... I want to write on the walls, in the blue stretch of the sky and on the floors but the words won't come. It's as if they are stuck somewhere between my brain and my hand.. One little pill...A prescription for my depression. It's all that stands between me and releasing all of these emotions~ From feeling this mess inside of me, and spreading it onto the paper.... One little capsule filled with a medicine that dulls my sadness but also my elation, my fear, my hope and my voice. One little pill that saves my life daily but kills my spirit.