Releasing The Poison
I tend to keep things to myself when it comes to my anger or annoyance with others. It takes a lot for me to get angry but once I'm there it's like a destination instead of a stop. I figure I've held onto too many things in the past few years and need to vent before I explode. So here goes....
To the very sweet, well-meaning friends (me included) who often think they know better than others and who like to preach. Please, let's stop telling everyone what we "know" is best for them. There is a difference between voicing our concern and being an asshat. Giving advice? Great. But leave out the judgemental jabs as well as any phrases that contain the words 'just get over it', 'I told you so' or 'what's the big deal?' As if we each are the expert on everything? We all go through different things in our lives and we are all just learning as we go. At 4, 40 or 90 years old, we can all learn new lessons and improve ourselves. I know we, as humans, are judgemental, but it doesn't help people to fix issues when others stand over us in judgment as if we are all an all-knowing God. Growing up I thought anyone over 25 was old and I thought going to work and college was the toughest thing I'd probably endure all my life. Nope. There is always older and there's way more stress, hard work and bad experiences to come. There are also many wonderful things awaiting us. Wait for it. In the meantime, let's give one another a break and keep our unwanted perceptions in our own heads. People are going to change and do what they need to when they are ready. It's not that you can't offer advice to others. It's a great thing when you care enough to want to help someone skip over a broken step. Still, to be honest, until we learn that we don't know everything yet (and never will), we cannot possibly fathom everything that everyone is going through. Even if we've experienced similar things, it doesn't mean that we each take them in the same way others may. People know loss I've never experienced...Other people can teach me things I'll never know. Still, preaching is not getting anyone anywhere. I appreciate that we want to "help" others to do this and that, but it's not our choice nor will it be us that has to take the steps to make things happen for others. Like with me, I acknowledge that I have been stuck in a depressed and anxiety-ridden place. I am well aware that it has controlled my happiness. If you don't realize I already kick myself for being paralyzed by things that wouldn't have fazed me before, you would be wrong. I'm determined and I will get there. When I do I'm sure that I'll still mess stuff up. Being human has everything to do with making mistakes and learning from them.
Religion and politics are personal choices. We have the right to express our own opinions but not the right to shove them in other people's throats.
Now on a more personal note~
To the Ex who thinks I still have feelings for him: Yes, I do have strong feelings~ They are called regret and total disenchantment. Whatever it is that I saw in you so many years ago has become a mystery to me. I'm not saying that to be mean but to be honest. How many times did I try to tell you that I was not interested in anything more than friendship once we talked again many years after the end of our relationship? All of the attraction to you I felt for those years before went away when the truth shone through the clouds. I saw your lying, cheating and selfish ways like someone suddenly turned a light onto you. I don't regret knowing you. At least I learned many lessons about life and love from my experience with you. But then again, your constant disappearing from my life and coming back really makes it super difficult for me to trust people. I suppose that's why I push people away like I do...or part of the reason anyway.
To the man who raped me when I was 17. You're mad that I published what you did to me on my blog some time ago? You're angry that I used your first name? Well, I guess you shouldn't have gotten me drunk and raped me then. You can't chase me down the street threatening to kill my family and me anymore, can you? I grew up and found my voice. My only regret (other than meeting you) is that I didn't find my words those many years ago. If I had I could have protected others too. I pray to God that you never did that to anyone else though sadly I doubt that.
To the man who molested me: I imagine you are deceased now and that you are in hell. Maybe you confessed your sins and were forgiven. I just want to say that I forgive you now. You have had too much control over me for decades. I'm certainly not going to allow a hate for you to influence me anymore. I'm taking away your power even if it's only one step at a time. You still sneak into my happy thoughts and you make everything that is pure and clean in the world, dirty and broken to me. Whatever was wrong with you I will never know. You have to be "like" you to get why an older man is attracted to a 7-year-old. The fact that I don't understand is a huge relief... I just think of you and others like you, as evil. It's all I've got to keep me from going back to that awful and confused place that lived in my head since I was a little girl. What you did to me affected my self-esteem and made me doubt that good men existed. For too long I have blamed myself for what you did. I've been overly protective of my own kids and see bad in older men that may not even exist. Not to mention the fact that because of what you did to your granddaughter and me we stopped being friends. She's never spoken to me since. Maybe she has blocked it out or, worse, maybe she blames herself for bringing me to your house. It wasn't her fault. We were not supposed to feel shame for the sin you committed. Yet I wore the shame like a cloak. Like I expressed about the man who raped me, I am so very sorry to any other victims that you may have had after me. Because I didn't tell till many years later I feel like I "allowed" you to possibly molest others. Such a shame that victims are made to feel like they are the ones who did something wrong.
And to myself: Where to start? You are hard on yourself, naive at times and too trusting all at once. You fear the possibility of succeeding. Happiness scares you. You push people away. You hardly ever stand up for yourself but when you do follow your gut instinct, you become so doubtful of yourself that you apologize. You are so scared of not being liked and by being wrong, that you stay silent rather than say what is in your heart. You let what other people think of you affect your actions....and worse, you let your self-doubt taint your perceptions so you don't even know for sure what anyone thinks anyway because in truth those views from "others" are just the negative dialogue in your head. And who cares who doesn't agree? They are just opinions... You are seriously your own worse enemy.You have empathy for others for going through experiences that you won't allow yourself the same understanding for.
And finally, to the 'friends' I've lost because of my own personal struggle with depression and self-doubt. Too bad you were so quick to leave. I'm going to "get better" and when I do I will see who truly cared about me. You ran when things got tough. When I pushed you away you were all too eager to go. But I will no longer let anyone else's opinion or perception of me into my head. There is enough to deal with in there, thanks. Like the saying I've heard so many times (in so many words), take me and accept me at my worse or you don't deserve me at my best. I forgive you anyway. I'm just moving on. Take care of yourself and let people be their real selves, even if their true self is cracked at the time you came into their life. Otherwise, you will never find happiness because let's face it, we are all screwed up in our own way.
To the very sweet, well-meaning friends (me included) who often think they know better than others and who like to preach. Please, let's stop telling everyone what we "know" is best for them. There is a difference between voicing our concern and being an asshat. Giving advice? Great. But leave out the judgemental jabs as well as any phrases that contain the words 'just get over it', 'I told you so' or 'what's the big deal?' As if we each are the expert on everything? We all go through different things in our lives and we are all just learning as we go. At 4, 40 or 90 years old, we can all learn new lessons and improve ourselves. I know we, as humans, are judgemental, but it doesn't help people to fix issues when others stand over us in judgment as if we are all an all-knowing God. Growing up I thought anyone over 25 was old and I thought going to work and college was the toughest thing I'd probably endure all my life. Nope. There is always older and there's way more stress, hard work and bad experiences to come. There are also many wonderful things awaiting us. Wait for it. In the meantime, let's give one another a break and keep our unwanted perceptions in our own heads. People are going to change and do what they need to when they are ready. It's not that you can't offer advice to others. It's a great thing when you care enough to want to help someone skip over a broken step. Still, to be honest, until we learn that we don't know everything yet (and never will), we cannot possibly fathom everything that everyone is going through. Even if we've experienced similar things, it doesn't mean that we each take them in the same way others may. People know loss I've never experienced...Other people can teach me things I'll never know. Still, preaching is not getting anyone anywhere. I appreciate that we want to "help" others to do this and that, but it's not our choice nor will it be us that has to take the steps to make things happen for others. Like with me, I acknowledge that I have been stuck in a depressed and anxiety-ridden place. I am well aware that it has controlled my happiness. If you don't realize I already kick myself for being paralyzed by things that wouldn't have fazed me before, you would be wrong. I'm determined and I will get there. When I do I'm sure that I'll still mess stuff up. Being human has everything to do with making mistakes and learning from them.
Religion and politics are personal choices. We have the right to express our own opinions but not the right to shove them in other people's throats.
Now on a more personal note~
To the Ex who thinks I still have feelings for him: Yes, I do have strong feelings~ They are called regret and total disenchantment. Whatever it is that I saw in you so many years ago has become a mystery to me. I'm not saying that to be mean but to be honest. How many times did I try to tell you that I was not interested in anything more than friendship once we talked again many years after the end of our relationship? All of the attraction to you I felt for those years before went away when the truth shone through the clouds. I saw your lying, cheating and selfish ways like someone suddenly turned a light onto you. I don't regret knowing you. At least I learned many lessons about life and love from my experience with you. But then again, your constant disappearing from my life and coming back really makes it super difficult for me to trust people. I suppose that's why I push people away like I do...or part of the reason anyway.
To the man who raped me when I was 17. You're mad that I published what you did to me on my blog some time ago? You're angry that I used your first name? Well, I guess you shouldn't have gotten me drunk and raped me then. You can't chase me down the street threatening to kill my family and me anymore, can you? I grew up and found my voice. My only regret (other than meeting you) is that I didn't find my words those many years ago. If I had I could have protected others too. I pray to God that you never did that to anyone else though sadly I doubt that.
To the man who molested me: I imagine you are deceased now and that you are in hell. Maybe you confessed your sins and were forgiven. I just want to say that I forgive you now. You have had too much control over me for decades. I'm certainly not going to allow a hate for you to influence me anymore. I'm taking away your power even if it's only one step at a time. You still sneak into my happy thoughts and you make everything that is pure and clean in the world, dirty and broken to me. Whatever was wrong with you I will never know. You have to be "like" you to get why an older man is attracted to a 7-year-old. The fact that I don't understand is a huge relief... I just think of you and others like you, as evil. It's all I've got to keep me from going back to that awful and confused place that lived in my head since I was a little girl. What you did to me affected my self-esteem and made me doubt that good men existed. For too long I have blamed myself for what you did. I've been overly protective of my own kids and see bad in older men that may not even exist. Not to mention the fact that because of what you did to your granddaughter and me we stopped being friends. She's never spoken to me since. Maybe she has blocked it out or, worse, maybe she blames herself for bringing me to your house. It wasn't her fault. We were not supposed to feel shame for the sin you committed. Yet I wore the shame like a cloak. Like I expressed about the man who raped me, I am so very sorry to any other victims that you may have had after me. Because I didn't tell till many years later I feel like I "allowed" you to possibly molest others. Such a shame that victims are made to feel like they are the ones who did something wrong.
And to myself: Where to start? You are hard on yourself, naive at times and too trusting all at once. You fear the possibility of succeeding. Happiness scares you. You push people away. You hardly ever stand up for yourself but when you do follow your gut instinct, you become so doubtful of yourself that you apologize. You are so scared of not being liked and by being wrong, that you stay silent rather than say what is in your heart. You let what other people think of you affect your actions....and worse, you let your self-doubt taint your perceptions so you don't even know for sure what anyone thinks anyway because in truth those views from "others" are just the negative dialogue in your head. And who cares who doesn't agree? They are just opinions... You are seriously your own worse enemy.You have empathy for others for going through experiences that you won't allow yourself the same understanding for.
And finally, to the 'friends' I've lost because of my own personal struggle with depression and self-doubt. Too bad you were so quick to leave. I'm going to "get better" and when I do I will see who truly cared about me. You ran when things got tough. When I pushed you away you were all too eager to go. But I will no longer let anyone else's opinion or perception of me into my head. There is enough to deal with in there, thanks. Like the saying I've heard so many times (in so many words), take me and accept me at my worse or you don't deserve me at my best. I forgive you anyway. I'm just moving on. Take care of yourself and let people be their real selves, even if their true self is cracked at the time you came into their life. Otherwise, you will never find happiness because let's face it, we are all screwed up in our own way.
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