I'm Trying To Be Brave...
I am writing with fear pulsating in my throat and shaking in my fingers. I have been so frightened of my thoughts that I spend most of the day in bed wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets with any mindless show I can find blaring on the t.v. so I don't have to hear my own thoughts. At this very moment I am one word away from going to that place now. Still, I am trying to push through this.
I can't see a tomorrow where I will be free from this feeling of doom inside my head. I don't see any relief from this pain sitting on my heart. Although I know I will have moments of laughter, I doubt I will have any true duration of just being "even". What I wouldn't do to simply be a woman whose mood is affected by life instead of a shell of myself whose life is affected by my mood and depression. I struggle often with the idea that my existence causes more problems than taking my life would. I'm not sure that the pain of my absence is any worse than what I do to people while breathing. Even this damned medication is not helping... All it does it cause a fog so dense that I cannot even see through it to veer out of the way of oncoming problems. Worse, I am noticing I don't care when I can make them out on the horizon. I feel like "why bother?".
What I had a year ago is gone now...What I had 5 years before that is a distant memory. Yes, I do have good things in my life, a few good people, but I am too sad and detached to realize them. Sadly I am living without my kids, in a new world, without the surroundings and people I grew up with. My life is absent of even the little things that I collected and brought along with me in my 40 years. Funny how something as stupid as furniture or a well loved,worn book can give one a feeling of safety and comfort. All my memories of friendships, of my Mother, are locked in my head...I cannot even see them in pictures. And in my head memories are tainted by pain. My childhood home, neighborhood, my Mom's resting place~ I don't have any of that to calm my nerves. And that would be okay, manageable even, if my kids were near me. Just by existing so far away from them and not being able to be a part of their daily lives is causing me great heartache. So many people have gone in the past 5 years, so many things have changed, including myself, and I feel like I am barely holding on by my toes to the edge of this life.
I pull people in. I show them my heart and then when they can't immediately take it in and make sense of the mess that I am, I become embarrassed and ashamed and push them away. I seek validation~ Something I have always done but now seems to be a part of my very outlook on life in these difficult times. I doubt my connection to people, fear that I've been played and I suddenly push people away before they can possibly push me first. I fear being alone, abandoned, and yet sometimes I think I am more scared of being around the ones I love because I don't want to be a burden to them. When you suffer with depression you have a voice that is louder and pushier than your own. It's hard to ignore and is full of self doubt and warns you constantly not trust anyone. It eats at your self esteem while offering a warm, safe place to settle down when the world gets too confusing. But it tells only lies, offers only warmth as long as you feed it more of your pain and it plays on your every fear. It pulls you away from anything that might mean feeling hope again (The scariest of emotions to me because the loss of it means great despair and having to pick up splintered pieces of yourself that were already broken).
I feel like I am simply a waste of space, taking on air I don't deserve. I force a smile, post something positive online and tell people I'm good but inside I am anything but. Out of stress I mindlessly grind my poor teeth all day and night until my head bangs and my teeth and jaw ache. Often I don't eat because I can't be bothered~ until my blood sugar drops so low that I have to force myself to eat even crackers or a something with sugar. When I do eat its because Jesse has made food and sat me down to eat it. But the food doesn't appeal to me. Then after eating I am sick to my stomach.
I cannot make decisions. Where do I want to eat? What should I wear? Should we go to the store? To me making these simple decisions is as difficult as real life altering decisions.
I hate to sleep because I dream of all the things that I fear and worry about when I'm awake...Bills, relationships, my kids' health.... I must dream about every little and big worry I have all in the course of the 2-3 hour span of sleep I do get. But then when I am awake I cannot stand to be in social situations. I find the emotional pain gnawing at my heart and I find myself back in bed praying for sleep and silence from my pain...a nightmare comparable to some horror movie would be more welcome than the reality I dream of.
I have only a few friends that I communicate with regularly. I've lost several to this depression and many more to moving across the country. The ones I do have I feel like I am one bad day from throwing away. I feel like I need to pretend to be okay so that I don't scare anyone. Often I want to delete my facebook, my e-mail and everything else that gives me the ability to reach out and burden others. I feel I'd be doing the world a favor by being silent. It's all I can do at this very moment not to close this stupid blog and leave these words unsaid.
But I'm not going to...I am trying so hard to push through this. I am fighting to find a place for myself in this world without feeling like a burden to my loved ones. More out of fear of the pain and questions my death would leave behind, but also because there is a very tiny part of me that is curious about what is in my future. But I know what I have to do to find it....and it's not going to be found in the dark under the covers with the sun blocked out of the house. I need to fix myself. But the next step is the hardest. It's time to go back to the doctor to change my medication, maybe even seek inpatient treatment. I can't do this alone. Not anymore.
I can't see a tomorrow where I will be free from this feeling of doom inside my head. I don't see any relief from this pain sitting on my heart. Although I know I will have moments of laughter, I doubt I will have any true duration of just being "even". What I wouldn't do to simply be a woman whose mood is affected by life instead of a shell of myself whose life is affected by my mood and depression. I struggle often with the idea that my existence causes more problems than taking my life would. I'm not sure that the pain of my absence is any worse than what I do to people while breathing. Even this damned medication is not helping... All it does it cause a fog so dense that I cannot even see through it to veer out of the way of oncoming problems. Worse, I am noticing I don't care when I can make them out on the horizon. I feel like "why bother?".
What I had a year ago is gone now...What I had 5 years before that is a distant memory. Yes, I do have good things in my life, a few good people, but I am too sad and detached to realize them. Sadly I am living without my kids, in a new world, without the surroundings and people I grew up with. My life is absent of even the little things that I collected and brought along with me in my 40 years. Funny how something as stupid as furniture or a well loved,worn book can give one a feeling of safety and comfort. All my memories of friendships, of my Mother, are locked in my head...I cannot even see them in pictures. And in my head memories are tainted by pain. My childhood home, neighborhood, my Mom's resting place~ I don't have any of that to calm my nerves. And that would be okay, manageable even, if my kids were near me. Just by existing so far away from them and not being able to be a part of their daily lives is causing me great heartache. So many people have gone in the past 5 years, so many things have changed, including myself, and I feel like I am barely holding on by my toes to the edge of this life.
I pull people in. I show them my heart and then when they can't immediately take it in and make sense of the mess that I am, I become embarrassed and ashamed and push them away. I seek validation~ Something I have always done but now seems to be a part of my very outlook on life in these difficult times. I doubt my connection to people, fear that I've been played and I suddenly push people away before they can possibly push me first. I fear being alone, abandoned, and yet sometimes I think I am more scared of being around the ones I love because I don't want to be a burden to them. When you suffer with depression you have a voice that is louder and pushier than your own. It's hard to ignore and is full of self doubt and warns you constantly not trust anyone. It eats at your self esteem while offering a warm, safe place to settle down when the world gets too confusing. But it tells only lies, offers only warmth as long as you feed it more of your pain and it plays on your every fear. It pulls you away from anything that might mean feeling hope again (The scariest of emotions to me because the loss of it means great despair and having to pick up splintered pieces of yourself that were already broken).
I feel like I am simply a waste of space, taking on air I don't deserve. I force a smile, post something positive online and tell people I'm good but inside I am anything but. Out of stress I mindlessly grind my poor teeth all day and night until my head bangs and my teeth and jaw ache. Often I don't eat because I can't be bothered~ until my blood sugar drops so low that I have to force myself to eat even crackers or a something with sugar. When I do eat its because Jesse has made food and sat me down to eat it. But the food doesn't appeal to me. Then after eating I am sick to my stomach.
I cannot make decisions. Where do I want to eat? What should I wear? Should we go to the store? To me making these simple decisions is as difficult as real life altering decisions.
I hate to sleep because I dream of all the things that I fear and worry about when I'm awake...Bills, relationships, my kids' health.... I must dream about every little and big worry I have all in the course of the 2-3 hour span of sleep I do get. But then when I am awake I cannot stand to be in social situations. I find the emotional pain gnawing at my heart and I find myself back in bed praying for sleep and silence from my pain...a nightmare comparable to some horror movie would be more welcome than the reality I dream of.
I have only a few friends that I communicate with regularly. I've lost several to this depression and many more to moving across the country. The ones I do have I feel like I am one bad day from throwing away. I feel like I need to pretend to be okay so that I don't scare anyone. Often I want to delete my facebook, my e-mail and everything else that gives me the ability to reach out and burden others. I feel I'd be doing the world a favor by being silent. It's all I can do at this very moment not to close this stupid blog and leave these words unsaid.
But I'm not going to...I am trying so hard to push through this. I am fighting to find a place for myself in this world without feeling like a burden to my loved ones. More out of fear of the pain and questions my death would leave behind, but also because there is a very tiny part of me that is curious about what is in my future. But I know what I have to do to find it....and it's not going to be found in the dark under the covers with the sun blocked out of the house. I need to fix myself. But the next step is the hardest. It's time to go back to the doctor to change my medication, maybe even seek inpatient treatment. I can't do this alone. Not anymore.
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