~ My Depression Medication Was Killing Me~
Having depression most of my life I have tried many medications to aid in my treatment. While I'd rather not have to depend on a pill to help me get out of bed and feel even, without it I am not able to deal with day to day life. The medication I was on last, Prozac, was one I had tried many years ago before I had kids. It didn't help me then and now I realize, it was only worse this time around. It was killing me. So I went off of it. For now I am medication free and I have to admit, compared to how the Prozac made me feel, I am better without it. Not cured, not happy. Just no longer hopeless and suicidal.
Prozac works quickly. Within a week it can change your thinking. If its affects were as tame as they were the first month I may not have needed to stop it all together. Still, slowly and without warning I found myself sleeping all day and night in 2-hour increments. When I wasn't sleeping I was staring at the ceiling planning the end of my life and not caring about anything...to say the least. I couldn't make decisions about even the simplest things, like what to eat. More than that, I didn't care if I did eat. I couldn't commit to cleaning or to even sitting in one place because it was too much and I just wanted to close my eyes and shut it all away.. What I did do was hold firm to whatever I did think I needed- like people and things that were bad for me- because it/they were feeding into my way of self-harm. If my heart was breaking I felt like I was receiving what I deserved. My heart broke a lot. But then when people would push me away I'd return to the idea of ending my own breath.
Honestly, it was the medication itself that caused me to stop taking medication all together. About three weeks ago I ran out of them. As usual I called in the prescription but couldn't be bothered to go get it. Who cares anyway, I thought. Certainly not me. Slowly but surely over the next few weeks I came out of the coma of indifference, of self-hate, and into the dim light again. It is NOT EVER okay to just go off your medication without a doctor's okay, but I did. I do not suggest anyone else do this. It could have had very bad results. But it is what it is.
As I said, I am far from on an even plane. I am still depressed, still feeling like why bother with most things, but the difference is that I have good moments shine through like flickering rays of sunshine. I will make an appointment with my doctor where I will explain how and why I stopped his prescription and then I will need to try something else. If I could go without depression medications I would. I'd love to be happy just because the sun is shining, because I am loved and for all the little things in the world that do make me happy when I am not this way, I am aware I have a LOT to be thankful for. But sadly my depression is not a matter of making up my mind to be happy nor is it a lack of practice in faith or counting my blessings.... It's my brain doing all the opposite things that a "normal" (non-chemically depressed brain) does.
I know I'm getting "better" because I am writing this instead of laying in bed hoping for the world to end. One step at a time.
Prozac works quickly. Within a week it can change your thinking. If its affects were as tame as they were the first month I may not have needed to stop it all together. Still, slowly and without warning I found myself sleeping all day and night in 2-hour increments. When I wasn't sleeping I was staring at the ceiling planning the end of my life and not caring about anything...to say the least. I couldn't make decisions about even the simplest things, like what to eat. More than that, I didn't care if I did eat. I couldn't commit to cleaning or to even sitting in one place because it was too much and I just wanted to close my eyes and shut it all away.. What I did do was hold firm to whatever I did think I needed- like people and things that were bad for me- because it/they were feeding into my way of self-harm. If my heart was breaking I felt like I was receiving what I deserved. My heart broke a lot. But then when people would push me away I'd return to the idea of ending my own breath.
Honestly, it was the medication itself that caused me to stop taking medication all together. About three weeks ago I ran out of them. As usual I called in the prescription but couldn't be bothered to go get it. Who cares anyway, I thought. Certainly not me. Slowly but surely over the next few weeks I came out of the coma of indifference, of self-hate, and into the dim light again. It is NOT EVER okay to just go off your medication without a doctor's okay, but I did. I do not suggest anyone else do this. It could have had very bad results. But it is what it is.
As I said, I am far from on an even plane. I am still depressed, still feeling like why bother with most things, but the difference is that I have good moments shine through like flickering rays of sunshine. I will make an appointment with my doctor where I will explain how and why I stopped his prescription and then I will need to try something else. If I could go without depression medications I would. I'd love to be happy just because the sun is shining, because I am loved and for all the little things in the world that do make me happy when I am not this way, I am aware I have a LOT to be thankful for. But sadly my depression is not a matter of making up my mind to be happy nor is it a lack of practice in faith or counting my blessings.... It's my brain doing all the opposite things that a "normal" (non-chemically depressed brain) does.
I know I'm getting "better" because I am writing this instead of laying in bed hoping for the world to end. One step at a time.
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