Questions I ask Myself...And The Answer.

1. Can I live in a state, a town, where I feel like hiding away? It's so much bigger, scarier and busier that I am used to. I could fit my home town of Massachusetts 4 times into this one city.

 2. Will I ever make friends here? Or will my only connection to this new world be Jesse? I am so lonely.

 3. How can I expect Jesse's family to like me when I don't know how to "be"  around them? I know their loss having lost my own Mother. I know how difficult it is to see my own father with a new wife. I feel welcomed but I think I might always feel this "other woman" kind of feeling.

 4. When the heck am I going to feel better. It doesn't matter that I chose to have myself weaned off this pain medication, I still have to endure the withdrawal symptoms. Day 16 and the symptoms come, go and then come back with vengance.

 5. Is this place, this house where Jesse's niece and family lived for many, many years, ever going to feel like "home" to us?

 All these questions and so many more constantly swirl in my mind....and then I look at my 14 year old daughter and 16 year old son and realize that they are doing all this so much better than I am. I am soo proud of them. Here they are coming to a new state, a new school, new classmates, Jesse's family and being moved around from house to house, often having no space of their own yet they had faith in ME and followed us with no complaints. I can learn from them. What I am feeling is most likely connected to my withdrawal symptoms....I am told I may feel emotionally distraught for many months to come. But I have to stay the course, plant my feet and make this house a home. I have to stop questioning everything and everyone and especially myself  because if I don't have faith and trust in our venture, why should they.

 I have a lot of work to do on me, for me and for my kids and my fiance. I need to be true to myself but fair to my kids. These are huge changes. They left their own father, friends, school and town they knew their whole life. They  had no choice really but to come here with me. I am their Mother, their protector and for now on, I am at the mercy of their future and happiness. And I am proud to have that job. No more questions.

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