~ Playing Victim... Part 1~
You know that girl in high school that we all used to whisper about? Let's call her "Girl B" to make it easy. We have all met her... Girl B was the girl who was spoiled by life, genes, and her parents. She was born into a well-to-do family. Girl B was pretty, had a nice body and her parents gave her everything she wanted. She wore the best clothes and had all the newest "toys". We used to look at her with crossed eyes of jealousy while wishing that just one bad thing would happen to her, even if it was a pimple on her perfect face. We whispered to each other that she would be the girl who had a "rude awakening" coming to her....We decided that the "real world" would open up and eat her alive because she had no idea what it was like to want or to need anything.
To spite the fact that we were simply making the judgment based purely on jealousy, we did have it right to a point. The real world would come alive to Girl B as she would graduate college and venture out on her own. Girl B would apply for the best paying, most wanted job. But Just one. Girl B wouldn't even imagine a need to apply for more as she knew she wanted this job so she would get it. (Just like everything else in life) she felt that they were lucky together. Whether she deserved the job or whatever she wanted was just a detail to Girl B because wanting it was all that counted. When Girl B got the news that the job was not hers to have it did not occur to her that she was turned down for it because she wasn't "good enough" for it. Girl B would put the blame on the "idiots" at the company. They were wrong and they would be sorry.
Girl B went through the next few years of her life continuing to look at the world that way. If she wanted an apartment but didn't get it, then she would decide that it was the mistake of the people renting. If she was tight on money she would run to her parents. Girl B would continue to look at her parents as the answer to all her problems. After all, they were the ones that made her too good for the world around her and they should be the ones to fix any problems she ran into.
Whether it ever occurs to Girl B that life is NOT out to get her and that she is not the only one who needs, wants or deserves things, is a mystery. We have to imagine that in some way she finally figures it out because parents die, people grow tired and weary of selfish people and life goes on. Even if her parents leave her money , their home or all the riches she was used to in their will , there are whole other parts of life that have nothing to do with wealth. Men, careers, friends and each and every layer of each of these interpersonal relationships need give and take and a person who does not expect everyone to treat her like she is the only girl in the world. Girl B will ruin almost every relationship she has because she will expect too much of people while giving nothing of herself. She will want them to see her as perfect except when she makes allows herself to see that she's made a mistake and then she will expect her friends or lover to forgive that mistake no matter how big or awful...
Girl B will not change over night, if she changes at all. After all, she has had 20 plus years of being taught that the world is hers and that she can have or do what she wants...It will be an extremely painful and awful lesson that will present itself over and over again with no pause. The truth is, Girl B was never lucky to be Girl B...She was robbed of reality and set up for constant failure. It will be up to Girl B to learn the truth of life and to stop playing the victim. While it's true that life that can be cruel, it does not pick favorites. It is unfair to all at one point or another. Some people get "lucky" and get more crap than good in life but it's not personal. That is the truth that is the hardest to learn.
I am Girl B. Unlike her though, it was not wealth, beauty or being spoiled with materialistic things that caused my own realistic view of the world. Wait, I take that back! I was spoiled...It may not have been to the point or cost that "girl B" is or was but anytime a parent gives more to a child than is in their means to, it is spoiling a child. Still, while my "unrealistic" look of the world is different than that of "Girl B" the result is the same. And let me say here and now that to spite our parents spoiling us, neither Girl B nor I have anyone to blame but ourselves.
This is the first moment, the very first writing and the beginning steps of real self awareness for me. Over time and with the written word, I will retrace my footsteps back to the days of youth and to figure out where I ended up....
For now I will state the obvious~ I am 39 years old. I have no friends outside of people I've met on face book and my fiance Jesse and kids. Not that those people aren't enough because I am very lucky to have each and every one of them including the amazing people I've met online. Still, I seem to have alienated my entire family including my own Grandmother, aunts and my once Best friend of 20 plus years, Jennifer. People who were by my side when Mom passed away 4 years ago are no longer answering my phone calls and one has even "un-friended" me on face book. I am figuring out only now that I have to be the murderer of my own happiness and the only one responsible for my own undoing.
I will continue to write here and finally be honest with myself about my life. If you are someone who I've done wrong or who I owe an apology to please know that I am working on getting there. On a side note, I cannot take the responsibility for every death of a relationship....While I've pushed many people away because of fear? selfishness? mistakes, there are a tiny few that I've pushed away on purpose because my own mental health was becoming diseased. Then again, I am here writing to figure out where I went wrong and what I was going on in my head that caused my issues, so who knows what I will figure out even with the people who were causing me pain.
I hope starting today that with this outlet to write and with my need to cut through my own mental crap that I will do damage control with my friends and family or at least make sure I "fix" my broken mind so I can be sure not to lose anyone else.
To spite the fact that we were simply making the judgment based purely on jealousy, we did have it right to a point. The real world would come alive to Girl B as she would graduate college and venture out on her own. Girl B would apply for the best paying, most wanted job. But Just one. Girl B wouldn't even imagine a need to apply for more as she knew she wanted this job so she would get it. (Just like everything else in life) she felt that they were lucky together. Whether she deserved the job or whatever she wanted was just a detail to Girl B because wanting it was all that counted. When Girl B got the news that the job was not hers to have it did not occur to her that she was turned down for it because she wasn't "good enough" for it. Girl B would put the blame on the "idiots" at the company. They were wrong and they would be sorry.
Girl B went through the next few years of her life continuing to look at the world that way. If she wanted an apartment but didn't get it, then she would decide that it was the mistake of the people renting. If she was tight on money she would run to her parents. Girl B would continue to look at her parents as the answer to all her problems. After all, they were the ones that made her too good for the world around her and they should be the ones to fix any problems she ran into.
Whether it ever occurs to Girl B that life is NOT out to get her and that she is not the only one who needs, wants or deserves things, is a mystery. We have to imagine that in some way she finally figures it out because parents die, people grow tired and weary of selfish people and life goes on. Even if her parents leave her money , their home or all the riches she was used to in their will , there are whole other parts of life that have nothing to do with wealth. Men, careers, friends and each and every layer of each of these interpersonal relationships need give and take and a person who does not expect everyone to treat her like she is the only girl in the world. Girl B will ruin almost every relationship she has because she will expect too much of people while giving nothing of herself. She will want them to see her as perfect except when she makes allows herself to see that she's made a mistake and then she will expect her friends or lover to forgive that mistake no matter how big or awful...
Girl B will not change over night, if she changes at all. After all, she has had 20 plus years of being taught that the world is hers and that she can have or do what she wants...It will be an extremely painful and awful lesson that will present itself over and over again with no pause. The truth is, Girl B was never lucky to be Girl B...She was robbed of reality and set up for constant failure. It will be up to Girl B to learn the truth of life and to stop playing the victim. While it's true that life that can be cruel, it does not pick favorites. It is unfair to all at one point or another. Some people get "lucky" and get more crap than good in life but it's not personal. That is the truth that is the hardest to learn.
I am Girl B. Unlike her though, it was not wealth, beauty or being spoiled with materialistic things that caused my own realistic view of the world. Wait, I take that back! I was spoiled...It may not have been to the point or cost that "girl B" is or was but anytime a parent gives more to a child than is in their means to, it is spoiling a child. Still, while my "unrealistic" look of the world is different than that of "Girl B" the result is the same. And let me say here and now that to spite our parents spoiling us, neither Girl B nor I have anyone to blame but ourselves.
This is the first moment, the very first writing and the beginning steps of real self awareness for me. Over time and with the written word, I will retrace my footsteps back to the days of youth and to figure out where I ended up....
For now I will state the obvious~ I am 39 years old. I have no friends outside of people I've met on face book and my fiance Jesse and kids. Not that those people aren't enough because I am very lucky to have each and every one of them including the amazing people I've met online. Still, I seem to have alienated my entire family including my own Grandmother, aunts and my once Best friend of 20 plus years, Jennifer. People who were by my side when Mom passed away 4 years ago are no longer answering my phone calls and one has even "un-friended" me on face book. I am figuring out only now that I have to be the murderer of my own happiness and the only one responsible for my own undoing.
I will continue to write here and finally be honest with myself about my life. If you are someone who I've done wrong or who I owe an apology to please know that I am working on getting there. On a side note, I cannot take the responsibility for every death of a relationship....While I've pushed many people away because of fear? selfishness? mistakes, there are a tiny few that I've pushed away on purpose because my own mental health was becoming diseased. Then again, I am here writing to figure out where I went wrong and what I was going on in my head that caused my issues, so who knows what I will figure out even with the people who were causing me pain.
I hope starting today that with this outlet to write and with my need to cut through my own mental crap that I will do damage control with my friends and family or at least make sure I "fix" my broken mind so I can be sure not to lose anyone else.
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