Family Feuds

When I look back on my relationships with my brother and especially my sister, I cannot remember a time where things felt right. Especially for me and my sister, when we weren't arguing, or worse, ignoring one another, we were judging each other for mistakes that often, were made by both of us at one time or another. My sister and I  just don't get along and the harder it seems that we try, the worse it gets. I've had to come to terms with the fact that we cannot be friends. I would give her a kidney if she needed it but I can't give a few hours of my day because the stress and arguments that will follow will be worse than just being silent.

Now that my brother is out, I am finding myself wanting to spend time with people who remember our beloved Mom. Since Mom's death and my Dads health being compromised by strokes and diabetes,  it means more than ever to have a good relationship with my sister and brother. I just don't want anymore drama. I don't want to sit here sharing my day, my desires and all my real and honest feelings only to have her smile in my face then turn around and use it against me when she wants to hurt me. But wow, does my heart hurt when I think of Mom is looking down on us, shaking her head because we just can't see past the hurt we've caused one another.Still nothing hurts more than the feeling that my sister and I should know the feeling of unconditional and real love between each other but that it's just not there.Not that I don't love her with all of my heart, cause I do. And not that I wouldn't forgive her even the worst mistakes, because I have. But together, we do not share a relationship that is respectful of both our positive AND negative characteristics. Is it that we are each others worst critics? And if so, why? Why is it that in one moment her words can bring me up more than anyone else's but in the next they can be my undoing?

Someday maybe I will figure it out and then, and only then once I've learned to control it, can we be the sisters and friends we've always wanted to be....I hope. 

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