Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

~There's a voice in me calling out to be heard. It was born when I was first molested as a young child and has been building with time. The voice once like an animal scratching at its cage, is now hollering in need to be heard. Wisdom has been growing slowly but very strong in all the pain. Its always there-the words in me and I don't always know what I am going to say. Yet with  pen or keyboard in hand that voice finally feels free to tell my story. Not always backed by enough years at school, my voice can lose strength at times  but where I might lack the easiness at what words I should choose, I never lack the honesty or the sincerity of what has happened to this body, and in turn, my heart and mind, Yes, I too fear judgment from my readers but know that anyone who comes to this place for the right reasons will not walk away questioning why they came. There cannot be any judge of someone's experience with being molested.  ~Why was I molested as a 7 year old? Why wa...

In Massachusetts in order to get a divorce if you have kids under 18 you have to take a parenting class. I took the class a year ago today. It cost $80 and was about 4 hours long.I cannot file divorce papers until my husband does his part.Its been a year yet my husband has NOT signed up or done anything to take the class.Just like when I was with him for the 15 years, my life is being controlled by him..Time to ask the courts to light a fire under his a$$ so I can move on finally.

To spite what I believed for so many years and through one failed relationship after another, it can be so easy to put someone out of your life after a break up...That is unless you two have kids together.  Even though you no longer live together in the same house and there may be animosity and hurt between you, two people who have kids need to find a way passed their own emotions in order to co-parent. I thought it would be easy. After all, my ex and I were brought us similarly with many of the same house rules and values so what would change. I never even fathomed any part of parenting from different houses would be difficult...Until he met "her" and she got his claws in him. Whether he has let go of all of our shared promises out of anger for me leaving him (like our kids going to an out of area school and dealing with the work that comes along with it in order to give our kids a smaller and more safe education), or because its not what his girlfriend wants, my ex has sud...

O.k. God, or Kharma, or whatever out there has me stuck in one place (and so many of my friends too)...I have been without my freedom and ability to be a carefree Mom who can take her kids to the dr, to the movies and even to school...I have been without my car ~or any car for that matter ~for over 2 months. Now,the car I was driving was not some expensive thing nor did I get it cause someone else bought it for me. I worked hard to have it, to make the payments and I kept it well. I never complained that I wanted bigger,better or more.One day you decided to let some unlicensed driver slam into my boyfriend while he was on his way to work.He was badly hurt.I was already in the hospital because I lack insurance to take care of a stupid tooth that ended up almost taking my life.Now I have no car,no money no matter how much I save(because every time I save a thousand for a down payment a surprise bill for double that comes our way.) Jesse is forever stuck with no ride home,my friends have...

So much in me to say~ Thoughts like strings of lights to untangle  and light up. First I must choose the perfect words... For they are the very clothes my ideas need  in order to be conveyed. Those words, so beautiful and oh so many! Which ones do I pick? Like stars in the sky, my finger points to them~ This one... No! That one! Which ones will light up my thoughts the brightest and stay burning so that in a light year  they will still mean what I say? So little time to travel, to drink from the days and nights  the sweet or tart emotions life lends me... To take it all in like a photographer- My eyes the camera. My pen the reporter, the paper my film. To live breathlessly, without apology or fear and then to pause for just a mere few minutes to create pages full  of these glowing emotions~ So much love and angst and hope rumbling, buzzing and popping inside. Some days I...

Often I spend time looking out the window at people coming and going or I sit watching a TV show of people living normal lives and I think that I want to do that...I want to live again. If I had a car, I reason, I would go out more... If I had some extra money then I would finally be able to do the things I want with Jesse and the kids~Movies, the beach, shopping, traveling,etc...Or just going to a doctors appointment or other place I am supposed to go as a parent, person or Stacy. Then I realize, Stacy-you did have a car, you had enough money to go shopping or go to the movies or do whatever it is you are daydreaming about now yet you didn't do anything. You lacked the self esteem and braveness to walk out your own door.  Back in 2008 you ceased living and went into a coma. Mom's death, the realization that your 14 year marriage was dead and that the kids weren't forever going to need you... Or maybe, I wonder, did I wake from the cocoon, the lie, where before Mo...