Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

If you have read my blog you know that I suffer with anxiety. Often times it has been so crippling that I have gone without leaving my house for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. Agoraphobia is the official term for what I have. When I have gone a day or two without going anywhere, the many symptoms of agoraphobia take over me. Then the time will come when inevitably I am called out, whether because my kids needed me or I needed something from the outside world. Suddenly I am taken over with rapid heartbeat, sweating, dizziness and I can't catch my breath. This  anxiety attack  is what keeps me from going out to begin with because when it happens I lose control over myself, body and mind.  But no matter what you call it,  it's overwhelming, controlling and very scary. It's like every bit of self-esteem and confidence I've ever had goes out of me like the air of a popped balloon. I am happy to say that it has been almost a year since I've allowed my...

Wow,  as I was going through Face Book I came across your profile. Suddenly it occurred to me that I once knew you. I haven't thought about you in a very long time. My memory of you is almost like a misplaced, out of focus snapshot that I come across in the couch cushions while looking for something else. There you were with all the crumbs. I spent a good 5 minutes trying to make sense of who you were. It was like staring at a picture of someone I know that I should recognize and having that general feeling that you were a real a$$ but still not putting a name to the face. The more I stared the more I remembered the person in the image being a jerk..And then Bam! I remember! You were a Jerk!! But I couldn't specifically remember why so that is when I go into my journal to refresh my memory.  You did earn a few pages there. Nothing very interesting though, I promise. A waste of paper now that I've read it...All that I wrote about was about you being arrogant, thoug...

She has yet to let anyone in... Has welcomed them to her world,  gave them her everything but not her heart... Never her heart. She has a way of always keeping them  close enough to feel her love yet never deep within to allow herself to feel theirs . She cries in the night even with their supportive arms around her. She doesn't know that they love her more than she could ever believe. Yet sadly if she did realize she would run straight back into his arms because she feels safer in the tight, choking hold of his abuse than in the wide open, sunshine~flooded space of true Love. Like a fool she hungers for that control he takes from her~ For that abuse because its all that she has known, all she has breathed into her soul for so long. He won't challenge or leave her. He won't ask for her heart. Like the dark she can count on him . But the sunshine she cannot. Why can't she let real love in? The one who loves her...

I think I have yet to really open up to love.  I often feel like I am putting a great big hole between myself and the man I love because I am very afraid of what giving myself totally will cost me.  I have had 3 serious relationships and in the first two I was always afraid I would be left behind when things got tough. Sure enough I was. So how do I trust this 3rd and hopefully, final relationship? How do I completely give myself and my love to another man when I have lost so much already? I don't think I even know what giving all of myself means.  Maybe it means not pulling away first when we embrace. Or maybe its not being the first person to say its over when we argue. I honestly don't know how to give into the fall because I have spent most of my life trying to control the things around me.  People were never something I tried to control because I knew that I couldn't love someone who would allow another to control them.  What if I totally let go and I gi...

When he touches me its often very unnerving. Whether it's done lovingly or rough I become paralyzed by it and my insides begin to quake. I feel my body go rigid, my mouth dries and I see clean,black and white cartoon images turn dirty and messy in my mind.  Often I try to let him do it, whether its to grab my butt or breast or to run his fingers over my arm.  I know that if I pull away his innocent action will become something bigger and closer to what it really is to me . He will either be hurt and stop all together or feel like he's being joked with and come back with more poking and prodding. Eventually I am going to have to accept and get through his pinching and twisting so, I argue to myself, why not now? This is the man I love, that I want to be with forever so how can I feel anything but good when he touches me? I was about 7 when I learned this trick.  I honestly didn't know anymore about my own body at that age than the fact that my body was just...

The time has come...No matter how much anxiety I have, no matter how badly leaving my house makes my want to vomit, I have to work. I understand that being out of the work world for the past 3 years is not exactly a great candidate for a job-especially one in the career I am educated in-but I am willing to work at almost any place while I get my feet wet again. But what do I do when I've applied everywhere and have had NO luck? Supposedly I am over-qualified for some jobs yet under-experienced for the ones I know and am educated in. Still, I am not setting my sights as high as I did back pre-agoraphobia. I would love to work at Yankeecandle.com  Wal-mart.com  Target.com or deliver pizza for Dominospizza.com  I am NOT picky at this point.  I need to just get into something to get moving.  I will take a job at a convenience store or an office. So what does a person do when they simply can't find a job? That's why I am here. If I can wri...

"I'm not sure how to live." She said. The words came out from her mouth so easily but hung in the air and stuck in my head  like caught up in the branches of a tree. "I'm not sure I even want to bother..." She might as well have said she hated me and used the edge of those very words to cut my wrists and my throat.I couldn't breathe.  Suddenly the air inside me got snagged and thickened like jelly in my lungs. "I don't have anything to fight for.  I am tired and I want to go." And with those words  everything was dislocated~ The hopeful words the doctor had just said to us~ "We'll do a surgery and implant a defibrillator to help her heart if it stops again The unit will shock  and restart her heart." The words were now fragments  of a broken promise- Hope,~broken and twisted and laying in pieces at my feet. My one reason ...

All I ever wanted I saw in your blue yet something there was making reaching you like touching the moon. Its never going to be enough for you. I was never going to fit into the space you put aside. I needed more...a touch, a smile. You only had shards of time left for me. I needed to not only be in your heart but feel apart of you. Yet you kept pushing no matter how much I pulled you to me. All I ever wanted  was too much and yet never enough, Always falling short, always just one more step.... When was I ever going to be good enough for you? I hope you find that love, I hope you discover what you need. I know that I couldn't live happily always being almost  nearly hardly your love. 10-23-2011

Since a few years ago I have been in a very deep emotional sleep...I don't tend to feel very up or down. Often when I am happy I find myself pulling back so I don't get too excited and when I get sad I don't feel all the emotions that I used to. It's often very frustrating, like being on the verge of jumping into a pool but pulling back just as the time to give into the fall pulls. Honestly, I miss feeling those highs and lows because without them I feel like I am in a limbo-like state. When I finally took steps to leave my husband...or should I say, when I finally stopped pretending everything was OK and  my actions brought on the steps to end us, it was as if I was planning for a simple break...A vacations of sorts.  I didn't let myself truly calculate the cost of  leaving him. Of course I knew that we would no longer be together but until it happened I didn't get how it would affect us but more importantly the kids. It's funny how suddenly you st...

I am feeling very lonely, scared, unsure of my future and not too sure there will be a future. Whenever I try to "see" past the next few months its all black....I have never felt like that before. No matter how depressed I've been I have had the ability to see hope and a plan for the coming years. I want to get out of my house and my head and go to work but I don't know how to leave the house. I have applied for job after job on line but can't find a way to walk into a place and do the same thing I do on line...Filling out an application...How hard can it be? Then even the possibility of one of those jobs calling me in for a meeting...OMG, it makes my stomach hurt..Just thinking about an interview and then, if I get a job, the training, makes my heart start banging in my chest and my skin start to sweat. I can't breathe... I can't breathe.... I can't figure out anymore how to live. It doesn't even make me sad anymore. It just makes me feel aw...