Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

So frightened to fall in love. I'd rather fall from a window sill then the ledge his smile is dragging me toward... Rather have pain in my entire body than feel that glorious warmth and safeness that he has placed in my heart with his words. Every time he breathes my name, and every single time he doesn't I go from happy to sad and back again. I am losing the fight, the war my heart is raging against my body. God,give me the strength,~ The ability to withstand the way I melt into slush and puddles at his feet. I would rather drown in a lake full of water than spend another second bathing in the pools of his eyes. I am a fool sitting here smiling every time his face flits through my memory. I want to take that image and lock it up, No~Tear it up! Burn it. His presence has a hold over me and is keeping me tied to his wrists, his lips,his.... No more! I would rather cry... Rather be alone and lonely than to ever tell him how I've loved hi...

~I think we all have heard that research has proved that babies feel loved more when a parent gently rubs their back,stomach or massages their arms and legs.To a baby who is put into a NICU (unit for babies born prematurely with breathing and/or other problems), interaction with their parent(s) is vital to their self-esteem, feelings of security and all future intimate relationships. A baby that is not loved, touched,hugged and kissed is most likely to suffer problems interacting through their lives.That is why doctors and nurses especially encourage parents to hug, snuggle or gently rub their babies skin.The human touch for a baby is as important as food; it's nourishment to a growing soul to be touched and to be loved. So why would it be any different to that soul as we become even older? Touch is communication without words. If someone wants to show a friend that they care often the first thing most people want to do is hug them. When people on line want to reach out to another ...

Yesterday I met someone who is a lot like me. She has suffered much of the same abuse and self-doubt through her life. Reading her words was like reading my own. I wanted to ease her pain, to tell her that things would get better and that she was going to surely find a way through this dark,deep depression...And I realized as I wrote those words to her, as I said what I could to try to comfort my new friend, that I was also trying to comfort myself . And like she said as I myself have said so many times before, no one else can make another human feel better or make the future look like something worthy of the time and people and the parts of oneself they have lost~No one else in this entire world can take the pain,the loss and the sadness away, It is all in our own hands to find away to fight through the constant destruction and mess that is our hurt to find the light of hope. And there it is...The truth. I have been reaching out for someone, anyone, to hold onto. I've been looki...

It's sad because as I've sat here this weekend anytime I talk I;ve found my husband not paying any attention.Too busy watching tv or talking about his job,he has no interest in what I have to say anymore. When that is the way things have become there seems to be no hope. I am already feeling alone. The loss of my beloved family member,my cat Skylar,has rocked my already shaky world. I think I might have only felt the loss but because I haven't really dealt with Mom's death plus relationships that have come to be lost with no closure,Skylar dying in my arms made me a mess all over. What do I do now? The man that I thought would always love me and never take me for granted is off in his own world.If he's not working he is sleeping or watching television. Not that I don't understand his need to "get away" from reality, but what am I to do when no matter how hard I try to hold on he is putting more effort into emptying out the DVR's content then tr...

I've been so afraid to live that I am not~So scared of messing up anything I do that I do nothing.Is it the agoraphobia or depression that keeps me from stepping out into the world.That's easy,right? No,I don't think I'd let the agoraphobia run my life if it weren't for the deep and overwhelming depression. I used to work. Not just work but run a home for people,making important day to day decisions and helping people to stay clean. Now I wouldn't trust myself to give advice to anyone. Where did my self esteem go? Not so long ago I was working,shopping,keeping the house,paying the bills,playing with the kids,writing poetry and meeting with friends.Now the idea of doing any two of those things together in the same day not only scares but exhausts me.I don't sleep at night.Like a guard I wait for the next sound, the out of the ordinary noise,thinking I will be awake if anyone tries to break in. Then in the daytime while the kids are safely away at school I s...

If your eyes drank my words I hope your heart took a sip too. I've lost sight of the truth somewhere and let my pride take the lead. If you came here to read then there's hope inside you too. You know what your heart feels, I cannot make you return nor do I want you to unless its what you want, what you hope for. All I've ever known how to do is to put my heart out there, write it in blood, then protect it when someone might truly care. Now at this very moment I realize that was where I went wrong. You have made me see myself from afar. Suddenly every word needs reason~ I cannot tell you what that means to me. If I could go back and choose my words so carefully I think our outcome might have been different. I took the words and spoke from my heart without giving voice to the reality of it all. I took my words and you for granted. Now I say what I mean. You've taught me that. It was a difficult lesson to learn because the lesson was losing you...

I cannot remember the last time I felt a real smile pull my lips from this frown... Cannot recall the last time I laughed for real so hard that my stomach hurt from it. It's been so long since hope visited me. Like a bird it used to wing itself tired when you were here with me... Now, it lays limp and sad and whimpers. I haven't felt the sizzle of wonder nor the explosion of happiness that I once did at the mere sight of you. When you went away from me, when you left me for "My own good" I lost all reason. Why did you come find me and make me love you if you were never going to stay? You were not willing to put your own heart on the edge so I could rescue it for you. Yet you were willing to let me put mine there, to let me hurt, let me feel the pain of love and loss... All I gave only to find that you were never even going to try. This is the flower of hope that you planted and cultivated here in the barren soil that once was my garden... ...