~ My Best Friend ~

Imagine, after a life of not being understood~
20 plus years of feeling only halfheartedly loved
you finally meet your best friend.
She was always there
but it took your own growth
and seeing the other side of what she had endured
to realize she was the friend you needed.
You talked to her about everything
and she shared her own worst fears
and heartache
along with her happiness.
Then one day the call came~
In one moment your best friend is gone.
She's breathed her last "I love you"~
Words you never got to hear.
You wonder how long 
she laid there dying
alone.
Alone without anyone.
That haunts you more than anything.
You buried her in her most favorite dress.
Her beauty transcended even death's grasp.
As you watched them close her casket
she was all at once gone...
And so went your faith,
your belief that loving her would keep her healthy
and that being a good person
would bring long lives to all you love.
Gone was her smile,
her heart
and her voice that carried her encouraging
words straight to your heart.
You'll never hear that voice again~
Not to say your name or to tell you hello.
And with her death all her burdens in life
have fallen on your own shoulders.
Suddenly eyes were on you
looking for you to be the support
that she was so good at being.
Before you can even try though
you know you will never have her gift.
So you fall inward and shut out the world.

Days go on..
Before you realize it, months have piled on.
Your heart never mends~
The stitches pull and rip open
and the gap that she left in your heart feels fresh.
Time steals itself,
and plays hide and seek in the seasons
and in the holidays.
Before you know it
its been years since you had to say goodbye to her.
...and Just as long since you opened your door
or heart to the world.
Now as you move far away from home,
it hurts your heart to realize
that she is not just gone in the flesh,
but you cannot visit the last place you saw her...

Dear God, I cry out, My best friend is gone...
I had just found her...
Just barely got to know her
as a person and not "just" a mother.
I was just hearing her voice, her heart
and feeling her real feelings for me
outside being her daughter
for the first time
but now... she is gone.
I will never again be able to hold her
or to hear her heart beating.
I can't call her when my own heart is broken
or run to tell her when at last something I want has happened.
In one day, on one February afternoon
as I lay napping
she left this world...
She left me.
But all I can think and what I realize in these real moments
is that I let her down.
I wasn't there when at last she needed me.
As the woman who gave me life
and the best laughter and love I've ever known,
she breathed her last breath.

Promise me nothing, please.
But if there is a Heaven
(and I have to have faith that there is),
I know she is the angel there
that she was right here on this earth.
I pray that the rest of us can join her~
We are all so empty without her
and nothing can fill or fix that loss.
Best friends are not easily replaceable...
especially when they are also your Mom.


Copyright © 2013 Stacy J. French~Roosa