I Want To Feel Again....

I can see now in the ugly and honest light of day
that I was never in love with him. Or am I?
I do love him,  yes...like a friend...I suppose.
I Love him, sure...
Like an abused puppy who loves a man because he loves her~
because I know somewhere deep inside
that someone as useless as me should take hold of whatever love I can get.
....because I truly feel too ugly inside and out to deserve love.
Pull the shades, blacken out the light.
Damn it, I cannot stand the sunlight...
He would sit here in the dark with me
as long as I like
but urge me into the light eventually.
But my breath does not hitch and catch at his sight
nor does my heart or stomach or toes feel anything
that love poems romanticize about.
Is it him? 
Is it  possible that he is simply but very sadly not the one?
Or is is me?
Me....
Am I too broken to put together enough of myself
to love another human being?
Me, 
as selfish as the wind doing what it might
and too damaged to know the difference 
between a man loving me
or one owning
and abusing me.
What if I've promised my heart to him
without even owning it myself?
What if night after night we go on side by side
in bed untouching and without passion
that most lovers try to tame?
because when I kiss him my lips are present
 but my heart is not?
Alone and lonely.
Forever doomed to be alone?
Once an ex said so...
He said with words as heavy as my doubt
that I would never be happy,
never find love
because I am unable to give all of myself to it.

I don't know anything about love so I borrow my emotions
from books and films...and from the songs I listen to over and over.
Will I ever really know, rather Feel, love?
Will he stay around waiting for me to find it?

 I just don't know why he'd bother...


Copyright © 2013 Stacy J. French~Roosa

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