Narration of My Life Growing up...
This is just a way to get out my feelings....All of the following is true but just in no real format...
Imagine this, you are born into a family..You have a Mom and a Dad, one sister and one brother. You are the middle child. Sounds normal...One day when you are around 11 your father tells you that you are his favorite. Imagine, you'd be torn right? On one hand you are thrilled that he feels that way but on the other you feel guilty that you are somehow treated differently than your siblings. But then you look back over your short but real life and you realize that being his favorite only means that he hates you less than the other 2. That is not saying much.
He hates when you eat.
The hates the way you eat.
How you breathe through your nose when you eat.
When you talk at the table during dinner.
When you talk anywhere in the house where he may be.
When you hurt yourself . How dare you trip!
How dare you bleed.
Are you still here?
When are you going to move out already?
He hates that you have a cold
He hates the noise you make when you sniff because of your cold
He hates the noise you make when blowing your nose.
Is that your "stuff"? Get it out of my living room/kitchen/bathroom...sight. Everything goes in your room!
He hates that the phone rings.
He hates when you call anyone.
He doesn't talk on the phone EVER but gets angry if you are hogging phone time.
Can't you watch tv/study/BE in your room (always). Why do I still see you?
Now, imagine you are my brother. You are the oldest and you are not worth of his love.Yelling, screaming. I wish you were never born. (Thank God I am his favorite.) He tells your brother he hates him (I want to protect my brother. I wish I wasn't his favorite.)
He adores your mother. He buys her diamonds and pearls...Anything she wants. A new car for her every year. Make sure she has the best, most safest vehicle. You realize that he is obviously able to love. Why doesn't he love us though??
Mom who now works, spends all the time she can at work. Sometimes she isn't home till 3 or 4 in the morning. If I want anything outside of bread or water I have to call her on the phone. When Mom is home she spends her time reading or sleeping. She's tired from work. But when Dad hates us in front of her Mom asks us to keep it down, "don't annoy dad"..."do whatever you can to make him happy", "Why do you have to argue, eat, breathe in front of your father? Can't you just be good?"
I hear people whisper that Mom would be much better off without Dad. This angers me. I stick up for Dad. I feel guilt for making him mad or for being mad at him. I cry when Mom feels pain. I want to take away everyone's pain, everyone's suffering. I spend winter days going in and out of the house giving our rabbits fresh, unfrozen water. 5....6....7 times I go out a day. I cry when its freezing. I cry when its too hot. I cry when anyone cries.
As I grow up I ask for plates and flat ware, pots and pans for Christmas. I can't wait to move.I feel guilt for feeling that way. When I graduate high school I meet a girl at work who has an extra room. Yes I will take it. Why not? Sure, I've known her all of 10 minutes but it has to be better than be hated at home.
WOW, a place where I am free to eat, breathe, sniff when I have a cold, leave a coat out on the chair or a book on the coffee table. I feel an emptiness no matter how I try to fill it will food, it won't go away. I miss my Mom and my Dad. I miss the hate.
39 years old now. I just NEED everyone to like me. Why don't YOU like me I wonder. Or you? I will do ANYTHING to be liked! I wonder why? One day after being judged based on my finances rather than myself I look around and I realize that my life has been built on unlevel blocks of validation. My world is teetering and threatening to fall each time I am unliked or given criticism....
Today I've knocked them all down. I am starting from the ground up. If you don't like me I will still care, but I will learn not to. I will make myself look at Myself for what I need. I start with the man that started it all. I HATE how you made me question my very being Dad with your constant criticisms and anger.. I hate how you allowed Dad to screw with my very being MOM and then expected me to like it. I HATE how you allowed others to make you this way STACY. Now, stop blaming everyone and get to the reason for why you came. FORGIVE AND FORGET.
I need some time but this time Its on MY TIME. Not YOURS>
Imagine this, you are born into a family..You have a Mom and a Dad, one sister and one brother. You are the middle child. Sounds normal...One day when you are around 11 your father tells you that you are his favorite. Imagine, you'd be torn right? On one hand you are thrilled that he feels that way but on the other you feel guilty that you are somehow treated differently than your siblings. But then you look back over your short but real life and you realize that being his favorite only means that he hates you less than the other 2. That is not saying much.
He hates when you eat.
The hates the way you eat.
How you breathe through your nose when you eat.
When you talk at the table during dinner.
When you talk anywhere in the house where he may be.
When you hurt yourself . How dare you trip!
How dare you bleed.
Are you still here?
When are you going to move out already?
He hates that you have a cold
He hates the noise you make when you sniff because of your cold
He hates the noise you make when blowing your nose.
Is that your "stuff"? Get it out of my living room/kitchen/bathroom...sight. Everything goes in your room!
He hates that the phone rings.
He hates when you call anyone.
He doesn't talk on the phone EVER but gets angry if you are hogging phone time.
Can't you watch tv/study/BE in your room (always). Why do I still see you?
Now, imagine you are my brother. You are the oldest and you are not worth of his love.Yelling, screaming. I wish you were never born. (Thank God I am his favorite.) He tells your brother he hates him (I want to protect my brother. I wish I wasn't his favorite.)
He adores your mother. He buys her diamonds and pearls...Anything she wants. A new car for her every year. Make sure she has the best, most safest vehicle. You realize that he is obviously able to love. Why doesn't he love us though??
Mom who now works, spends all the time she can at work. Sometimes she isn't home till 3 or 4 in the morning. If I want anything outside of bread or water I have to call her on the phone. When Mom is home she spends her time reading or sleeping. She's tired from work. But when Dad hates us in front of her Mom asks us to keep it down, "don't annoy dad"..."do whatever you can to make him happy", "Why do you have to argue, eat, breathe in front of your father? Can't you just be good?"
I hear people whisper that Mom would be much better off without Dad. This angers me. I stick up for Dad. I feel guilt for making him mad or for being mad at him. I cry when Mom feels pain. I want to take away everyone's pain, everyone's suffering. I spend winter days going in and out of the house giving our rabbits fresh, unfrozen water. 5....6....7 times I go out a day. I cry when its freezing. I cry when its too hot. I cry when anyone cries.
As I grow up I ask for plates and flat ware, pots and pans for Christmas. I can't wait to move.I feel guilt for feeling that way. When I graduate high school I meet a girl at work who has an extra room. Yes I will take it. Why not? Sure, I've known her all of 10 minutes but it has to be better than be hated at home.
WOW, a place where I am free to eat, breathe, sniff when I have a cold, leave a coat out on the chair or a book on the coffee table. I feel an emptiness no matter how I try to fill it will food, it won't go away. I miss my Mom and my Dad. I miss the hate.
39 years old now. I just NEED everyone to like me. Why don't YOU like me I wonder. Or you? I will do ANYTHING to be liked! I wonder why? One day after being judged based on my finances rather than myself I look around and I realize that my life has been built on unlevel blocks of validation. My world is teetering and threatening to fall each time I am unliked or given criticism....
Today I've knocked them all down. I am starting from the ground up. If you don't like me I will still care, but I will learn not to. I will make myself look at Myself for what I need. I start with the man that started it all. I HATE how you made me question my very being Dad with your constant criticisms and anger.. I hate how you allowed Dad to screw with my very being MOM and then expected me to like it. I HATE how you allowed others to make you this way STACY. Now, stop blaming everyone and get to the reason for why you came. FORGIVE AND FORGET.
I need some time but this time Its on MY TIME. Not YOURS>
Did we grow up with the same father, different homes? I, too, am a middle child and I was told I was his favorite (when I was in my 30's). OMG his FAVORITE?? My "princess" sister could do no wrong. Even when she got pregnant at 17 it was my fault. Everything was my fault. The verbal, mental and physical abuse was so painful, I still carry it with me. I, too, seek everyone's approval, I so want to be loved, hell, even liked by everybody, SOMEBODY. The pain, even today is so raw, I really don't know how I was able to raise my children, much less have grandchildren. I;m so sorry you went through this. I KNOW what you are feeling. I have 3 brothers (2 are just like yours) and 2 sisters (and 3 1/2 sisters, 1 of which lived with us). You are a godsend to all of us and your writing helps others to know they are NOT alone!! Thank you my dear special friend!
ReplyDeleteStacy what a break thru congratulations!!!
ReplyDelete