~Filling in the Blanks Of My Memory~
No matter how many new friends I make I do not feel complete without the friendships from my childhood and on that have helped to build and break me along the way The people I have met recently are amazing, loving and giving people...Most would do anything for me and I am lucky to have each and everyone of them. I look forward to long, great friendships with them but that is where my hope fails me. My heart is aching because my past and present are like strangers.While I have dozens of people I still know and talk to from the past, I don't have many who I was close to then and am close to now, who just know me for who I have always been. I don't have to explain myself to them. They have memories of a Stacy before my onset of anxiety and depression and they know what to expect of me when I get back on track to getting better.It really is like missing pieces of a puzzle that is my life...What does it mean that my life is absent of a past filled with friendship? How can I be sure that new friendships will continue and that they won't end the same way?
What kind of life is it if I cannot trust or believe that I will be able to form and maintain real relationships that will withstand time and or distance? There should be nothing that can break the arms of friendship when both people give...Yet I sit here needing to talk, to feel the comforting words of a friend and yet can think of very few people I can call to open up and lay out what is inside of me and trust that they won't judge me.
One friend is in Florida. She is amazing. There is no doubt in my mind that I can trust her. She has always been someone who I can trust 100 percent. I love her to death and always will. She was there for me at a time when I was breaking apart. I was 17 and had lost my virginity and,once again my trust of men, She was there at the very moment I was being raped and tried so hard to help me while other "friends" held her back.Already dealing with the after affects of my childhood molestation, I started to think that it was my fault for all the pain I was suffering with. My friend was there for me no matter what.
Another friend I've had and would hope to still be able to trust I have known since I was 2. I was lucky enough to find and talk to on face book recently. It was as if no time had passed as me reminisced about our childhood. She called me on the phone soon after. We had no problem holding a conversation.. By the way she talked to me about me it was hard to swallow all she was saying. "You are the only friend that I could ever trust" "I want you in my life and promise me you will never go away again," "You are such a beautiful and wonderful person." The way she went on and on about me you would have thought I was a celebrity. Yet I truly think that she was missing the friendship we once had but that in her mind she had blown me up to mean more in the absence of our relationship. Either way I thought I had gained our 35 year friendship back. That was 3 months ago. I haven't heard from her since.
My other friend and I haven't spoken in...what is it now...6 months? We argued over the way her family member had treated me.After 15 years I was sick and tired of feeling like I was crap to him and at the mercy of his talking down to me and making rude comments so one day as he was making a rude and vulgar gesture at me I decided enough was enough. It was in the midst of me losing my car, finding out I would have no transportation and that I would have to beg, borrow and steal it and my husband was not being the most helpful father to our 2 kids. I believe she was annoyed with the way I gave my husband chances over and over again. Maybe she felt like I had no spine and didn't agree with my feeling that if I stood up to my ex and told him to go away till he got his sh#t together that the kids would lose their dad altogether. Anyway, it was my mistake to make. Anyway, I finally said I had had enough of his being rude to me. I guess she felt compelled to take sides even after I tried to make light of my anger. (As usual...I stand up for myself only to underplay and make little of my own feelings to make the other person feel better.) Except for an e-mail from her inviting my kids to her kids Birthday party I have not heard a word from her. Even when we talked via e-mail about the situation in the next few days following her family members action, I could tell that I was doing her a favor by not fighting for our friendship...Its all about me, she said...Its always my problems, my stories,etc...Funny though since I can remember when her world was shaken up all we talked about was her...I didn't keep score though...I just let it be what it was.Friendship,to me, isn't about who has asked for the most time or advice because sadly the other person will someday need that time and advice back...So if it was all about me as she said, I'm sorry. My life was falling apart, changing, and I had just made the huge decision to leave my husband which had created so much drama everywhere...She was my friend and not his so I didn't have to feel bad about saying what I needed...Not to mention when I asked her about her she always changed the subject back to me...
Then there is some of my family who has gone...Mom's side mainly and most likely because of her death.I thought when Mom died that her family would come together to check on us kids who lost Mom. I have only heard from them a few times. While I understand that they,too,are trying to put their life back together and make sense of it without Mom, I don't know why it would be so difficult for them to call us...or to come by when they come all the way up from Florida to visit.
But no one is perfect. Most arguments are very rarely about the subject at hand but instead about some deeper, hidden issue.This friend from above who I had known for 30 years said it was because she thought the argument was really about the idea that she hadn't been paying any attention to me and that I just covered it up by getting overly upset about what her family member did. Sure, that didn't help. Here we were without a car, stuck in an apartment where getting the kids to a bus stop 10 minutes away was like pulling teeth. It was the one thing in my kids life that I didn't want to mess up...the school they went to. I wanted to keep that, at least, the same because their entire life had blown up into a huge mess when their father and I split. But my problems are my problems and no one elses. I guess that's where I am let down because if my friend doesn't have a car and I have 2 I would give them one to use. If my friend has no money and I am doing well I will, and have, given thousands to them. I can't always do it but If I can I do. Period. My friends problems are my problems. Its hard to explain because I don't expect people to give me the same back but when they just turn and run for cover of course I get upset....Upset and very confused. Why and how can she choose her family member over me? I wasn't asking her to choose anything but just to be my friend the best she could.
Then there is a man who I dated and almost married. His wife is an amazing and giving person. I know that all the help they gave us was because of her more than anything. She has a gigantic heart. Something I did---or didn't do--has caused her to become distant. Jesse would say its me, that I am imagining things...But I can tell the difference in the way she treated me before and how she is now. There is no excuse for me not doing more to thank them for letting us borrow their car for hours and sometimes days at a time.It was almost uncomfortable to take the gift because I had never knew that kind of selflessness. While I believe I would lend my car to a friend without a second thought, no one had ever done that for me.I wanted to do so much (other than refill the gas tank each time I borrowed the truck) but I am afraid my desire to do all kinds of things to thank them was overtaken by my own health issues. It was difficult enough to get all the errands done that I hadn't done in a few weeks or a month (including grocery and household shopping, getting into not just my but both the kids and Jesse's doctors and running to offices, the post office, etc. etc.) I had such plans for paying them back and poof...they were gone.
That's when I crawl back to my childhood friendships...The time where I gave so much more than I took..I liked everyone and couldn't understand if someone didn't like me. I was such a sweet person, such a people pleaser that I must have seemed like a spineless young girl. People took advantage of me so much that I started to hide away. I began to think that I could not win...Even now it makes no sense why I didn't see it...If I open my heart completely I get used and abused and If I close it just enough to not be taken I appear to be selfish. I can't win. I can't find the right mixture of giving and receiving.
Just before I started to write this I emailed a childhood friend. She is a friend I know will not judge me. I asked her to help me fill in the blanks. So often I let my low self esteem take over and fill in the questions with negativity...I find that instead of seeing things for what they were that I decide I must have messed this or that up. I remembered her moving away just then and how we went from me being at her house almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week to not seeing her at all until we graduated. Did I do something to ruin our friendship? Did I push her away or was it bigger than me? Was it life that took her away? I have so many friendships like that where I was once invited over everyday for a year and then they were gone. Sure, we all grow up and move on and towards people who we are alike to but what kind of person am I that I was so easy to drop?
Why do I ask all this? Because if this is my life and if this is the way it is then why would I trust a new relationship? What is going to keep Jesse from leaving me one day? My husband of 15 years had NO trouble at all leaving me with our debt, in the dark and taking all the money out of our checking account so that I couldn't feed our kids...Why did he do it? Because his new girlfriend told him to. What did the 15 plus years mean to him if he could so easily step on me or worse, our kids? Is it him or is it me? And if it is him then I have met and given my heart to all the wrong people for a very long time. Because all I remember is giving and giving and when it was my time to take trying to leave more than I came with. Its me..Its him. Its her and her? Who cares. When you feel so alone that you mistrust all your relationships the blame doesn't even matter anymore.
What kind of life is it if I cannot trust or believe that I will be able to form and maintain real relationships that will withstand time and or distance? There should be nothing that can break the arms of friendship when both people give...Yet I sit here needing to talk, to feel the comforting words of a friend and yet can think of very few people I can call to open up and lay out what is inside of me and trust that they won't judge me.
One friend is in Florida. She is amazing. There is no doubt in my mind that I can trust her. She has always been someone who I can trust 100 percent. I love her to death and always will. She was there for me at a time when I was breaking apart. I was 17 and had lost my virginity and,once again my trust of men, She was there at the very moment I was being raped and tried so hard to help me while other "friends" held her back.Already dealing with the after affects of my childhood molestation, I started to think that it was my fault for all the pain I was suffering with. My friend was there for me no matter what.
Another friend I've had and would hope to still be able to trust I have known since I was 2. I was lucky enough to find and talk to on face book recently. It was as if no time had passed as me reminisced about our childhood. She called me on the phone soon after. We had no problem holding a conversation.. By the way she talked to me about me it was hard to swallow all she was saying. "You are the only friend that I could ever trust" "I want you in my life and promise me you will never go away again," "You are such a beautiful and wonderful person." The way she went on and on about me you would have thought I was a celebrity. Yet I truly think that she was missing the friendship we once had but that in her mind she had blown me up to mean more in the absence of our relationship. Either way I thought I had gained our 35 year friendship back. That was 3 months ago. I haven't heard from her since.
My other friend and I haven't spoken in...what is it now...6 months? We argued over the way her family member had treated me.After 15 years I was sick and tired of feeling like I was crap to him and at the mercy of his talking down to me and making rude comments so one day as he was making a rude and vulgar gesture at me I decided enough was enough. It was in the midst of me losing my car, finding out I would have no transportation and that I would have to beg, borrow and steal it and my husband was not being the most helpful father to our 2 kids. I believe she was annoyed with the way I gave my husband chances over and over again. Maybe she felt like I had no spine and didn't agree with my feeling that if I stood up to my ex and told him to go away till he got his sh#t together that the kids would lose their dad altogether. Anyway, it was my mistake to make. Anyway, I finally said I had had enough of his being rude to me. I guess she felt compelled to take sides even after I tried to make light of my anger. (As usual...I stand up for myself only to underplay and make little of my own feelings to make the other person feel better.) Except for an e-mail from her inviting my kids to her kids Birthday party I have not heard a word from her. Even when we talked via e-mail about the situation in the next few days following her family members action, I could tell that I was doing her a favor by not fighting for our friendship...Its all about me, she said...Its always my problems, my stories,etc...Funny though since I can remember when her world was shaken up all we talked about was her...I didn't keep score though...I just let it be what it was.Friendship,to me, isn't about who has asked for the most time or advice because sadly the other person will someday need that time and advice back...So if it was all about me as she said, I'm sorry. My life was falling apart, changing, and I had just made the huge decision to leave my husband which had created so much drama everywhere...She was my friend and not his so I didn't have to feel bad about saying what I needed...Not to mention when I asked her about her she always changed the subject back to me...
Then there is some of my family who has gone...Mom's side mainly and most likely because of her death.I thought when Mom died that her family would come together to check on us kids who lost Mom. I have only heard from them a few times. While I understand that they,too,are trying to put their life back together and make sense of it without Mom, I don't know why it would be so difficult for them to call us...or to come by when they come all the way up from Florida to visit.
But no one is perfect. Most arguments are very rarely about the subject at hand but instead about some deeper, hidden issue.This friend from above who I had known for 30 years said it was because she thought the argument was really about the idea that she hadn't been paying any attention to me and that I just covered it up by getting overly upset about what her family member did. Sure, that didn't help. Here we were without a car, stuck in an apartment where getting the kids to a bus stop 10 minutes away was like pulling teeth. It was the one thing in my kids life that I didn't want to mess up...the school they went to. I wanted to keep that, at least, the same because their entire life had blown up into a huge mess when their father and I split. But my problems are my problems and no one elses. I guess that's where I am let down because if my friend doesn't have a car and I have 2 I would give them one to use. If my friend has no money and I am doing well I will, and have, given thousands to them. I can't always do it but If I can I do. Period. My friends problems are my problems. Its hard to explain because I don't expect people to give me the same back but when they just turn and run for cover of course I get upset....Upset and very confused. Why and how can she choose her family member over me? I wasn't asking her to choose anything but just to be my friend the best she could.
Then there is a man who I dated and almost married. His wife is an amazing and giving person. I know that all the help they gave us was because of her more than anything. She has a gigantic heart. Something I did---or didn't do--has caused her to become distant. Jesse would say its me, that I am imagining things...But I can tell the difference in the way she treated me before and how she is now. There is no excuse for me not doing more to thank them for letting us borrow their car for hours and sometimes days at a time.It was almost uncomfortable to take the gift because I had never knew that kind of selflessness. While I believe I would lend my car to a friend without a second thought, no one had ever done that for me.I wanted to do so much (other than refill the gas tank each time I borrowed the truck) but I am afraid my desire to do all kinds of things to thank them was overtaken by my own health issues. It was difficult enough to get all the errands done that I hadn't done in a few weeks or a month (including grocery and household shopping, getting into not just my but both the kids and Jesse's doctors and running to offices, the post office, etc. etc.) I had such plans for paying them back and poof...they were gone.
That's when I crawl back to my childhood friendships...The time where I gave so much more than I took..I liked everyone and couldn't understand if someone didn't like me. I was such a sweet person, such a people pleaser that I must have seemed like a spineless young girl. People took advantage of me so much that I started to hide away. I began to think that I could not win...Even now it makes no sense why I didn't see it...If I open my heart completely I get used and abused and If I close it just enough to not be taken I appear to be selfish. I can't win. I can't find the right mixture of giving and receiving.
Just before I started to write this I emailed a childhood friend. She is a friend I know will not judge me. I asked her to help me fill in the blanks. So often I let my low self esteem take over and fill in the questions with negativity...I find that instead of seeing things for what they were that I decide I must have messed this or that up. I remembered her moving away just then and how we went from me being at her house almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week to not seeing her at all until we graduated. Did I do something to ruin our friendship? Did I push her away or was it bigger than me? Was it life that took her away? I have so many friendships like that where I was once invited over everyday for a year and then they were gone. Sure, we all grow up and move on and towards people who we are alike to but what kind of person am I that I was so easy to drop?
Why do I ask all this? Because if this is my life and if this is the way it is then why would I trust a new relationship? What is going to keep Jesse from leaving me one day? My husband of 15 years had NO trouble at all leaving me with our debt, in the dark and taking all the money out of our checking account so that I couldn't feed our kids...Why did he do it? Because his new girlfriend told him to. What did the 15 plus years mean to him if he could so easily step on me or worse, our kids? Is it him or is it me? And if it is him then I have met and given my heart to all the wrong people for a very long time. Because all I remember is giving and giving and when it was my time to take trying to leave more than I came with. Its me..Its him. Its her and her? Who cares. When you feel so alone that you mistrust all your relationships the blame doesn't even matter anymore.
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