What If?

Revolving through the years, never sure if I belonged or where or if I mattered.
     As long as everyone else was happy I would swallow back the wonder of "what if".
     Giving all of me, minute after minute, day after lonely day,
     yet never knowing Who I was.
     I had no feet, no arms or heart that I didn't give, lend or forsake for everyone else.
  
Everyone but me. I was some else's property-
     His wife, their Mom, her friend, their daughter, his and her sister.
    A fool, really. There was nothing left at the end of the day for me.


Giving my heart, my love, my time and my very soul...
    There was hardly scraps of time or energy for me 
    to separate and make sense of it all.
    My very heart was barren and unloved 
    by the very man who promised me forever.


Real, honest Stacy. Who is she? What does she stand for?
    I never took the time to stop and find out. And now the fear sets in. 
    What makes me happy? Sad?
    What do I need to make it through all the pain?
    When I did ask...When I finally let me the blacks and blues 
    He left on my body and heart
    I knew suddenly I deserved better. I walked away. I ran. 
    I took hold of our kid's hands and saved us!


Everyone sees me now! And their eyes judge me harshly.
     "How could she leave her husband?
     Her loving, hard-working man who wanted nothing but to make her and their kids happy?"
     Funny how they all have opinions now! Where were they when I was bleeding out my life?
     Where was their help when he disappeared within himself at my first "I love you"?
     He worked hard at everything but us. Everything but our family.
     I've given my everything to Him for most of my life only to come back 
     with empty, bruised hands
     and those mean, judging stares from people who know nothing!


Time to let go of everything in that 20 year mess...All the hurt and abuse,
     all the loneliness that kept me scrubbing our world clean
     and making me crazy with worry over our kids.
     Forget the judgmental fools, say goodbye to the guilt and the "what ifs"!
     I deserve to be cared for too.
     To finally be loved for me and not only for what I do for others.


Regret no more~ Not even another day.
    I've spent too many tears and days on that useless emotion.
    I am no longer going to amuse regret
    or move mindlessly to its dance.
    I am running towards life and I am not coming back!
   When death catches up with me
   I want to never again wonder "what if?"


~Stacy J. Roosa

Comments

Post a Comment

Have something to add?

Popular posts from this blog

Reaching out is the most difficult part

Apparently in spite of all the good things in my life I am currently caught, again, in the tight grip of depression. While I've experienced it most of my life, I can't always recognize that is has me until I'm well imprisoned by it's firm hold. One minute I'm laughing and enjoying the little things in life, the next I'm struggling with ugly, broken thoughts. And like pieces of glass in my head, the thoughts cut into the flesh and leave me bleeding only darkness. When I am in a depressive state I am not sad all the time. There isn't some large black cloud that follows me everywhere. If we are to compare it to weather, which I usually do not, I honestly feel soothed by the darkness because the sunshine is too much a reminder of what I should or could be. Depression for me is eating to try to fill the empty spaces inside. It's denying the sunshine by closing all the blinds. It's sitting at the dining room table with Jesse's family and my own dau...
Read more

~Your loss, My Gain~

Image
Okay, so its over. I wrote you an e-mail along with the blog, asked you to consider working through our problems to get back to our friendship but you have gone unseen and unheard. I should not be surprised. In fact, I should be relieved as I feel that I am the one who fought for us while you just rode the waves. I am a woman, lost at times, full of self-doubt and feelings of abandonment. Sadly, having issues like these can make maintaining a long-distance friendship hard. Even more difficult is when the other person goes along fine,it seems, but is never honest about their feelings like I believe you weren't. It's very possible that all that we went through was my fault and that I made it a mess from day one but you won't voice your emotions so how can I see anything but my side? I really wanted to see yours but I couldn't, you wouldn't let me. My last e-mail I asked you to come chat, to talk about what happened, or didn't happen, to cause me to think tha...
Read more

~ The Silencing Of An Abused Voice ~

When you go through life feeling almost everything that happens around you, it can be very difficult to separate your heart from your mind and what you feel from what you know.  Most thoughts are rooted in emotions when you feel so much.  Your perception of the world and how it views you is influenced by your own self-worth. Perhaps over feeling everything has to do with being abused~ At least for me. Sexually, mentally and physically~ All forms of abuse can eat away at the core of self worth and become so overwhelming that in time it's all one can do to not pick everything apart-even compliments-for some hidden insult. It's exhausting, to say the least, and it can put a lot of distance between yourself and others.  As if you aren't lonely enough in that dark and cold place, you become a victim of your own thoughts, doubts and worries. You feel shame for the abuse because in your heart, you wonder what you did to deserve it, to cause it. Your brain tells you that these...
Read more