~Thinking About Myself~

~There is absolutely NOTHING easy about ending a relationship. Even when you know with every fiber of your being that it is for the best that you walk away, after years of fighting for and with the person you love, of giving them everything inside of your soul until there's nothing left,of waiting on them hand and foot, having them see you at your lowest and saddest, it is heartbreaking. I don't care if you are the one walking away or being walked away on, leaving a relationship is like a death. Such a death seems to be on the horizon for me.

Still, even though I want to be happy and hopeful for the future, I can't help but feel it is all at stake if I can't end this chapter as nicely as possible. This loss like any other death of a very close person in my life needs closure. I did not go into this relationship planning to hurt anyone or to end it any time sooner than with death. Yet here I am on the edge of the end. Feet dangling in the water of tomorrow and my head and heart still trying to make sense of what happened...All the love and safety I am about to leave behind, though not the best,at least it was a sure thing. Will tomorrow be full of uncertainly? Will I be broken hearted and hurt worse or will I finally feel that love I have dreamed of?? Still,He is hurting, I am hurting and everything I do is hurting him.That breaks my heart. Every tear,all the anger and every unsaid word is ripping me apart.The questions like what did I do wrong? Why couldn't I make it work? Is it me that is the broken link?? Too much self doubt...

There is a part of me that wants to go back to the old me. Barely a few months ago I was broken and numb. I had no idea that I could feel good again nor did I believe I could find anyone who could or would care for me to spite all my flaws. I didn't know any better then. I slept all day. I was depressed and full of anxiety...I couldn't leave the house for anything. I was miserable but at least I wasn't hurting anyone. Then I hear the voices of so many telling me that I need to be happy, that I deserve to be happy.They have told me that indeed I was hurting many-my kids, the people who truly loved me and most importantly,they said, I was hurting myself by not being happy. That is always a tough thing to swallow, that the words "I" and "most importantly" can exist in the same sentence.

I have so much healing to do. I need to find my way through all this darkness and self-hatred to come out where I can live happily. I have a plan but more than that I have hope. Do you know how long its been since I have felt Hope? Its working because to spite the tears that fall even now a smile is forming....I want to be happy. God, please? Don't I deserve to be finally happy?

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