~ Taking Care ~

   Ahead of me is a great big question mark. Brought on by so many years of indecision and doing what others expected of me, I am about to make decisions that will affect so many. "Do what is best for you" they tell me."Start worrying about what you need and not what others want." Sure.I will just stop being the way I was born and begin to think about myself only. I don't know how, I am afraid to.

   And from what my therapist made me realize I am not only afraid to be alone, I am afraid to be in silence. I am forever filling up the quietness with music, tv or even drama so that I don't have to hear and deal with what is aching inside of me.When I close my eyes and turn off the world what do I hear?

   Honestly, I hear that 7 year old girl crying. She is pleading with me to stop hurting her. Asking me how I could have left her alone so many years ago and why I deny her.  I hear the questions I've always struggled with and when I couldn't answer put away with the rest. Like why me? Although so many poor kids know abuse and many have had it worse than I can even imagine, why did it happen so often to me? I don't believe that the child is ever to blame when it comes to being molested. How could they be? Even if they were to say "yes" to something happening they don't know what they are allowing. So why do I take all the blame in my own abuse? Because I was so nice to people? Because I would smile to strangers? It makes no sense. I need to find a way to let go of this anger or it will eat me up inside...Sometimes I fear it already has.

I know that now is not the time to be making big changes in my life. Its time for me to work on me and not worry about what I can bring to a relationship or how I can make another person happy. I realize that I am like a spinning top right now,with all my hurt and expectation hitting into and taking out everything and every ONE in my path. If I am going to get out of all this okay I am going to need to slow down, act with my head and not my heart and start to think about what I need to feel safe and happy. Yes, I will hurt people. I may even break someones heart. I just hope that those people find a way to forgive me...I have hated myself enough for everyone.






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