~Letting Him Love Me~
Whenever I have fallen in love in my life, when everything should feel easy and wonderful I seem to have always made it complicated and difficult. I either make it so tough for that person to love me by doing things like putting them to such high standards no one could ever compare or I warn them of everything I've done wrong in my life--or will--to see if it scares them away or I make myself out to be someone that is aloof and almost uncaring about emotions and love. More often than I want to remember the "tests" I do unconsciously, weed out the less than loving friends. I am left feeling right and vindicated but very lonesome and sad.
Not many but a special few have caught onto my "game" and called me on it. One in particular would work through every test just to show me how much he did care and he would tell me all the time that no matter what I do or say he wasn't going anywhere. So far he hasn't. I began our relationship by warning him about how moody I can get, how when I feel vulnerable to my own emotions and that when the person I am with is not in tune to my needs how I can be like a big baby. I warned him that when I am like this and I am feeling like my heart is too far involved I will just abandon all hope of a future and quietly--and quickly--walk away. When I did this to this one man he came after me. No, not in a scary way that made me think if I did it again I would pay (I've had that happen more than once), but in an understanding and loving way that was so sweet and vulnerable on his part. Even though I recognize my bad habits and how pushing people away is not healthy, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. Still, of all of the lessons I have learned, I have realized that my leaving was not only hurting me but him too. He is a person too-, a beautiful and loving one at that, and not worthy of my fight against my past and the ugly men of the world.
See, that walking away thing-that is my "M.O". I have walked away from several friendships and chances at love that I have lost count. Not too long ago I lost a very good friend because of my lack of self-esteem. I thought I would do him a favor if I just left. If I saved him from having to deal with me, he would be set free and be happier I believed. Well, maybe I did do him a huge favor because now he doesn't bother with me no matter how much I apologize.Yet I recognize too that what I did may have hurt him more than I can even believe. That's not to say he didn't go happily..Who knows?? The point is that I will never know and I don't deserve to since I didn't stick it out to see..I cannot go on losing people because of what one man did to me. I need to push away all my self-doubt and pull toward me all this beautiful love through the pain or else what happiness will I ever find???
Still,there is a voice of reason somewhere inside that tells me that if someone really loves me they don't want to imagine a world without me even if they do have to deal with the most screwed up part of my personality and doubts. It shouldn't be so easy for me to push them out. They would fight for me, not go missing-- and they would try to hold on hoping that by sticking it out with me while showing me their heart and commitment I would learn to pull them closer instead of pushing them away.That kind of Love and friendship is hard to find in this world so when I am given the chance to be loved by a person like that I won't want to give up easily.
I haven't met many people who have fought for me but I can tell you this, if they have or they do, they are most likely still here in my life and deeply placed in my heart. I love them more for the fact that they stuck it out through the tough times...anyone can stick it out when its easy! Yes, there have been several friends who have offered their hearts and lives to me but there is only one person who has fought for me and stuck it out through the hardest moments I've had to endure. I often feel like of all the things that he finds beautiful about me, my lack of self-esteem is not a disability to him but a chance to help me fight. He also doesn't use it against me like so many others have. He tries to help me build off what feelings of worth I DO have while always telling me such wonderful and sweet things. No I have never thought even once that he is using a line on me or that he is trying to make me trust him so I will be at his beckon call. There has always been an honesty and love that he has showed to me. I believe he truly does respect me and loves my faults just as much as he loves the good and easy things about me.... I can tell that he truly, honestly loves me.
Some days I look at him wondering why me? In all this world among so many beautiful people who are sure to have more self worth in their pinky than I do in my whole body,-women who are so ready to give their love easily and without an inner war, why does he bother with me???It is truly something I struggle with daily because I don't believe I deserve his love. He tells me no matter what, he loves me. He says that nothing I can do will change the way he feels about me. I am working hard to find away to enjoy all of his wonderful ways of loving me...He is extraordinary, giving, loving and the most beautiful man. I am lucky to know him but more than that, I am so very honored that he loves me!
~Stacy J. Roosa
March 17, 2011
Not many but a special few have caught onto my "game" and called me on it. One in particular would work through every test just to show me how much he did care and he would tell me all the time that no matter what I do or say he wasn't going anywhere. So far he hasn't. I began our relationship by warning him about how moody I can get, how when I feel vulnerable to my own emotions and that when the person I am with is not in tune to my needs how I can be like a big baby. I warned him that when I am like this and I am feeling like my heart is too far involved I will just abandon all hope of a future and quietly--and quickly--walk away. When I did this to this one man he came after me. No, not in a scary way that made me think if I did it again I would pay (I've had that happen more than once), but in an understanding and loving way that was so sweet and vulnerable on his part. Even though I recognize my bad habits and how pushing people away is not healthy, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. Still, of all of the lessons I have learned, I have realized that my leaving was not only hurting me but him too. He is a person too-, a beautiful and loving one at that, and not worthy of my fight against my past and the ugly men of the world.
See, that walking away thing-that is my "M.O". I have walked away from several friendships and chances at love that I have lost count. Not too long ago I lost a very good friend because of my lack of self-esteem. I thought I would do him a favor if I just left. If I saved him from having to deal with me, he would be set free and be happier I believed. Well, maybe I did do him a huge favor because now he doesn't bother with me no matter how much I apologize.Yet I recognize too that what I did may have hurt him more than I can even believe. That's not to say he didn't go happily..Who knows?? The point is that I will never know and I don't deserve to since I didn't stick it out to see..I cannot go on losing people because of what one man did to me. I need to push away all my self-doubt and pull toward me all this beautiful love through the pain or else what happiness will I ever find???
Still,there is a voice of reason somewhere inside that tells me that if someone really loves me they don't want to imagine a world without me even if they do have to deal with the most screwed up part of my personality and doubts. It shouldn't be so easy for me to push them out. They would fight for me, not go missing-- and they would try to hold on hoping that by sticking it out with me while showing me their heart and commitment I would learn to pull them closer instead of pushing them away.That kind of Love and friendship is hard to find in this world so when I am given the chance to be loved by a person like that I won't want to give up easily.
I haven't met many people who have fought for me but I can tell you this, if they have or they do, they are most likely still here in my life and deeply placed in my heart. I love them more for the fact that they stuck it out through the tough times...anyone can stick it out when its easy! Yes, there have been several friends who have offered their hearts and lives to me but there is only one person who has fought for me and stuck it out through the hardest moments I've had to endure. I often feel like of all the things that he finds beautiful about me, my lack of self-esteem is not a disability to him but a chance to help me fight. He also doesn't use it against me like so many others have. He tries to help me build off what feelings of worth I DO have while always telling me such wonderful and sweet things. No I have never thought even once that he is using a line on me or that he is trying to make me trust him so I will be at his beckon call. There has always been an honesty and love that he has showed to me. I believe he truly does respect me and loves my faults just as much as he loves the good and easy things about me.... I can tell that he truly, honestly loves me.
Some days I look at him wondering why me? In all this world among so many beautiful people who are sure to have more self worth in their pinky than I do in my whole body,-women who are so ready to give their love easily and without an inner war, why does he bother with me???It is truly something I struggle with daily because I don't believe I deserve his love. He tells me no matter what, he loves me. He says that nothing I can do will change the way he feels about me. I am working hard to find away to enjoy all of his wonderful ways of loving me...He is extraordinary, giving, loving and the most beautiful man. I am lucky to know him but more than that, I am so very honored that he loves me!
~Stacy J. Roosa
March 17, 2011
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