How Did You Find Me?

Broken so many times~
my heart it never really mended...
Like a glass vase you try to glue back together
but know you can't get it to look or feel 
even close to what it once was.
I put a kind of barb wire there-
protected my soft and vulnerable heart by always pushing people away,
shoving the hope aside
and walking 
against traffic.
All too often I was as close to love
as I was to the sun
and as scared of its promise...
All lies, I was certain,
Love was as scary as any monster that I could ever dream to encounter.


(Poor little Stacy, never really loved
but forever deeply and desperately  loving...
Once before she would feel every tiny winged creature of hope
flying straight into her heart,
leaving it open
but soon learned to shield every one
that was now hitting against her exterior 
and getting zapped to death...
Never receiving a man's heart
yet always giving more
than she ever had a right to.
Now empty and aching for something
to fill that gaping hole
that was once her heart,
she tries to fill it with "almost" love
but not really ever feel it.)


And that last night in the deepest shadow
with everything I had so lovingly given ripped apart
and thrown in my face
I knew I was never going to give my heart again...
Never allow myself the promise of a man's love
or the happiness that I might feel while wrapped tightly
in his arms.
I loved with nothing in me,only gave what I had to
to be away from the dark,lonely place.
~shallow breaths
and thoughtless 'I love you's and making love
with no meaning...


Everything was fine,safe...Controlled.
Then one day he slipped in the door
with the winters cold.
I didn't see him coming
or feel the warmth of  his love and kindness 
until it was far too late.
Winter in puddles 
and hope blooming all around me
like the most beautiful,lush field I've ever seen
full of flowers and rebirth.
It was too late. I was already falling...
quickly, uncontrollably
and amazingly
falling~
My heart thawing
the sun shining
the world renewing
and my dead hope coming back to life
as strong and as determined as ever.


And as that hope sits here
and I await the next chapter I can't help but hope
he will be the one who loves me,
respects and desires me
but too often I hear that little girl,
that 7 year old Stacy
crying out in the night for peace finally
and I know I might have done her in for good...


Only time will tell.


3/23/2011

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