~My (New and Improved) View Of the World~
It seems something is happening as I grow older, I just don't care about people that don't care about or even try to get to know me. I spent a great many years of my life trying to make people happy...My childhood was full of heartbreak as I tried to do and be what everyone else wanted of me. I didn't have a feeling of self and very little if any self esteem. It wasn't a choice I made, to be a people please, it was just the way I was. I was that girl that instead of counting my blessings for the friends I did have, would stress and fight to win the love of the people I didn't have. I would do anything for anyone and yet expect nothing of anyone else. Why would anyone do anything for me? I was just "Stacy"...Not worth anything. Soon the way of thinking came true for me because friends I was close to for years would seem to leave me behind as they moved on. My world consisted of a need to be liked and understood.
Now as my 39th birthday approaches and I fight every day to stay mentally healthy, I just don't feel like proving myself to people anymore...especially to family and friends who, honestly, have never given me any reason to respect them. After Mom died I had a kind of nervous breakdown. I was trying to take care of my Dad and maintain my family but it was all too much. I was running a program for single parents with drug and alcohol addictions and trying to keep my family home paid for and running so that when Dad got out of the hospital he would have a home to go back to. He was mad at me for paying the mortgage and he was angry that I didn't just "let the house go". We were struggling to pay the bills ourselves and my marriage was far from good. I was alone in that world where me and my husband lived with our kids. He would "be" there physically but mentally he was anywhere but. Mom died. I had her funeral to plan and my worry over Dad was more than I could take. Suddenly leaving the house was tantamount to trying to scale a mountain. My friends were suddenly too busy for me, too judgmental...As for my family--Aunts and Uncles, cousins...They were there for Mom's funeral but in the days and months to come they were nowhere to be found. SOME of them have acted as if they don't know us anymore...Like they were only around for Mom and now that she isn't here that they can't be bothered with us. Looking back I see that some of them weren't worth the time even then. One aunt would hear rumors about me and actually believe them. She once even asked me about a rumor and I had to explain that the rumor was not true in ANY way. Its sad that I would have to ever explain myself and that I didn't do the bad things she had overheard. She knew me all my life.
Its not as if "they will notice that I've removed them from my life or FB for that matter but if they do it won't be a phone call I get or a knock at my door. It will be that they only bother to reach out to me if they see me in passing. If they ask me where I went, why I don't call anymore or why I deleted them from face book, I'll have one question of my own ~"When was the last time you called to ask how the kids are or have you EVER read my poetry or blog?? When was the last time you sent me a quick "How are you" message?" Someday maybe I'll pass them on the streets, cousins I grew up with, aunts that once called themselves family and friends, and maybe they'll realize how they "forgot" I even existed until that very moment when they see me. Maybe they'll even see my name on a published book and suddenly they'll want to know me again. All I can say is its a little too late. You weren't here for me or my family during the difficult times so why would I want you part of our life during the good times? We got here on our own and we will be better off staying here on our own.You may call it attitude but I call it finally figuring out the truth.
And to all the people who have stayed..There aren't many of you but you stood by me while I was at my most unhealthy. I can't say that about even my best friend. Its taught me about truth and love and "real" friendship at least. I won't go through the rest of my life trying to make people like me anymore. I won't be trying to make people understand me. If they get me, like me, care about me they will realize that I am me and they will take me as I am...Just as I do with them. I refuse to live for anyone else anymore....This is my life. I've given up my 38 years to others .I am taking back my life and claiming my 39th year as my OWN. So, happy Birthday to me!!
Now as my 39th birthday approaches and I fight every day to stay mentally healthy, I just don't feel like proving myself to people anymore...especially to family and friends who, honestly, have never given me any reason to respect them. After Mom died I had a kind of nervous breakdown. I was trying to take care of my Dad and maintain my family but it was all too much. I was running a program for single parents with drug and alcohol addictions and trying to keep my family home paid for and running so that when Dad got out of the hospital he would have a home to go back to. He was mad at me for paying the mortgage and he was angry that I didn't just "let the house go". We were struggling to pay the bills ourselves and my marriage was far from good. I was alone in that world where me and my husband lived with our kids. He would "be" there physically but mentally he was anywhere but. Mom died. I had her funeral to plan and my worry over Dad was more than I could take. Suddenly leaving the house was tantamount to trying to scale a mountain. My friends were suddenly too busy for me, too judgmental...As for my family--Aunts and Uncles, cousins...They were there for Mom's funeral but in the days and months to come they were nowhere to be found. SOME of them have acted as if they don't know us anymore...Like they were only around for Mom and now that she isn't here that they can't be bothered with us. Looking back I see that some of them weren't worth the time even then. One aunt would hear rumors about me and actually believe them. She once even asked me about a rumor and I had to explain that the rumor was not true in ANY way. Its sad that I would have to ever explain myself and that I didn't do the bad things she had overheard. She knew me all my life.
Its not as if "they will notice that I've removed them from my life or FB for that matter but if they do it won't be a phone call I get or a knock at my door. It will be that they only bother to reach out to me if they see me in passing. If they ask me where I went, why I don't call anymore or why I deleted them from face book, I'll have one question of my own ~"When was the last time you called to ask how the kids are or have you EVER read my poetry or blog?? When was the last time you sent me a quick "How are you" message?" Someday maybe I'll pass them on the streets, cousins I grew up with, aunts that once called themselves family and friends, and maybe they'll realize how they "forgot" I even existed until that very moment when they see me. Maybe they'll even see my name on a published book and suddenly they'll want to know me again. All I can say is its a little too late. You weren't here for me or my family during the difficult times so why would I want you part of our life during the good times? We got here on our own and we will be better off staying here on our own.You may call it attitude but I call it finally figuring out the truth.
And to all the people who have stayed..There aren't many of you but you stood by me while I was at my most unhealthy. I can't say that about even my best friend. Its taught me about truth and love and "real" friendship at least. I won't go through the rest of my life trying to make people like me anymore. I won't be trying to make people understand me. If they get me, like me, care about me they will realize that I am me and they will take me as I am...Just as I do with them. I refuse to live for anyone else anymore....This is my life. I've given up my 38 years to others .I am taking back my life and claiming my 39th year as my OWN. So, happy Birthday to me!!
Comments
Post a Comment
Have something to add?