Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

~There is absolutely NOTHING easy about ending a relationship. Even when you know with every fiber of your being that it is for the best that you walk away, after years of fighting for and with the person you love, of giving them everything inside of your soul until there's nothing left,of waiting on them hand and foot, having them see you at your lowest and saddest, it is heartbreaking. I don't care if you are the one walking away or being walked away on, leaving a relationship is like a death. Such a death seems to be on the horizon for me. Still, even though I want to be happy and hopeful for the future, I can't help but feel it is all at stake if I can't end this chapter as nicely as possible. This loss like any other death of a very close person in my life needs closure. I did not go into this relationship planning to hurt anyone or to end it any time sooner than with death. Yet here I am on the edge of the end. Feet dangling in the water of tomorrow and my head ...

 For so long I have been confused about Love. Confused and misled. I believe that I have found real love and with it happiness but as long as I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart and I lack self assurance, I will never be truly happy. I need to find contentment within so I can truly share it with the man i love. To begin down this road I try to figure out what happened to me, why it is that I cannot look into the mirror without cringing. I want to know the "why" so I can fix it finally. So I can finally be free of the emptiness and self-loathing, I need to find my beauty. As a kid I watched my Mom and Dad and the way they were together. Dad adored Mom. He spoiled her with jewelry and flowers,cards and physical attention. He worried about her, took special care to be sure she never had to lift this or deal with that. It was sweet. Dad treated my Mom as if she were his angel and goddess. There is nothing wrong with that,right? No, of course not. It made me want that kind o...

3 dozen red, perfect,long-stemmed roses left by him on my front steps. The card says He Loves me. The vase I just painstakingly arranged the roses into flying across the room from his angry hands and shattering against the wall missing me by mere inches... He loves me not. Candle light, flowers, my favorite songs playing on the stereo as he is holds my hands and stares into my eyes- He loves me. He threatens to bash my face in when I can't eat because of the split in my lip only hours old... He loves me not. An apologetic poem he's tucked between my pillows.. He loves me. That same 2 pillows smothering my face when I won't make love to him that night. He loves me not. His hot breath on my cheek as he says one last time how very much He loves me. My last breath caught in my last thought and the world going dark forever. He loves me Not. ~Stacy J Roosa April 14,2011

It is a delicate flower, our Love, and it lays right here, baby, in the very palm of our adjoined hands. It's survival depends on so very much and yet its death can be brought on by such a simple act if we do not treat it so kindly and lovingly. Our Love is challenged by so many things~ Distance, fear, misunderstanding...Doubt. The sun is our attention to the flower- Too little sunshine and warmth the flower will grow cold and die. Too much and it will shrivel and wilt because it won't have time to grow as it sleeps and dreams. Our love is a beautiful and intricate blessing, deeper than the very earth and wider than our love is long. Baby, hold onto me, give me your heart and trust that my love will never let you fall. And I will give something I have never given any Love before- I will give you my heart and trust without doubt or question. I will lay my heart so gently in your hands, place it there in all its unprotected vulnerability and soft hope ...

   Ahead of me is a great big question mark. Brought on by so many years of indecision and doing what others expected of me, I am about to make decisions that will affect so many. "Do what is best for you" they tell me."Start worrying about what you need and not what others want." Sure.I will just stop being the way I was born and begin to think about myself only. I don't know how, I am afraid to.    And from what my therapist made me realize I am not only afraid to be alone, I am afraid to be in silence. I am forever filling up the quietness with music, tv or even drama so that I don't have to hear and deal with what is aching inside of me.When I close my eyes and turn off the world what do I hear?    Honestly, I hear that 7 year old girl crying. She is pleading with me to stop hurting her. Asking me how I could have left her alone so many years ago and why I deny her.  I hear the questions I've always struggled with and when I couldn't answer p...