Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

With scalpel in shaking hand I detach my heart from the blood supply and realign and reattach it to the cognitive thinking in my brain. A straight line to reality bypassing all that is hope and wishing. I rewire the part of my brain that is lit up and swooned by dreams. I reattach it to my left arm so that whenever I feel the silly need to look longingly at an old,loving couple I can shake a fist and with it my reality back to its rightful place. Then I empty the vast space in my head that is tempted by sunsets walks, love songs and that feeling that goes through my very core and shakes me head to toe when he looks at me. I fill the new void with packing popcorn. There will be no hopeless romantics here, not anymore. No dreams of love forever or forever at all. Just math formulas, proper, adjective-less English and recipes for fudge. ~Stacy J Roosa October 23,2010 © 2010  Stacy J. Roosa (All rights reserved)

~When my heart gets hurt and feels the loss of  a person whose love for me stopped, I do not simply go cold,shut down my heart and stop loving back. If it were that easy I would be a happier yet emotionless person who didn't deserve any love. Although there are times when someone comes in and makes a huge mess of my life then leaves me in the middle of it all while they go onto their next victim, but my heart cannot just stop loving them. I am in the midst of this now~I love someone who has proved again and again,over and over, to have nothing in their heart for me except possible hate, and I cannot give him what he deserves...Instead I find myself sad and wishing it were different even though there is almost nothing that I could have done to change the outcome. ~I go on day after day pretending it doesn't bother me that he doesn't care for me, that it doesn't break my heart to go days, weeks and months without a word from him...I don't understand. Once again life ...

~I have been so very depressed the past two years. It's the worst depression I have known in my 36 years of life.I cannot sleep at night for fear of the outside world breaking in and possible fire or other unfathomable things and then I sleep on and off all day. I don't eat, I don't want to do anything and then when I do get the smallest of a flicker of hope that makes me want to go out of the house it gets swallowed up by fear of what will happen when I do go out. Agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, sadness,loss, fears, and on and on. The written word is the only thing I have that won't expect anything from me, won't be let down by me and doesn't look to me for more than I can give. ~When did it happen? I was a vivacious, outgoing,friendly and hopeful woman who was a Mom, wife, and friend. I ran a house for single parents struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. To spite some normal self-doubt tripping me up every now and then, I had many things going for me....

~Look out channel surfers, it seems every channel on television has their own fill of reality T.V. shows. Everything from surviving on an island to living with mean, wretched people, producers will do almost anything to get you to tune in and get hooked. Let's face it, the world of television has changed since the days of carefully scripted shows like "Little House On The Prairie" and the industry has become soaked in sexually explicit, reality T.V. and yet most of the time the show that is "reality" is anything but real...Did you know that many of these shows have scripts? Of course if you didn't you were wondering. The producers call it simply setting the tone for real world life.Otherwise we would be watching hours of nose-picking, slow-witted, boring television. How many times have you watched an interview of a contestant who claimed that their "bitch" persona was carefully formed and all non-bitchy, potentially friendly conversations of a repu...

 When I was in grade school and into high school I went into the new academic year with a great longing to go to school. I couldn't stop my excitement in August while in the aisles of the stores looking for pencils, a trapper keeper and paper supplies of all kinds. Clothes and shoe shopping were next. Everyday I would plan my outfits until the day school arrived. I was full of a hunger to go to school.   Now, looking back I realize the difference between being excited to go to school and being actually thirsty for education. Now, away from any structure of a classroom I want to learn about American History, Math, Art, and all other subjects I think of.  I was an absolute air head when it came to math. Truly. I would look at an Algebraic equation and my brain would melt. Now, as my kids bring home their daily homework I am getting it! Me, the person who couldn't figure out simple math rules,or at least didn't try to get them and then found myself lost too late for he...

Sometimes we are own worst enemies and other times we are our own guards...And sometimes in protecting ourselves we are the first thing all over again, our own worst enemies. I have been there, trying so hard to keep myself in check, to keep my heart from inevitably falling for another that in trying to save myself the anguish of possible let down by another human being I have created a prison of my own discontent and lack of self esteem. In the end all I got was what I deserved by doing this-Being alone and lonely. ~How does one open up to someone and let the walls come shattering to the ground when the other is just as guarded.No, I am not just talking about being the first one to kiss the other or to mumble those three scary words of "I love you" since it can never really get far enough down the road to even allow for that possibility. No, I am speaking of knowing another and finding out along the way that they are everything you want but while you are guarded the fortres...

Being in real,honest love with another human makes a person want so deeply to be a better person for & because of them.And yet someone who truly loves you would never want you to change; They love you just as you are and make you feel that you are the best person in the world.Because of the power of Loving& being loved  both see a reflection of beauty,love&hope in the others eyes.True Love is never hurtful or ugly ♥ I met a person not too long ago that made me want to be myself, my best and to let go of all of my heartbreak and hurt. Then they left and it made me feel hopeless. I suppose its time to find this in myself and not in the reflection of another's eyes...If I look for it out there in the eyes of a man who loves me but then he falls out of love with me what will I have? I need to find it inside of me. Love can die again and again and all I'll have is myself.