Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

With scalpel in shaking hand I detach my heart from the blood supply and realign and reattach it to the cognitive thinking in my brain. A straight line to reality bypassing all that is hope and wishing. I rewire the part of my brain that is lit up and swooned by dreams. I reattach it to my left arm so that whenever I feel the silly need to look longingly at an old,loving couple I can shake a fist and with it my reality back to its rightful place. Then I empty the vast space in my head that is tempted by sunsets walks, love songs and that feeling that goes through my very core and shakes me head to toe when he looks at me. I fill the new void with packing popcorn. There will be no hopeless romantics here, not anymore. No dreams of love forever or forever at all. Just math formulas, proper, adjective-less English and recipes for fudge. ~Stacy J Roosa October 23,2010 © 2010  Stacy J. Roosa (All rights reserved)

~When my heart gets hurt and feels the loss of  a person whose love for me stopped, I do not simply go cold,shut down my heart and stop loving back. If it were that easy I would be a happier yet emotionless person who didn't deserve any love. Although there are times when someone comes in and makes a huge mess of my life then leaves me in the middle of it all while they go onto their next victim, but my heart cannot just stop loving them. I am in the midst of this now~I love someone who has proved again and again,over and over, to have nothing in their heart for me except possible hate, and I cannot give him what he deserves...Instead I find myself sad and wishing it were different even though there is almost nothing that I could have done to change the outcome. ~I go on day after day pretending it doesn't bother me that he doesn't care for me, that it doesn't break my heart to go days, weeks and months without a word from him...I don't understand. Once again life ...

~I have been so very depressed the past two years. It's the worst depression I have known in my 36 years of life.I cannot sleep at night for fear of the outside world breaking in and possible fire or other unfathomable things and then I sleep on and off all day. I don't eat, I don't want to do anything and then when I do get the smallest of a flicker of hope that makes me want to go out of the house it gets swallowed up by fear of what will happen when I do go out. Agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, sadness,loss, fears, and on and on. The written word is the only thing I have that won't expect anything from me, won't be let down by me and doesn't look to me for more than I can give. ~When did it happen? I was a vivacious, outgoing,friendly and hopeful woman who was a Mom, wife, and friend. I ran a house for single parents struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. To spite some normal self-doubt tripping me up every now and then, I had many things going for me....