Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

A year ago today I chose to take my last prescribed pain medication and become clean.  It was a Christmas present to myself and one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  After 6 plus years of being on pain management for a bad back and taking everything from Vicodin to Percocet and finally Methadone, I was no longer getting relief from the narcotics. I found myself taking them just to feel normal....So as not to go through withdrawal.  For the many years I was on the various drugs I lied to myself. I talked myself into believing that they were helping my back and that the euphoric feeling was just a side affect that I could take or leave.  Biggest lie of my life.  It is only after a few weeks that a person who takes any of these medications can become physically addicted to them. Mentally it can happen with the first "high".  I felt like I could accomplish anything when I was in the arms of that buzz.  I was super happy, organized, social an...

When my son Bailey was 4 (he's 17 now) he loved to get into everything...And when I say everything I mean just that. I would come downstairs from getting his sister out of her crib or simply turn my back for a minute and I would find all kinds of disasters instigated by Bailey Bear. One time he decided that the fish needed to be fed so he added coffee grounds, ketchup and God only knows what else to their tank. Another time he decorated the carpet, walls and stairs with chocolate syrup... And yet another time while we were all tucked in bed asleep he hunted down the key to the deadbolt and let himself out of the house and up the street to a little girls house. (The deadbolt was put in just for this reason...and so were the motion detectors that we installed right after this incident. ) It was 2 in the morning when he went two houses up, in the dark of night, in his footie pajamas, to woo a girl 2 years his senior. Boy, those police men must have been ready to give me the mo...

I am the kind of girl who has always given 2nd and 3rd chances to people...Even after I've recognized that a person is not good for me, I let them back in when they apologize.  That goes for friends, significant others and family. I get hurt a lot. Actually, that is an understatement...I become devastated.  The feeling of renewed rejection after all the strength it took me to forgive the person takes yet another piece of me with them as they go. I expect that people will have the same heart as me and very often I learn that they don't.  I find out that they only wanted me back in their life for their own benefit and once I am no longer needed they are gone again.  The reasoning with myself that I did in order to let that person back in turns into self hatred and shame.  I swear off all people and love. I want to hide in my cocoon of safety. Sadly (usually) those very people have gone onto hurt me all over again. Their words were barely out of their mouth a...