~Letting Go Does Not Mean Giving Up~
Ugh....Where do I start? It's never been this difficult to gather up my emotions and thoughts... I'm a mix of so many feelings that both fight and compliment one another...
I guess I'll start with the facts... Almost a year ago Jesse, myself and the kids took the 3,000 mile journey by SUV from Massachusetts to California... Without getting into specifics, Jesse and I decided that leaving the drama behind was best for the kids and for ourselves. Of course it wasn't an easy decision. We had to say very difficult goodbyes to family and close friends. We each had to sell all the belongings that wouldn't fit in and on top of our car. Still, I knew then as I do now that things can be replaced... Our kids childhood could not.
It hasn't been easy here. While Jesse is near his family and I see that his happiness is great, It takes time to get used to a new place. I still have great anxiety going out into the world here. It's busier and bustling with a lot more people than I've ever been around. Money isn't great but we've done our best. We've fought to give the kids whatever they've needed. When we first came here we stayed with Jesse's family.. It took us months to get our own house. Even longer to feel at home. Just as things are starting to look up, including Jesse finding work and getting on our feet, everything changed again.
And don't get me started on all the internal changes I myself have gone through. I haven't been the most energetic or happy person... Yet like the fighter I am I keep pushing through. I realize that this depression I've felt is chemical as well as being due to all the changes. I was sure time will make us feel more at home..
Then the call came from the kids father. He wanted to fly them back east for a visit over the summer. Other than my usual worries as a Mom, I didn't stress over it as much as I thought I would. I realized the kids miss their father, their family and friends. I just didn't realize that a month long visit would turn into them not coming back here.
Guilt, fear, longing, love, missing them...I walk by their empty bedrooms and can't catch my breath. It's like an unfinished sentence...Like a beautiful picture I began painting but was snatched away before I could finish. I realize I am lucky...There are so many other devastating alternatives... Its not as if they are gone forever. Believe me, I count my blessings everyday. I know how much worse my life could be.
But it's a death in its own way... I grapple the feeling of sadness over understanding. I was only trying to get them away from the mess and into a safe and secure place. I fight with guilt.. I still had so much more to teach them. And selfishly I miss their smiles, their hugs and even their bickering. I've been a less than involved Mom as of late. There is no excuse. I fear that they've given up on me. But why shouldn't they? If not for them I fear I would have given up on myself at times. Being a Mom to them has become my one and only identity. It's the one thing I can honestly say that to spite my mistakes, I am proud of. Of course they are amazing kids...But I'm not sure if that is my parenting or straight luck.
Instant messages, cell phone calls, skype~ Our relationship has been demoted to technology based communication. Instead of Tessa sitting on my lap sharing Youtube videos with me or Bailey sitting with me to talk about life, I'm having to depend on internet. But then I think, didn't I do that to their father?? Didn't I take them away? Sure, it was with his blessing, and it was with only good intentions, but moving 3000 miles away didn't leave room for him to have a change of heart. I'm awfully sorry that I caused him that kind of pain. Now that I am feeling it myself I understand it so much more.
I put my kids in this predicament...Without meaning to, I made them choose. Now that they aren't here and they have gone back to the world they grew up in, I am now the one sitting here empty. I made this mess... I suppose I feel like I deserve it.
How do I put it all back together?
Do I move back home to be close to them? Or do I let them fly off and find their own way back? Those 2 choices aren't very fair but they're where I put myself.
It is with both a feeling of powerlessness and great determination and love for them that I am going to let go~ Let them do what their hearts are leading them to. That is no easier to type than it is to think but I'm aware in a few short years they will have graduated school and left "the nest" anyway. I realize that I should embrace the fact that their father can teach them things I can't... I embrace the hope that wherever I have failed or fallen short concerning our children that he will make up for. I pray he realizes the influence and gift he has been given.
Yet letting go doesn't mean I stop being their Mom. It's my turn to wait for their phone calls, to send them birthday and Christmas presents through snail mail. And who knows what the future will bring. They've only been there a month after all...A fun-filled, daddy~on~vacation, everything~is ~new and exciting~ month. And while I do not want them to hurt their father by leaving him either, I know deep in my heart (without judgment) that my kids are my life...And that I would gladly welcome them back in a second. That is just how its always been.
And earlier than I would have imagined, it's time for me to figure "me" out. What is next? Go back to college? Working through this anxiety and depression is number one if I ever want to have a normal life and career...And I do want it. I don't want to allow fear to rule my life anymore. I don't want to walk into a store or a crowd and feel instantly nauseous. I have to many dreams and hopes to succumb to such a feeling of weakness.
I want more than anything for my kids to be happy and healthy. In the end that will be my measure of a good life. Very often the truth occurs to me that I cannot be a good role model or teacher to them while I allow fear to overpower me. Maybe this is my chance to fix me so that coupled with my own happiness, they can see that their Mother won the fight over fear and so can they...
I am sad. I miss them very much. Yet I also see that there is a challenge ahead of me and I am determined to take it on and leave the old me on this page.
I guess I'll start with the facts... Almost a year ago Jesse, myself and the kids took the 3,000 mile journey by SUV from Massachusetts to California... Without getting into specifics, Jesse and I decided that leaving the drama behind was best for the kids and for ourselves. Of course it wasn't an easy decision. We had to say very difficult goodbyes to family and close friends. We each had to sell all the belongings that wouldn't fit in and on top of our car. Still, I knew then as I do now that things can be replaced... Our kids childhood could not.
It hasn't been easy here. While Jesse is near his family and I see that his happiness is great, It takes time to get used to a new place. I still have great anxiety going out into the world here. It's busier and bustling with a lot more people than I've ever been around. Money isn't great but we've done our best. We've fought to give the kids whatever they've needed. When we first came here we stayed with Jesse's family.. It took us months to get our own house. Even longer to feel at home. Just as things are starting to look up, including Jesse finding work and getting on our feet, everything changed again.
And don't get me started on all the internal changes I myself have gone through. I haven't been the most energetic or happy person... Yet like the fighter I am I keep pushing through. I realize that this depression I've felt is chemical as well as being due to all the changes. I was sure time will make us feel more at home..
Then the call came from the kids father. He wanted to fly them back east for a visit over the summer. Other than my usual worries as a Mom, I didn't stress over it as much as I thought I would. I realized the kids miss their father, their family and friends. I just didn't realize that a month long visit would turn into them not coming back here.
Guilt, fear, longing, love, missing them...I walk by their empty bedrooms and can't catch my breath. It's like an unfinished sentence...Like a beautiful picture I began painting but was snatched away before I could finish. I realize I am lucky...There are so many other devastating alternatives... Its not as if they are gone forever. Believe me, I count my blessings everyday. I know how much worse my life could be.
But it's a death in its own way... I grapple the feeling of sadness over understanding. I was only trying to get them away from the mess and into a safe and secure place. I fight with guilt.. I still had so much more to teach them. And selfishly I miss their smiles, their hugs and even their bickering. I've been a less than involved Mom as of late. There is no excuse. I fear that they've given up on me. But why shouldn't they? If not for them I fear I would have given up on myself at times. Being a Mom to them has become my one and only identity. It's the one thing I can honestly say that to spite my mistakes, I am proud of. Of course they are amazing kids...But I'm not sure if that is my parenting or straight luck.
Instant messages, cell phone calls, skype~ Our relationship has been demoted to technology based communication. Instead of Tessa sitting on my lap sharing Youtube videos with me or Bailey sitting with me to talk about life, I'm having to depend on internet. But then I think, didn't I do that to their father?? Didn't I take them away? Sure, it was with his blessing, and it was with only good intentions, but moving 3000 miles away didn't leave room for him to have a change of heart. I'm awfully sorry that I caused him that kind of pain. Now that I am feeling it myself I understand it so much more.
I put my kids in this predicament...Without meaning to, I made them choose. Now that they aren't here and they have gone back to the world they grew up in, I am now the one sitting here empty. I made this mess... I suppose I feel like I deserve it.
How do I put it all back together?
Do I move back home to be close to them? Or do I let them fly off and find their own way back? Those 2 choices aren't very fair but they're where I put myself.
It is with both a feeling of powerlessness and great determination and love for them that I am going to let go~ Let them do what their hearts are leading them to. That is no easier to type than it is to think but I'm aware in a few short years they will have graduated school and left "the nest" anyway. I realize that I should embrace the fact that their father can teach them things I can't... I embrace the hope that wherever I have failed or fallen short concerning our children that he will make up for. I pray he realizes the influence and gift he has been given.
Yet letting go doesn't mean I stop being their Mom. It's my turn to wait for their phone calls, to send them birthday and Christmas presents through snail mail. And who knows what the future will bring. They've only been there a month after all...A fun-filled, daddy~on~vacation, everything~is ~new and exciting~ month. And while I do not want them to hurt their father by leaving him either, I know deep in my heart (without judgment) that my kids are my life...And that I would gladly welcome them back in a second. That is just how its always been.
And earlier than I would have imagined, it's time for me to figure "me" out. What is next? Go back to college? Working through this anxiety and depression is number one if I ever want to have a normal life and career...And I do want it. I don't want to allow fear to rule my life anymore. I don't want to walk into a store or a crowd and feel instantly nauseous. I have to many dreams and hopes to succumb to such a feeling of weakness.
I want more than anything for my kids to be happy and healthy. In the end that will be my measure of a good life. Very often the truth occurs to me that I cannot be a good role model or teacher to them while I allow fear to overpower me. Maybe this is my chance to fix me so that coupled with my own happiness, they can see that their Mother won the fight over fear and so can they...
I am sad. I miss them very much. Yet I also see that there is a challenge ahead of me and I am determined to take it on and leave the old me on this page.
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