Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

I've moved several times since I left home but until now it was only to the next town. Now my fiancee, my 2 kids and I are moving to California. I am scared as hell. Irony= A woman who can hardly leave the house to go to the grocery store is going to travel 3,000 miles to go to a place I've never been. Was that my head I heard exploding? Seriously! I am either dreaming or I really do love Jesse. Yeah, its the 2nd one. So, in 2 weeks we will pack up what can fit in our car (unless we get the money to also rent a moving trailer) and going the long drive west. I am looking forward to seeing the country, to living in a climate where you can visit snow but do NOT have to tredge through it daily. I am looking forward to meeting Jesse's very big, loving family (and I am frightened that they won't like me). I am looking forward to a new life because no one here has really given me a chance. I am scared that our car will break down, that we will run out of money or th...

The first time I cut myself for pleasure, I was in 9th grade. I didn't know why I was doing it except that it felt good. It was a high like nothing I'd felt before. It was the worst pain and the best but it was my pain. One I could control unlike the rest of the misery I felt in my soul. It was a Saturday night and like always, Mom was at work doing over time she wasn't paid to do and Dad was in bed. I honestly don't remember where my sister was. I imagine in bed or out at a friend's house. My brother was in prison. It was his first stint there for breaking and entering and wouldn't be his last. I was lonely. Like always, the feeling of need and desperation was like a hole in my heart. I couldn't fill it with anything but attention and what I knew well~Pain... I remember going to the kitchen. It was dark except for the light on the stove.  I quietly went through the drawers and the knife block to find a knife that no one would miss. When I found it I s...

This is just a way to get out my feelings....All of the following is true but just in no real format... Imagine this, you are born into a family..You have a Mom and a Dad, one sister and one brother. You are the middle child.  Sounds normal...One day when you are around 11 your father tells you that you are his favorite. Imagine, you'd be torn right? On one hand you are thrilled that he feels that way but on the other you feel guilty that you are somehow treated differently than your siblings. But then you look back over your short but real life and you realize that being his favorite only means that he hates you less than the other 2. That is not saying much. He hates when you eat. The hates the way you eat. How you breathe through your nose when you eat. When you talk at the table during dinner. When you talk anywhere in the house where he may be. When you hurt yourself . How dare you trip! How dare you bleed. Are you still here? When are you going to move out alrea...