Life Through The Eyes of Stacy

Your silence pains me. It catches a sigh so deep in my chest that it hurts to move and to breathe. Your silence has a way of gobbling up  all of the sweet words you've spoken until the teeth of doubt chews away at reason. Your silence haunts me. Like the one lone shadow in an open,  sun-drenched field where no objects stand to cause a block of the sun, your quiet eclipses the sunshine. Your silence shames me. I go over every word we have said to eachother. I pick apart sentences until the words are unlatched and mixed up. Then I  rearrange them in my head until their meaning is muddy and I feel a conflict within me. Your silence breaks me. I'd rather you voice the truth-  whatever that is- to clear up all this anxiety storming within. I continue to feel that I am not worthy of your time... Even a mere second. The sharp edges of the words "too busy" and "not important enough"  cut into the flesh of my brain, leaking the poison ...

I have nothing to offer this paper. Like the pale face of the moon it gleams & invites new adventures yet I am at a loss for words. I am at a loss for emotions too. There is a block, a shadow over this poet. It feels as big as a skyscraper but it's as small as the tip of this pen ....which lays here as dry as my eyes. Every blank space haunts me.... I want to write on the walls, in the blue stretch of the sky and on the floors but the words won't come. It's as if they are stuck somewhere between my brain and my hand.. One little pill...A prescription for my depression. It's all that stands between me and releasing all of these emotions~ From feeling this mess inside of me, and spreading it onto the paper.... One little capsule filled with a medicine that dulls my sadness but also my elation, my fear, my hope and my voice. One little pill that saves my life daily but kills my spirit.

A year ago today I chose to take my last prescribed pain medication and become clean.  It was a Christmas present to myself and one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  After 6 plus years of being on pain management for a bad back and taking everything from Vicodin to Percocet and finally Methadone, I was no longer getting relief from the narcotics. I found myself taking them just to feel normal....So as not to go through withdrawal.  For the many years I was on the various drugs I lied to myself. I talked myself into believing that they were helping my back and that the euphoric feeling was just a side affect that I could take or leave.  Biggest lie of my life.  It is only after a few weeks that a person who takes any of these medications can become physically addicted to them. Mentally it can happen with the first "high".  I felt like I could accomplish anything when I was in the arms of that buzz.  I was super happy, organized, social an...